Hi y'all. How the heck are you? Me? I'm swell. A little tired tonight but I'm feeling so good y'all. I've been working on my 50x50 and really getting somethings done. I'm kicking butt and taking names. Its been 5 months since I came up with this crazy celebration of my life. Almost half way there! I've learned a few things along the way. The first one is that if you want true and lasting change consistent small steps everyday really add up. Also do it even when you don't want to. Your future self will thank you. And.. You cant do everything at once. Everything in its own time. But the big lesson that I have learned is that when you are intentional about what you want. When you write it down and break down the steps from here to there big things become doable. I noticed that when I named and published all of my ideas with all of the honesty and vulnerability I could muster I started to see the manifestation of these things in my life. Not without hard work and elbow grease but people and inspiration started showing up at just the right time and in just the right place. So here is a peek into a few things I have been working on lately. This past few months my house has become a priority. I went looking for someone who could help me get my laundry problem under control and instead I found a handyman who is whipping this place into shape. Holes are getting patched. Toilets replaced. New flooring going in. It is inspiring me to want to make my home the place I have always wanted to come home to. Happy dance y'all. The other thing I have simmering on the front burner is my solo weekend trip. I put this on my list because I want to learn to enjoy my own company. I don't like to be alone. But I think its important for rest and relaxation. I want to go on a trip and not worry about what everyone else needs or if anyone else is happy. But I was having such a time deciding where to go. Then I happened upon a travel agency that books mystery tips. You tell them your budget, how you want to travel and fill out a survey about your interest and they plan a mystery trip. You don't know your destination until three days before you go. This adventure has me so excited. My kids and I make guesses every night about where I might go. Its also been a nice geography lesson. No Evan, Paris is not in the United States. I find out my mystery destination April 21st. I'll keep you posted. I have always wanted to give a Ted talk. The deadline for application for the the Rapid City TEDx event that will be held in June is this week. I'll tell you true. This one scares me to death. I have a lot of good ideas. Ideas worth sharing. But it terrifies me. But y'all I'm going to do it scared. Stay tuned. One of the huge things I have been working on is my eating. I have been following this eating plan called bright line eating. No sugar (not ever sugar substitutes or honey) No flour (not even nut flour) Eat only three meals a day. No snacks. I followed the plan for 5 weeks and lost 16 pounds. Better than that I felt great. No more foggy feeling in the afternoon. No more waking up exhausted. No more irritable mood swings. I just felt great. Then I went out of town for a work trip and I ate like crap for two weeks. I could feel the change in my body. Inflammation in my feet. Irritability, exhaustion the works. So I'm back to healthy eating. I'm no longer willing to trade feeling healthy and well for a bag of Cheetos and a soda. The kids and I have been continuing our date nights and family outings. We recently went to a Harlem Globetrotters game. Oh my word! Watching these kids expressions and excitement was priceless. A night I know they will never forget. Our next planned date night is Lego night. I am so excited because I have a Lego surprise for them. One of my original ideas was to have my cousin Melissa paint a portrait of Walter. I decided instead that I would rather have Melissa paint a picture of my sister Julie's aging dog, Sam. He's a great old boy and I think it would be really special for my sister. My friend party is planned for March 28th. All of the invitations have been mailed and I am giddy with anticipation. I cant wait to gather my people in one place and celebrate our friendship. Its been a great 5 months and it has flown by. I am so full of expectation and hope for what the next 7 months will bring. What an amazing adventure.
