Day 60 Why It Matters

Michael and his frog blanket

I was on my way to Pierre, having been invited by DSS to give my input on how to improve foster parent training in my state. I sat in the back seat listening to the workers talk about the heart break they deal with everyday. "I wish we had some welcome bags" One said. "I had to drop those girls off in dirty clothes and underwear in the middle of the night. With nothing at all. I felt so bad." My mind wandered back thru some of the kids I'd cared for and how important welcome bags are. The spinning wheel of kids in my head stopped on a little boy, maybe three years old. He came with his infant sister in the middle of the night. She slept soundly while I tried to comfort him. Wide eyed and hyper-vigilant, it was clear we would not be sleeping tonight. So I sat with him. Earlier I had taken off his urine soaked shorts, no diaper or underwear, and his dirty tee shirt and dressed him in clean Pjs. He had lice but I wouldn't discover this until tomorrow. We just sat he and I. A little refugee from the war torn country of his family. When he arrived I took the things out of his welcome bag and put them in a clear container with his name on it. "Your things" I said as I showed him. I put his bucket on the shelf next to the other kids buckets. I spread his welcome blanket over his bed, although it would be weeks before he felt comfortable enough to sleep in it instead of collapsing on the floor in a heap when he became exhausted. "Your bed" I said as I motioned.  In the coming weeks he blossomed. He talked more. We conquered  the lice. He learned to sleep in his own bed at bed time and not wander the house if he awoke in the middle of the night. Several times everyday he went to his bucket and looked inside. "Mine stuff" he would say to himself. He put the winter hat on his head. He took out the little cars and looked at each one. Rolling them on the floor and then carefully placing them back in the bucket. He put the socks on his feet and took them off again. All the while muttering "mine stuff." After a few more weeks the call came. A relative placement had been found. He would be moving tomorrow. That is the way it goes sometimes. We said our good byes. My heart was sad as I wrote a little note to put with his new clothes and his welcome blanket and toys and a few books I would send with him. Just a little information about his likes and dislikes and his routine. A month later I got the call. He was back in foster care. Just the boy this time. Not the baby.  Could I take him? Of course I would. He arrived with nothing again. Clutching the lone thing he had left in the world, one of the cars from his welcome bag. Where did his other stuff go? I don't know. What happened to him while he was away? I have no idea. Where was baby sister? She was with a different family member. As soon as he arrived he went and sat on his bed. I spread out his new welcome blanket. He went to the shelf and looked in his bucket. I filled it with his welcome bag toys and items. "mine stuff" He said, this time with out the wild hyper-vigilant look in his eyes. He didn't stay with us long. I don't know what became of him. Many years later I got a call saying his sister, now 7, was back in foster care and could I take her? I could not. My house was bursting at the seams and I was now a single work outside the home foster mom. Where was the boy I asked. The worker did not know there was a brother and did not have any information about him. They had different fathers. Perhaps He had been placed with his fathers relatives. My heart was broken. But I never forgot how much that welcome bag meant for that little boy. When you have lost everything even the simplest things mean something. This is why I knew I wanted to help when I heard there were no welcome bags. I called the people I know at the department and asked if I could help. There is a beautiful soul in the foster parent association who has been fostering kids for 45 years. She is amazing and she has been lovingly assembling welcome bags for kids for years. The problem is storage. The foster parent association used to have a storage unit that was donated. The property was sold and the unit was lost. Right now the supplies are stacked high in a garage and they are difficult to get to. A new storage area will hopefully be available soon. So my kids and I spent a few hours on a Saturday helping Susan, from the Black Hills Foster Parent Association, moving some things around and talking about foster care and welcome bags. I decided, as my contribution, I will collect and assemble 50 welcome bags. I have 645 Facebook friends. If each person donated one or two items this would be more than possible. I would need to clean out my own garage to store the items. My minions and I could do that. So I made some lists. And I put it out there. So far two generous ladies have donated some items for infants, toddler and teens. And one beautiful lady included the information in her agency newsletter to spread the word. I am hoping that after the holidays people will pitch in and we can do this. These kids belong to all of us. Not everyone can foster. But everyone can do something.

Wrong things made right day 55

Listen here. I don't much like this blog anymore. If I'm honest it feels dull and lack luster. I'm loving Project 50. Just not writing about it. And I just couldn't pin point why. I was at church and the pastor kept talking abou the story of the gospel unfolding. He kept saying story. And Then I understood.  I've  been writing about it like its a list of things to be done. A progress report. I love lists. I find them very satisfying. But this is not a list. Its a story. My story. The every day details and grand ideas of my life. The narrative is what is missing. So let me start again. Let me tell you my story. 

