Day 937 : Just Keep Swimming

Here I am y'all. I know y'all been wondering where I am. I am here. First let me answer the burning questions. Yes I am still fat. Okay I am a little less fat. I have been working really hard to eat healthy food and plan my meals. Sometimes I do such a good job at it I think I should take my show on the road and shout it to the world. Hey world! I can cook healthy good tasting food and I am losing weight every week! Yipee y'all! Then other times like today I drag my tired butt to the fridge and just eat. I eat stuff that is not so good and I don't feel like shouting to the world any more. I have lost about 30 pounds in all and it feels really good that my pants are too big and my face is a little thinner. The difference now is when I mess up I seem to be able to recover faster and I have hope that I won't always be this way, that I am a work in progress, that if I keep at it I can make it a life style and not a passing trend. So y'all I am just going to keep trying. I fall down seven times, I get up eight times. Or something like that that I read on someones face book page. I know the other question that y'all are wanting to know. You do too. You want to know how the Wart is. Well first off I have decided not to call him a wart any more. Forgiveness has taken root in me y'all. Not lip service forgiveness y'all. Real deep down the past is gone and I don't hold it against you any more forgiveness. So I have decided not to name my cat after him and not to call him names and to extend kindness to him when ever possible. And y'all it has set me free from a prison of hate. It is a good feeling. And then something happened. His relationship ended with his girl friend. All of the sudden he is in a vulnerable place. He is saying he is sorry for things that happened in our divorce. He is emotional and lost. When I was all bound up in hate I would have been doing a happy dance and been so happy that karma finally bit him in the back side. But now I don't feel gleeful at all. I feel sad for him. Don't mistake me. We will never be together again. I have not taken leave of my senses. But y'all that feeling of "ha, ha, ha you get what you deserve and you can go to hell with gasoline underwear" is just gone. And I am glad ya'll. It frees me up to do other stuff with my life. Y'all if you have unforgiveness in your heart for someone it is time to let it go. Just drop it and leave it where it lands. You will feel so much better. I promise.

Day 792: Boys Day In

Hi y'all! Look at here. I have not blogged at all in 2012. I missed y'all. A lot of good stuff has been going on y'all. I will tell you all about it later. Right now I want to brag on my youngsters. Y'all some times being a single mom is hard. Sharing my kids with somebody I don't like is even harder. I have to do all the heavy lifting like correcting them when they disobey, taking off work when they are sick, making them do their home work and clean their room. And y'all he gets to have them for the whole summer. That dumb old judge said so. Not only that they are going to Canada. And every time he calls that Wart tells them of some new thing he is going to buy them. A new bike, a trampoline, new DS, ipods, a dvd player the list keeps getting longer and longer. All the while I have to beg him to pay his lousy $200 a month in child support. And he lives in Canada so they are unable to take it from his check. So y'all I have been wanting to take my kids on a super sized vacation before they go. We had plans to go to Lego Land and Sea World and the San Diego zoo and the beach. But I am STILL waiting for the money from my divorce settlement. The money did not come in time  and our plans fell through. Oh well I tell my self. We can go when they get home. Meanwhile  I am sure it will be here in time for us to take a staycation here in the Black Hills and have some fun. Did not happen. So now it is  a  week before they go and all the bills are paid and we have food to eat and gas in the car but until that money comes I don't have two nickels to rub together. And I am feeling a little down in the mouth because I can not compete with Disney Dad. I woke up in a rotten mood. Yesterday I dragged everything out of my room and my closet, determined to organized and sort through all of the junk getting in my way. So my living room is full of blankets, fishing poles, picture frames and all kinds of other junk. I was so cranky trying to keep the boys and babies from making an even bigger mess by messing with all of the stuff that they found interesting and to top all that off I was so busy organizing and sorting I neglected the rest of the house work and the kitchen was a wreck and the cat box smelled. Things were not going well.  We went to church this morning, Pentecost Sunday. What a blessing it was to my tender soul to sit with my boys and sing and worship with them. It was also communion Sunday. The boys and I have been talking about communion and what it means and why we do it and practicing it at home. Last week we took communion with popcorn and grape juice. Y'all I kept tearing up because I am a cry baby and I can't help it. We went home and had lunch and a rest time. My room and closet were totally clean and empty so naturally that is where every one congregated. Everyone on my bed watching a movie and all of the sudden a massive tickle/pillow fight erupted. Babies, big boys, mom all rolling around and laughing and sweating. Y'all it was the most fun I have had in a month of Sundays. We were covert. Hiding under blankets, peaking around corners, screaming and daring each other to cross the "chicken line" (thank you pastor Brent for that). After our fight we had dinner. For some reason as we ate our potato soup and homemade hummus Christopher started singing "I like big butts and I can not lie" I have no idea where he learned this song so I started a game and changed the words. I like big books and I can not lie, I like big boots and I can not lie, I like big buttons and I can not lie. Soon every one was cracking up and  falling out of chairs and just having the best time. After dinner the boys begged and begged for more tickle fights. Y'all vacations are fun and I sure would love to buy my kids everything in creation to put a smile on their faces. But that is not where it is at y'all. Today. That was the good stuff. Sure I have the tough job. And it does not seem fair that he gets to have them during the easy times when there is no school or home work. But y'all I am the lucky one. No vacation in the world or expensive toy  could ever mean more than days like today. I love those boys and it is going to be a hard summer with out them. But y'all I am not down in the mouth anymore. I don't have to compete. I got all the stuff that money can't buy.