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Hope Healing and Resilience
I've been reading this book called Grit by Angela Duckworth. I have thought a lot about resilience and grit the past few years. What makes one person seemingly overcome obstacle and adversity and trauma and another person, with similar experiences be over come by the trials of life? Why do some thrive and some drown? We know so much now about how adverse childhood experiences change your brain. Literally, physically change the way your brain is wired and how it functions. We also know that the brain is an amazing thing. Your brains number one job is to keep you alive by adapting. If trauma can change the brain so can healing. But how? The how is the hard part. How do you heal? How do you move forward and become resilient? I have trouble spelling resilience most days, much less achieving it. And yet, in some ways, I am a walking example of resilience in the face of adversity. Most days I feel that way. Other days I feel like who am I kidding? I'll never get my shit together. Self doubt takes over. Years ago when my big boys were small Ian bought me Oprah's 20th anniversary dvd box set. Over the years Oprah interviewed this one woman who struggled with anorexia and eventually died from it. Oprah was passionate about helping this woman. But lasting change was never achieved. At one point someone told the woman she needed to love herself and get better. The woman's answer was "but how?" No one could give her an answer. That but how has stayed with me all of these years. How do you love yourself when you don't? How do you have self esteem when that flower doesn't grow in your garden? People always say you cant love someone else unless you love yourself? Is that even true? Love and attachment grow in the context of relationship. You cant self love in a vacuum. And yet.. People who don't love themselves are hard to love. It's true. You know them. They are your friends or family or maybe you. Those people who are needy and clingy because they fear abandonment. Or they might be the person who wont let you in. They wont accept your love for fear of the same thing. They isolate. Trying to connect with them on a deeper level is like pouring water on concrete. But both of those kinds of people crave connection and belonging. I believe that people can change. Healing is possible. But I don't think it's easy or simple. When I look at my own life I see a person with a learning disability who didn't read until she was almost 9. A student who was in special ed most of her school career. A survivor of domestic violence and poverty and family dysfunction on many levels. But I also see how certain pivotal people in my life influenced me and cheered me on and told me I could do things and never gave up on me. In every story of resilience you will find these people. I also see God's hand. I could not have even survived with out God, much less thrived. Could not. I don't know what your faith situation is but I know if you are trying to go it alone you just cant. I am the chief of sinners and often times don't even feel like I have a place at the table. But unending grace invites me in every time. Then there is my family. My crazy, imperfect family. I see resilience and healing in them too. My mother is the first person to say she is so sorry that she had a part in my trauma history. I appreciate all the great things my mom has given me. My love of music, reading, my curiosity about the world around me. She taught me to think about things and not accept things at face value. Dig deeper. After years of struggling with domestic violence and substance abuse and poverty and struggling to raise three willful daughters my mom is in a healthy marriage. She is clean and sober for many, many year. She spent the past few decades protecting the rights of children and vulnerable adults. She has three amazing adult daughters and many grandchildren who love and adore her. She has a variety of interests and abilities like rock collecting and jewelry making. She is the first person I call when I have a problem. If you asked her how she did it she would probably tell you years of therapy and self reflection and hard work. I think it was just a dogged determination to pull her head out of her ass and live a different life. Not a perfect life. Just a healthier one. So how do you do it? First of all it starts in you. Self-efficacy is what I'm talking about. How do you view the world? Do you have a growth mind set? Are you able to see failure as a part of growth? Are you willing to try hard things and take risks? Or do you have a fixed mind set? Do you believe change is possible and are you willing to do the work to achieve it. Or do you give up when things are challenging? Do you think you are the way you are and there is nothing you can do about it? Persistence and consistency are a huge part of success. Do yo have an internal locus of control or external. Do you believe stuff just happens to you and you have no control. You have heard it before. "I'm cursed" "If it weren't for bad luck i'd have no luck at all" Or do you think that your thoughts and actions have a huge impact on the things that happen to you in life? You are in the drivers seat of your own life? Secondly you need at least one caring competent adult in your life. Someone who will give it to you straight but not give up on you. Go find your person. A counselor, neighbor, friend. Lots of people are caring and lots of people are competent but you need someone who is both. And if you are already on the path to healing and self love consider being that person for someone else. Someone who says to the person with depression "hey, lets get out and take a walk and get some fresh air." or that guy who models to another guy that its okay to be vulnerable and talk about emotions. Not an enabler. Not judger. A competent, caring adult. Lastly you need community. You need places of faith and fellowship. You need belonging. You need other people. You need to be part of something. Your