It started in the 8th grade. Miss Williams public speaking class at Dillingham Middle school. I hadn't meant to take the class and don't know for sure how I ended up there. But I remember the first time I connected with an audience. I was giving a speech about funny things that happen when I babysit. I hadn't thought people would respond so well. I never knew I was funny. But kids were literally falling out of there chairs laughing. A few days later someone I didn't know stopped me in the library and asked me if I was that speech girl who told funny stories. And I was off and running. Over the years I have had the chance to speak in public many times on a variety of topics. Some times I have absolutely flopped. Nobody was picking up what I was laying down. Maybe it was a topic I didn't know enough about. Or maybe something the audience was not interested in. These times keep me humble. We all need humility in our lives. Failure is a part of learning. I always start out thinking how did I get myself into this? I wish I had not said yes. But then I start to talk and it is magic. The connection that I make with people feeds my soul. The stories that people come up and tell me when I'm done. The people who encourage me and tell me how much they enjoyed listening to me. This is the spark that makes me love public speaking. There are a few things in this world that I know in my soul I was made to do. I hear it whispered to me in the twilight between waking and sleeping. Speak. Write. You were made to do this. So when I started watching TED talks I knew someday in some venue I would be doing this. Ideas worth sharing. I have ideas. I watched my heroes Dr. Nadine Burke Harris and Brene' Brown speak so passionately about things that stir my soul and I knew in my bones that I should pursue this idea. The problem was I could just never pin point the right topic. I have spoken about foster parenting, adverse childhood experiences, child development, resilience, home visiting and a variety of other topics. None of them were right for this. I applied to give a TEDX talk last year and was turned down because my topic was to broad. But I finally have an idea. An idea worth sharing. I am going to apply again this summer and I am going to apply for a national TED talk fellowship later next year. Maybe I don't get picked. But maybe I do.  A guest speaker at our church once preached a sermon and pretty much the only thing I remember from the whole thing is that is dad always told him the only fail is a no try. So I'm going to keep trying until its right. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? 

We were finishing up dinner and Christopher brought up the question again. "When are you going to get a boyfriend?" This need for me to be paired up ran deep for him. It had been five years since his father and I had divorced. His dad had girlfriends. He had even been engaged. But here I sat uncoupled. So on the spot I playfully made up a name. Pulled it out of thin air. I was lying. He knew I was playing. Just lightening the mood. "I have a boyfriend!" I declared "His name is Carl Jensen." He paused and studied my face. "Nuh uh. you do not! Show me his profile on Facebook. It happened to be the profile of a dog puppet named Carl Jensen. He went to Cheese university in Ho Chi Minh and he worked for the post office. Perfect. We all busted out laughing. But I insisted that Carl Jensen was my boy friend. "No way! He is a puppet!" They insisted. Over the years Carl Jensen has become a house hold name. When I, briefly, got a real boy friend the kids couldn't wait to come at me with comments like "What about Carl? He's going to be so mad" and When it didn't work out. "At least you will always have Carl." One day we started talking about all the Carl Jensens in the world. How does your name influence who you turn out to be? How were they the same and different. Michael dared me to send friend requests to as many Carl Jensens as I could find on Face book. Challenge accepted. I friend requested so many people on Facebook named Carl Jensen that Facebook had to remind me only to send friend requests to people I know. Out of all of those Carls I got three new Facebook friends. And thus the Carl Jensen project was born. Wouldn't it be neat to send letters to as many people named Carl Jensen as I could find? I love writing letters and I love hearing peoples stories. So I got on the internet and looked on the white pages. There are a lot of people named Carl Jensen. So I decided only to focus on the ones spelled Carl Jensen. No Karl with a k. No Jenson with an o. I started with ten addresses. Then I waited because there is no way to say hi I'm a stranger but I'm not crazy. I am just curious about you and what your life is like. I promise I'm not a stalker. Finally I just did it. I wrote my first clumsy awkward letter to a Carl in RuthHaven, Iowa. I stamped it and threw it in the mail. That same day I noticed that the Carl whose name I picked from literally hundreds of Carl Jensens was one of my three Face book friends named Carl Jensen. What are the odds. And Carl, if you are reading this now I am really not a crazy stalker lady. I'm just curious and interested in people and how they are different and alike and what their story is. Next week I will write another Carl letter and we will see what becomes of this project. 

50 Days and 50 things

Hi Y'all. I'm a little behind this week. And frankly I'm not in the mood to be funny or inspiring. So here is a list of 50 questions and some pictures for the week. More to come on Tuesday.

1. Do you prefer to write in blue or black pen? I prefer to write in pencil. I like to erase my mistakes.
2. Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? The city for sure. But not the big city. The middle sized city.
3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? learn to drive a bus. People always need bus drivers.
4. Do  you drink your tea or coffee with sugar? Do you know me but at all? Sweet sugary goodness. Of course I do.
5. What was your favorite book as a child? The Bunny Twins or Nurse Nancy. My Aunt had these tiny Golden books that I was fascinated with. I think one of them had a duck smoking a cigarette. They were the most interesting little books.
6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I take showers to get clean and baths to relax.
7. If you could be a mythical creature which would you choose? For sure something Narnian.
8. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books? Paper for sure. Nothing can replace the sensory experience of reading a book.
9. What is your favorite item of clothing? My John Mayer Where the Light is t-shirt. Its really soft. It fits just right and it has John Mayer on it.
10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? I often tell my children that my actual real name is Henrietta Pickles. I really do like my first name. For reasons you can imagine I am not fond of my last name. But its the name I share with my children. So I'll keep it. Unless someone gives me another one.
11. Who is a mentor to you? I have had so many wonderful mentors. The one that comes to mind is my old boss Karen Long. She encouraged me to go back to school and taught me so much about the way children learn and grow. She used to tell me that I was the little engine that could.
12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so what for? I would like to be famous. But not famous famous. Like famous in certain circles. But not so famous that I couldn't go to the store without being mobbed. I would like to be famous for writing a book or giving a Ted talk.
13. Are you a restless sleeper? Because of my sleep apnea I never sleep deeply. I am always having some crazy ass dream. So I would say I'm a restless sleeper.
14. Do you consider yourself a romantic? No. I'm not very romantic. I'm thoughtful. But not romantic.
15. Which element best represents you? It would be tin. Because it has an atomic number of 50. Also because the tin man needed a heart. Hearts are my favorite shape.
16. Who do you want to be closer to? I wish I was physically closer to my family. They all just need to move here.
17. Do you miss someone at the moment? My friend Ernie passed away 20 years ago this Christmas. His birthday is coming up this week. I really miss him. Especially this time of year.
18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. Once when my sister were taking a bath a baby mouse came up the drain.
19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? An armadillo.
20. What can you see outside your bedroom window? My front porch.
21. What are you most thankful for? Without a doubt my children. They have caused me to learn things about myself. They know me better than anyone else. They are the light of my life.
22. Do you like spicy food? No. Heartburn. Besides. yuck.
23. Have you ever met someone famous? One time I saw Howie Mandel on the street in LA. Besides that no.
24. Do you keep a diary or a journal? I have a diary that I only write in on New years eve. I started it when I was 19. Once a year I make predictions, record world events, life updates. include pictures. Its pretty interesting.
25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? I already said pencil. This year for Christmas I'm getting myself a food processor, a 360 mop and an electric pencil sharpener.
26. What is your star sign? I don't do that.
27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Who likes soggy cereal. Gross. Crunchy.
28. What would you want your legacy to be? Extravagant love. Love that doesn't even make sense. that is the way God loves me. So big. I don't ever have to earn it. It goes beyond logic.
29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read? I love to read. I didn't learn to read until I was 9. I have a learning disability. Learning to read was tough. I remember sitting in a reading circle in first grade crying because I put so much effort into trying to read and I still couldn't do it. I never take reading for granted. I am in the middle of a book now called "Bad with Money"
30. How do you show someone you love them? I tell them right out. other than that I give them a note or a card or buy them a gift.
31. Do you like ice in your drinks? I am an ice cruncher. I chew my ice up. My ex husband used to yell at me that I was going to break all my teeth if I didn't stop. But I haven't broken a tooth yet.
32. What are you afraid of? Mice and rats. So afraid. Phobic.
33. What is your favorite scent? Lavender. New baby smell. New car smell. Sun screen.
34. Do you address older people by their first name or their last name. Depends. How older are they and what is the relationship? How were they introduced to me? I'm from the south. So maybe Miss so and so or mister so and so. Play it by ear.
35. If money was not a factor how would you live your life? Near all the people I love. I would have a compound for sure. My table would be long.
36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? In the pool please. The ocean is grand. I love a beach vaca. I'll stick my feet in but I don't want to swim.
37. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? Look around to see who might have lost it. If no one then pay a bill or put gas in my car or take my family out to dinner.
38. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish. I did and I did. I suppose you want to know what I wished. It was a matter of the heart.
39. What is one thing you would always want to teach your children? Don't run from the cops. They will catch you. They have more resources than you.
40. If you had to have a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it. I have two tattoos and I am never getting anymore. The first one means so much to me. Courage Dear Heart is my life motto. Its on my wrist. The second one is a small shark on my rib cage. I hate it. It was a mistake. I am glad other people cant see it.
41. What can you hear right now? My teen aged sons laughing from the other room while they are watching tv. It is music to my ears.
42. Where do you feel the safest? Here at home with my dog. He will eat you if you try to bother me. Not really. He's a big baby. But he barks a good game.
43. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Codependency. The habit of taking care of other peoples needs to the detriment of my own needs. Always being the fixer.
44. If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose? You know I'm going back to March 1932 so I can see who stole the Lindbergh baby.
45. What is your most used emoji? I think it's the laughing face with the tears streaming out.
46. What is your favorite season and why? I like summer. I am a hot weather girl. I like it hot. Flip flops and sunscreen. Sweet iced tea. Air conditioning. Summer all the way.
47. How would you spend your ideal day? Taking a nap. Eating really good food. Sleeping.  Any of those things would brighten up my day. Ha, ha I said sleeping twice.
48. Describe yourself using one word. Weird
49. What do you regret the most? Wasting five years of my life on someone who could never love me.
50. Invent your own word. What does it mean? fliggityfloo. A whimsical word that describes a carefree feeling.

Movie theater date night

Bowling alley date night

Holy cups batman 

Organizing the kitchen

Dentist

Helping out with Black Hills Foster Parent Association and welcome bags

Library day

40 Days of Weird

Don't be a hater. Christmas is fun

I don't mind telling you that I go to therapy once a month. I don't think that should be any more surprising than telling you that I go to the doctor when I have a sore throat. I am single mom of 5 kids with varying degrees of need and I have a trauma history of my own that leads me to a high ACE score and a propensity to fall in love with alcoholics. Of course I need caring competent adult to bounce things off of. Help me expose the stigma of getting treatment for mental illness for what it is. I remember many years ago sitting in a foster parent meeting. One of the CPS workers was  explaining that she had just discovered that one of the foster parents she worked with was in therapy. Gasp! She stated that if any of us were attending counseling or receiving mental health services the department would need to know about it. I understand that if a foster parent had a serious mental illness the department would need to know. Just as if they would need to know if you had a serious physical illness and you were caring for vulnerable children. But I wonder why it is necessary to shame people for reaching out. I long for the day when people feel as comfortable saying I have a counseling appointment today as they do saying I have a dentist appointment today. Mental illness is not like fight club. We can talk about it. So I have a wonderful therapist. She listens to my hair brained ideas and usually is on board with my crazy schemes. She hardly ever says I told you so. We can spend the whole hour talking about how something is a really bad idea and I shouldn't do it. And at the end of the hour she doesn't even act surprised when I say I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. But seriously y'all. Her insight and listening ear have been invaluable. And, truth be told, she usually lets me talk until I come to my own conclusion about what is healthy or right or helpful for my life. So imagine my surprise when she seemed unimpressed when I explained my project 50 idea. As I talked she slowly started typing on her lap top. She does that when I say something weird or noteworthy. She peered at me over her computer and asked me if I was doing this as a way to stay busy so I don't have to deal with that other thing we were talking about. Wait. What? Was she really not getting this. She is usually so tuned into my ideas. This is not a time filler idea. I have plenty of crap to keep me busy for decades. I'm trying to get my shit together here. Why was she not as excited about this as I was. Then it dawned on me that not everybody is going to get it. To some people this might seem like a strange idea. Then it also occurred to me that I really don't care. Because the more I talk about my ideas and put my goals in front of my face the more achievable they become. Because my kids are watching. They see my list up on the wall. They see me get out my notebook every night and check off the things that I have accomplished. They are invested in helping me plan family date nights and being a part of helping make welcome bags for kids. They are sitting at the table with me when I write letters to friends and loved ones and they are writing their own letters right along with me. My teenagers are helping me make the monthly budget and seeing where our money is going. They are watching me when I fail. They are seeing me say "well that didn't work. let me try again" They are in this. And a lot of my friends and family do get it. I have cheerleaders that I never expected. I am only 40 days into this project and I am having fun. My 15 year old and I found an app for my phone that shows what I would look like bald. We were sitting on my bed downloading pictures and laughing until we were gasping for air. And its inspiring. Last week we went thru the drive thru at McDonalds and I got one too many fries. We saw a homeless guy sitting on the curb with a sign. I thought here was a chance to do a random act of kindness. I tell you this not to toot my own horn. Usually when we see a homeless person my kids ask me to give them money and I explain that the best way we can help homeless people is to give to organizations that help homeless people like the Hope Center or the Cornerstone Mission. I always explain that even if we can not give money we can always give respect by looking people in the eye and not turning away. We can always say good morning or hello because often homeless people feel over looked or invisible. But this day I said "Michael. Hop out and give this guy these fries" My 14 year old ran over to the guy and handed him the food. As we pulled away my son said "Look at that mom. He's digging in!" From the back seat my 8 year old yelled "We helped a guy!" My 15 year old asked "What if he is not even homeless. What if he is a faker?" I explained that it's not even our job to decide. We just gave a hungry guy some fries and that all we need to worry about. I don't think they will forget it. I may be odd. That's ok. But stay tuned. This journey has just begun. Wait until you see my bald head riding down the street on my new bike with my make up on point and my well trained dog running along side of me on the way to some fun family outing with my crazy kids. I do it my way y'all. I'm getting my shit together.

The gang 

At the doctor for my leg appointment

Family trip to Sioux Falls

Carving our Scary Steve Pumpkins

Month in Review

Y'all I have been at this for a month now! And I haven't even quit. I thought I would take a minute and update my list. I made myself a goal sheet for each one of the 50 things on my list. Then I broke the goal down into steps with target dates and tasks to be complete in order to meet the goal. How is it going you ask? I know you didn't ask but you know me well enough to you you don't have to ask for me to tell you. I think its been a pretty good month y'all. So here it goes.

1. Ted Talk - No progress at all.

2. Carl Jensen Project -. I have collected 10 Carl Jensen names from the white pages and purchased some nice stationary to write letters. I have not written any letters because I don't know how to  sound like a curious and interested person and not a creepy stalker.

3. Welcome bags - I have worked hard on this goal. I talked to the president of the foster parent association. She told me that the problem is not putting the bags together for kids but finding storage for the supplies. We have made plans to meet together and transfer some of the supplies to a new location. She mentioned that it would helpful if people wanted to donate personal items for the welcome bags. I created an Amazon wish list and as soon as I remember my password I will share it. My hope is to make 50 welcome bags. 8 infant bags, 8 toddler bags, 8 preschool bags. 9 school aged bags. 8 preteen bags and 9 teenage bags. If you can donate one item that is terrific. If you can donate multiple items even better. If you are in a position to fill a whole bag that is amazing. If you can't afford to buy anything but want to donate man power that is great too. I will be posting the wish list soon on my Facebook page.

4. Home improvement- There is still a lot to be done around this house. But I'm starting to make a little head way. I took some broken screens to the hardware store and had them repaired. I priced some new tile for my entry way and bathroom. I bought a sturdy baby gate for the stairs so Walter can't go upstairs when I'm not home and be naughty. Most important I called a handy man service. It's been so nice of my friend Steven to help me. He does excellent work. But He has a busy life. So I'm supposed to get a call from the handy man this week.

5. Weight loss - Oh y'all. I'm really falling down on this one. I have not been following my eating plan. I lose three pounds and then gain it back. Its the cooking that does me in. I really like to cook. But I don't have time. Piano lessons, doctors appointments, church. Seems like there is some activity everyday of the week.And maybe I need to simplify my menu. Work in progress y'all.

6. Shave my head - Y'all I really want to do this. But I'm scared. My target day is May 30th. When people hear that I plan to do this the squench up their face and say why. Because I think it would be very liberating and I have always wanted to do it. But I have been afraid of peoples reaction. But y'all I looked up pictures of chubby bald women and then I got scared. Lord help me I'm still going to do it.

7. Beach vacation - No progress.

8. Save money every month - I started off so strong y'all. I felt so big and tall putting money in my savings account. What a grown up thing to do. But y'all, my hand to Gods ear I don't know what happened. Pretty soon I needed a little here and a little there and all of the sudden I had ten stinking dollars in my savings account. I have had some really large, unavoidable expenses this month. But I decided to comb over my bank statement with a fine tooth comb. I got out the highlighters y'all. Know what I found out? I waste a lot of money on fast food and target runs. I plan well but I don't stick with the plan. I'm going to keep on keeping.

9. Write a letter every week - So far I have written a letter to my friend Amy Dunn, Andrew, Ariel. my Auntie Kathy and my sister Julie. It did start off rocky when I forgot to put postage on Amy's letter and it was returned. So I threw a stamp on it and tossed it back in the mail only to have it returned again because the envelope was shiny and the post office dosen't like that so they wanted 15 more cents. So I slapped another stamp on there and away she went. Ain't nothin going to slow my roll.

10. Train Walter - I signed Walter up with a trainer that work with dogs who are not puppies and have learned bad habits. Next Saturday is our big day. I dream of the day I can take Walter to the dog park and he doesn't freak out on all the people and other dogs. The class cost $187! Holy Hannah! But I think its worth it. And the teacher is available for follow up if things are not going well. did it y'all.

11. Teeth - I did it y'all. I went to the dentist for the first time in ten years. This is the one that scared me the most. I don't like the dentist. Who does. Its going to cost a crap ton of money. But I like my teeth and I want to keep them forever.

12.Friend Party - I made a guest list.

13. Take my vitamins every day - Y'all. I am doing it. Have not missed a day. So proud. Then my doctor told me i'm doing it wrong. Not enough iron and it needs to be taken with vitamin c for absorbtion  and Also not enough Vitamin D. So I fixed that y'all and also I am taking a slew of other vitamins that my weight loss doctor recommended. Michael was smelling all my vitamins the other day and he took a big wiff of fish oil and gagged. It was comic.

14. Fix my legs -  Well y'all I feel like an 80 year old woman wearing those dang compression stockings. Not at all like the beautiful, sexy lady on the box. And if another well meaning lady tells me she had to wear those when she was pregnant I might scream. Not really. Because y'all are nice and just trying to help me. But I'm going to have my vein study done on Friday and make a plan for treatment for these old lady legs of mine. Likely it will include surgery and a crap ton of money. But that's ok. Because I like my legs and I want to keep them.

15. Blog every week - Here I am Y'all.

16. Write a book - I'm journaling and taking notes and pictures. Collecting stories.

17. Organize - So far I have organized my laundry room, bathroom and my closet and bedroom. I hoped to have the kitchen and the garage done by now. But sigh. Life happens.

18. Volksmarch 2020 - No progress.

19. Buy a bike - No Progress

20. Post one thing from Pintrest everyday - This has been kind of fun. Haven't missed a day.

21. Exercise 30 minutes every day - Oh Y'all. Just no. I gave up running on the treadmill and picked up the jump rope. I went to a training a while ago that included how jumping rope was very good for your brain health. Especially if you are not a neurotypical person. I really suck at jump roping. No I mean  I am really bad. Starting out I could not jump four times in a row with out tripping or missing. If I count out loud it goes better. After two weeks I can jump 20 times with out missing. Its not much but I'm improving. It gets my heart rate up and makes me sweat. And my kids love it.They love to see their mom active and trying new things. They want to be involved and cheer me on and they want to try it too. And I keep trying and trying and trying.

22. Print 50 pictures every month - No pictures printed.

23. Make over - I called that make up store, Ulta. I have never set foot in there but I assume they sell nice make up. I called and asked about a make over. $60 for a full make over. I'm mulling it over. If I'm going to be bald I better learn this stuff. Then the perky lady who sounded about 12 said I really should also have my lashes done for 10 extra dollars because the look would not be complete with out it. Honey no. Leave my eye lashes and my eye brows alone.

24. Family photo shoot - no progress

25. Solo week end get away - No progress

26. Write down all my food and spending - I need to do better about this. I have been writing down my weight and how much money I actually have in the bank every morning. But it would be better if I wrote what I actually consumed and what I actually spent each day.

27. Read 50 books - So far I have read 3 books. Magical Thinking by Augustine Burroughs, Dead End Gene Pool by I cant remember the author and Girl Was Your Face by Rachel Hollis.

28. Pay off all debt except the house - No progress

29. Free garage sale - No progress

30. Facebook introductions - My friend Andrew sent me a text after the first on saying I was a very weird lady. You better watch it man. You know I'll get a ladder and climb up there and throat punch you. So far I have introduced 4 sets of people.

31. Family day once a month - Last month we went to the library. I admit that wasn't very exciting. Tomorrow we have to go to Sioux Falls for some medical appointments so we are staying at a hotel with a water park. woot.

32. Increase retirement - Talked to my boss and I have to wait until open enrollemt in January.

33. Family date night- Of all my ideas this one has been the absolute best. Every Friday one kid gets to be in charge of planning and executing family date night. We have had fort night, snow ball night and make your own pizza night.

34. Shoot a gun - No progress

35. No tv except on Sundays - I changed the day to Saturday but I have been very faithful and only watched tv once a week. It has freed up a lot of time I didn't know that I had. Also has made me realize how much time my kids spend watching tv.

36. Celebrate international mud day - No progress

37. Christmas in July - No progress

38.Lemonade Project - No progress

39. Redecorate the house - No progress

40. Go to my primary care doctor - Goal met! I went to the doctor, got my lab work done, got my referral for my legs, got a prescription for the dreaded compression stockings and I was out of there. I followed up on the labs and I am still anemic and still have a vitamin D problem.

41. Hire a maid - I hired her. She is me. I got the job. No seriously. This sounded like a good idea at the time. I am so embarrassed about the way my house looks most of the time. I just can not keep up. I know I have a tribe of children to help me. They don't help me. But I called around about maid services and I just cant justify spending that amount of money when I am trying to get out of debt entirely. Its too much.I have to do it myself. Have too.

42. Ask my cousin to paint my dog - No progress

43. That personal goal I didn't want to talk about - If you know me you know this goal was about a person and not a thing.I don't know if you have ever been in a situation like mine. Chances are you are smarter than me and you haven't. But is there someone in your life who was not right for you. And you knew it. But you just could.not get over it. You just could not let this person go. Moving on is the toughest thing. All my friends are rolling their eyes right now because they have heard more times than they can count that I was going to change. That I'm too old for this crap. That this was really it. But here is the thing. This is really it. I'm done with this unhealthy shell of an empty non relationship. Letting go is not the same as giving up.

44. Weekend trip with my pal Sam - No progress. Except to tell Sam she is going on a trip with me for our birthday.

45. Fabulous Christmas - I made an Amazon list and a pintrest board

46. Read my Bible everyday- I have been reading my one year Bible everyday. Seems like every time I sit down to read a ruckus starts up between my children and I have to yell "Jesus be near me! If you don't shut up that racket while I am reading my Bible I'm going to thump you!" But i'm getting it done. I have to admit rereading Jeremiah has been a little frightening.

47. Take one walk per week - No walks taken. I moved the day from Friday to Sunday. But i still don't take the walk. In my defense it is cold and windy.

48. Random Act of kindness - I have done three acts.



49. Take a picture of myself everyday. I never realized how much nicer I look when I smile.

50. 50th party - No progress

Evan

Tori's pumpkin

The annual carving of Scary Steve

Evan and Walter

All of the clothes I can't wear unless I lose weight

Pizza date night

Pizza date night

Pizza date night

Day 25 The Wall

Oh y'all. It's been a heavy week. You knew it would happen. Not everyday is roses and not every week brings progress. But Lord y'all. Yesterday I had it. I recently went away for a few days for a work training in Montana. My children don't adjust well to me being gone. Especially the younger ones. They wonder down deep in their bones if I am really coming back. They know loss. Its not so bad when I'm gone. I have great support (thank you from the bottom of my heart Ariel) But the coming home. Boy Howdy. The behavior is over the top. But sometimes I must go. And we always find our way back to our brand of normal. But yesterday I just hit the wall. Tired. The kids had yet another day off of school. Dante wanted to make hot chocolate in the Keurig. Only he likes his with milk. So he filled the Keurig with milk. The dishwasher is still broken and probably will be for a while. Then Walter ate the dinner off the table when I wasn't looking and I tripped when I was jumping rope and despite my best efforts I messed up my checking account. I did go to the doctor and got my blood work done. And was told I have to wear the dreaded compression stockings. But I got a referral for my legs. I went to the dentist and found I, after a life time of no cavities, I now have four. And I need about $1200 worth of dental work done. So much for my savings. So I was feeling quit sorry for myself. I wanted to throw my jump rope down and storm off to my room and slam the door like a dramatic teenager. Then I looked over at my 14 year old son eating pop corn and watching tv on the couch. And it dawned on me what day it was. Two years ago to the day. My son tried to take his life. Tears filled my eyes as I recalled the worst day of my life. I called my son over to me and told him that I was thinking about that day. I told him that I was so proud of him and how hard he had worked to come back from that place. And although the road has not been smooth I am so thankful to have him with me. He kissed me on the head and swiped my hot chocolate off of the table and went back to watching tv. Suddenly all the inconveniences seemed trivial. I'll get it done. Little by little. Hug your babies y'all and appreciate what you have. Until next week. Over and out.

Dentist

Doctor

Somehow I don't think they will look this sexy on me

Can't forget John Mayer's birthday

Fifty things I don't like. Fight me.
1. Katchup
2. Grammar Nazis (Sorry mom. I love you.)
3. Dog hair
4. Itchy skin
5. Salsa
6. Cold feet
7. Wind
8. People who don't say what they mean
9. People who say what they mean, but rude
10. broken pencils
11. Things over my face
12. Rats, mice and rodents
13. Music with no words
14. Pictures with no people
15. Being woken up from a nap for no good reason
16. Churches with out grace
17. Chewing on a sucker stick or a popsicle stick
18. Arrogance
19. Being bossed
20. Clothes that shrink in the dryer
21. Adult coloring books
22. Daylight savings time
23. Car repairs
24. Fancy shoes
25. Online dating
26. These movies: All dogs go to heaven, The Mask, Unforgiven, The Crying game
27. These songs: Old Town Road, Any song by Drake
28. Exercising
29. Being licked by my dog
30. Mean girls
31. Emotionally unavailable men (Who am I kidding. I love those guys. Lol)
32. Junk mail
33. Scary Movies
34. Tight pants
35. Underwear
36. Socks
37. Cold sores
38. People who talk during church, movies
39. Coats
40. Getting up early
41. Songs that get stuck in your head
42. When people flake
43. Being lost
44. Make up
45. Fake finger nails ( On me. They look pretty on you.)
46. Missing people
47. People who are not flexable
48. Neck pain
49. Sleep Apnea
50. injustice

On the 18th Day

Exercise

Snowballs

The fight is on

Crazy Fun

Dante and the Dishes

Walter the Reindeer

Funny Michael

Happy Mom

Sage because Walter get all the glory

Hi Y'all. The house is a mess. But I don't even care. Its been a good week. Michael even fixed our stuck letter Z.  We had our second date night and for the life of me I don't know why we have not always been doing this. The theme this week was snowballs. The timing was perfect since we got our first snow storm of the season that same day. The 15 year old started in with his grumbling and complaining again. Stupid baby stuff. I told him I got some frozen (Let it go Frozen. Not freezer frozen) brownie mix and he got excited.  First he said "No way. I'm never eating Brownies again" If you know the brownie story you know why. If you don't it's a knee slapper. I'll have to tell you another time. He likes to cook. I told him the only rule about the brownies was that he had to execute the recipe with no help from me and he had to let his little sister help. They took right to it.

Decided they wanted to do it their own way and not follow the recipe exactly. They had so much fun. Christmas music playing in the background ( I'm one of those people). Chris and Tori cooking and Dante at the table wadding up balls of newspaper and wrapping them with tape for our epic snowball fight. I had my doubts y'all about this snow ball fight. I thought it would end like every Nerf war, board game, basically most things that we try to do together as a group. With somebody crying because somebody went too far. Or somebody ticked off because they didn't win. But y'all it was so fun. Running, chasing. No one crying. Everyone laughing. That's rare for this family full of adhd kids. At the end I said game ends in 10, 9, 8 and threw my hands in the air all of the kids pelted me with the remaining snowballs and it was over.
Another idea I had this week was inspired by parent teacher conferences. I told the kids at dinner that I needed to schedule a conference with each of them individually in my room for 15 minutes. When each of them came in I had the Uno cards out and shuffled and we played a hand of Uno while we chatted about school and friends and grades and life. That short 15 minutes was really meaningful.  I think. Although when I asked Tori if she had a magic wand and she could change one thing in her life what would it be she answered "I would have a mom and a dad who was a spy and a talking spy dog" Too many Spy kid movies for that kid.
I decided to switch it up on the exercise. I really don't like the treadmill so its hard for me to make myself do it. I went back to jump roping. I like it because I can do it right down stairs with the kids. And they like getting involved too. I really suck at it. I miss all the time and mess up. But I figure I am teaching my kids persistence and resilience by learning from failure and not giving up. All the "Mom you are really bad at jump roping" statements have turned into "You got this mom. Just one more. Maybe if you do it this way it will help" Kinds of statements. We are learning problem solving together.
Don't think it's all roses over here. This house is still a mess (except the laundry room, my room and my bathroom. Nobody better mess up what mamma just cleaned and organized). And there some evening where I'm just tired and I have to force myself. And to be honest eating good food has been a struggle. Some days I rock it and some days I hit the Taco Bell. But I'm not being mean to myself y'all. I'm getting there. Because between of piano lessons and homework and mental health appointments and church and haircuts and teenage angst and IEP meetings and med checks I'm getting it done y'all. I'm making the calls. I'm talking the vitamins, I'm taking time for myself to enjoy books. I am appreciating my friends. I'm making time for my kid. I am loving life right now and its rubbing off on my kids. Some of you know my son, Dante, has FASD and sometimes life is a struggle for him and for me. The past three weeks or so it seems he has just been triggered by everything. Melt down after melt down after melt down in an endless loop. It has been hard on us. But this week has been so much different. I know there will be rough times again. That's the nature of FASD. But for now it feels good.  One of the reasons is that he has discovered dish washing. Our dish washer died and Dante has been volunteering to wash the dishes by hand in exchange for time on the computer. The sensory experience of water and soap is calming. And the pride of working hard shows. I think I am more relaxed and able to cope and that helps as well. Not always. This morning I about had a melt down myself when I could not find something I was looking for and Christopher refused to take his medicine because it was "gooey" and the dog was barking. I kicked a chair y;'all. I had to say I was sorry for not using my coping tools. The kids were all "calm down and breath mom, man." But most of the time when my attitude is better so is theirs.   More to come y'all. Stay tuned. My list of 50 tonight? 50 great recording artists:
1. John Mayer
2.Joni Mitchell
3. Alan Jackson
4. Alison Krauss
5. Anita Baker
6. Carly Simon
7. Chris Burns
8. Dan Fogelberg
9. DC Talk
10. The Dead South
11. Dwight Yoakam
12. Eric Clapton
13. Garth Brooks
14. Glen Campbell
15. George Ezra
16. John Denver
17. Terry Talbot
18. Johnny Cash
19. Keith Green
20. Kenny Chesney
21. Lifehouse
22. Marty Robbins
23. Matthew Ward
24. Michael Jackson
25. Mylon LeFevre
26. Nancy Cassidy
27. Nickel Creek
28. Patsy Cline
29. Quiency Jones
30. Randy Stonehill
31. Randy Travis
32. Sara Groves
33. Oden Fong
34. The Statler Brothers
35. Steve Taylor
36. Steven Curtis Chapman
37. Stevie Wonder
38. Sting
39. Susan Ashton
40. They might be giants
41. Toby Keith
42. Todd Agnew
43. Tracy Chapman
44. Waterdeep
45. Waylon Jennings
46. The Wealthy West
47. Weird Al
48. Willie Nelson
49. The Wiggles
50. Sixpence None the Richer

Team work Makes the dream work

Tori helps out

11 Days In

The fort

Hi y'all. This is the first of my weekly updates on my Project 50. I'm 11 days in and still going strong. It hasn't been all smooth sailing but I'm still swimming. Lordy Pete y'all. I must be the laziest sun of a gun you have ever run across. I just hate to exercise. I used to do it all of the time so I know I'll get used to it again. But man. The excuses I can come up with to put off climbing those stairs and getting on that treadmill. As far as self care goes I've been a rock star this week. I've made an appointment with my dentist and my primary care doctor. and I have taken my vitamins everyday. Been reading my Bible and my library book everyday. Y'all I organized my laundry room/pantry. I took everything out and started from scratch and it looks so pretty. My kids know I am serious because they haven't thrown one stitch of clothes on the floor for a week. Now I have started on my bathroom. We had our first family date night. Epic fort night. I used craft stick and wrote down all the date night ideas and let the kids draw a stick out of the jar to decide what we will do next. When I did it I imagined their eyes would sparkle and they would thank me for coming up with clever ways for us to enjoy spending time together. My 15 year old drew out his stick with a simple idea of taking a night time walk with flashlights. This was perfect for him because he loves flashlights and has bout a dozen of them. I thought he would be happy. Instead he dropped the stick and rolled his eyes and said "cant you come up with more age appropriate activities? I'm 15 years old. I don't want to take a walk. Its not what teen agers do." I tried to explain to him that every  idea does not have to be elaborate. Just look for ways for us to spend time together. Teen agers don't walk? He huffed to his room muttering things about baby stuff and being treated like an adult. okie dokie then. My nine year old seemed to understand that my feelings were bruised. So he sat by me at the table and rubbed my back mummering "I'll take a walk with you mom. I'll take a night walk"  I worked a little on home improvement. My friend Steven has been helping me because let's face it y'all, I'm not handy.  I'm clumsy and I break stuff. Home maintenance  and repair are not in my wheelhouse. So he has been replacing blinds and screens and fixing door knobs and hinges. Mostly I have been making lists and picking up supplies and following him around watching him while he does the work. But I feel like we (and by we I mean Steven) are making progress. I have written two letters and matched up 2 facebook friends. I started on my welcome bag project and my carl Jensen project. For the first time in years I put money in my savings account. I signed Walter up for naughty dog classes. All in all not a bad start. I am also keeping in mind that this is real life. Tonight we are waiting out a blizzard. School has been cancelled for tomorrow. So instead of working on my list We are drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream and squirting it in each others mouths. We are watching movies in blankets on the floor and talking about what fun stuff we could do tomorrow. Because I want to be consistent and meet my goals. But I also want to be present and enjoy the moments in front of me. I'll leave you with a list of 50 for the week. Not fifty ways to leave your lover. Fifty ways for you to discover ...
Fifty things I love:
1. The smell of sunscreen
2. When my very big boys come into my room to hang out and talk
3. Road trips
4. John Mayer (You knew that)
5. Seeing my favorite books on the shelf at the the library. Like meeting an old friend
6. When my dog lays his head on my chest to wake me up in the morning. I act annoyed but I like it.
7. Songs that remind me of childhood
8. Doing impressions of people
9. Public speaking
10. Making lists
11. The notes my children write me
12. Sitting in hot tubs
13. Announcing the first gift of Christmas on Christmas morning ( Like on the Polar Express)
14. Holy moments - When something happens and you know in the deepest part of you that it was a moment designed by God. A conversation, an event, a meeting, an occurrence that The Holy Spirit just breathed on. Even if you don't  believe in God you have had these moments that you know are bigger than you.
15. McDonald's coffee
16. Mayonaise
17. Forgivness
18. Best friends
19. Inside jokes
20. Learning from my mistakes
21. The smell of cigarette smoke - I don't smoke. I haven't for almost 19 years. I never will again. But I like the way cigarette smoke smells
22. Singing in my car really loud
23. Journals, note pads, stationary, pens, pencils
24. Being outside in the middle of the night when the world is asleep
25. Pinterest
26. A certain man
27. Parties
28. Google - always helping me with the spelling of words and the directions. Thanks Google
29. My friend Andrew who loves me even though I am a dork and always makes fun of John Mayer
30. The beach
31. Hotels
32. The pastors who have influences my faith and my life and made me want to go after God. Pastor Cleetus - Even though our paths have divided and we don't remotely believe the same things anymore. I am greatful for a time when I believe we did see eye to eye  and things were different. Pastor Aaron - who found me when I was broken. Pastor Jeff - Who uncovered my incredible stubborn streak and softened my need to always be right. And Pastors Brent and Tani - Who always believed in me.
33. Soft blankets
34. Hearts
35. The gift of a daughter
36. All of the people who were parents to me. Including Aunts and grandmothers and step parents and birth parents and mothers and fathers of my own choosing
37. The color yellow
38. Narnia
39. The gift of reading. It came very late for me. But oh the places I have been and the things I have learned from books
40. Facebook
41. John Oliver (Sorry my conservative friends. He's funny as heck and mostly right on point)
42. Christmas
43. The 4th of July
44. Work trips
45. Cool old houses
46. This really old show that used to come on PBS staring Sam Waterson called I'll Fly Away. Best show ever.
47. Cutting to the chase
48. Mercy and Grace
49. The river of souls (stole that from the one and only Randy Stonehill) running through my life who add to the beauty (stole that from the one and only Sara Groves) and make this life half as hard and twice as good (Sarah Groves again).
50. My children

Exercising

Laundry room before

Laindry room after