church, the Humane Society, a book club, Whatever you are passionate about find those people. It will be hard at first because you won't feel like you fit in. But it's ok if you stand out. Be you. Find people who share your passion and interests. Belong. Make connections. Before I wrap this up and land this plane lets talk a little about self love. People are always going on about loving your self and self love. It always felt a little wrong to be loving on myself because I never wanted to be one of those lovers of self mentioned in the Bible. I admire humility in people and arrogance is a huge turn off to me. Yet the Bible does tell us to love our neighbor as much as we love ourselves. That sounds like Jesus thinks we should love ourselves. Love as I have loved you he says. Those are powerful words. His love is extravagant. I think self love is so much deeper than bubble baths and spa days. Those are nice and refreshing. But deeper self love is doing the things you know are right for you. Eating the right foods, getting enough sleep. Taking chances by being vulnerable. Putting up boundaries in your life. Laughing. Singing. Letting joy in. Doing the hard things that you want to quit on. Reframing situations in your life. Your brain only listens to you. So rethink the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what is possible. Find your passion. What lights a fire in you and excites you? Follow that path. These are the things of self love. Lastly lets think about your actual brain. When you are born you have the capacity to learn an infinite amount of things. You have so many brain cells, so many more than you will ever need. Through experiences you brain builds neuronal connections. Pathways between brain cells. The more you do something the stronger the connections get. The ones that are not used as often become weaker. If you love to bowl and that's one of your passions and you practice and think about it all the time and read books about bowling and connect with other bowlers those neuronal pathways related to bowling become like super highways. But maybe you are not very interested in gardening but you know a little about it. You don't put it into practice very often. Those connections are like old dirt roads. As you get older first at about age three and again when you are a teen ager your brain goes through what is called neuronal pruning. It knows you need more room to develop those specialize interests that you have. So it gets rid of the connections that you don't use. Your brain adapts and becomes more specialized. But here is the thing. Your brain is not fully developed until you are about 25! Think of all those young adults figuring out life and their brain is still growing. Another thing. Your brain continues to be adaptive through out your life time. Neuroplasticity is what it is called. Through consistent patterns of thought and behavior you can build new and strong neuronal connections and change the function of your brain. You are adaptable. Its hard work. You cant do it alone but you can do it. Going back to my own story. I am not fully healed. I still struggle in areas. But a girl who used to check out a huge stack of books from the library and pretend she read them because she was embarrassed that she couldn't read is planning to write a book. She dares to write a blog even though she still struggles with spelling and punctuation. A girl who witnessed violence and lived in fight or flight mode for years is able to bring hope and comfort to children who have experienced trauma and violence. A girl who was called retard most of her school life is writing and speaking about brain development. A woman who has every reason to feel like God is against her because she has experiences adversity and hard ship knows the loving grace and open arms of her creator. And its not because I'm special. Its because of the school counselor who said I could go to college. Its because of the Auntie who introduced me to Jesus. It's because of the family friend who talked to me about healthy eating and God's plan for my life. It's the friends who listen to me without judgement. It's the family member who believed in me so much she supported me my last year in college so that I could be single focused. It's the boss who called me the little engine that could and told me never to quit. It's the caring competent adults in my life who never went easy on me but also never gave up on me. Its the community I belong to. Foster parents, Church folk, ACE fellows, coworkers. Its the role models I have found for myself. Authors, speakers, fellow travelers. It's my faith. The hope of Glory, Christ in me. And it is because I decided to never quit. Fall down 7 times. Get up 8. If the super highway is not working you might have to take the bumpy back road until the super highway in your brain is repaired. But you will get there. Practice reading until you can read 50 books in a year. Finish college even if it takes you 12 years instead of 4. Live with an open heart and take a chance on people even when your brain tells you that people cant be trusted and everyone will let you down. Your brain only listens to you. Make up your mind today that healing is possible. You can't do it alone and it certainly wont be easy. But you can do it.
Saturday, January 25, 2020
Behind the Scenes
Hi y’all. These past few months have been a whirlwind. I haven’t been doing much blogging. But I’ve been busy behind the scenes kicking butt and taking names. Since I’m nearly 4 months in I thought I’d give you an update on how things are going. And next I’ll include a few pictures. I’ve started a new blog called jubilee. But I haven’t quit figured out what I want to do with it yet. The main thing for me right now is to get back into the habit of writing. And maybe do some video blogs in the future. I have a friend who started calling my list 50x50 and I love that. Here goes y’all.
1. Ted talk- The theme of my future Ted Talk is “Change Your Mind” I am so curious about resilience and retraining of the brain, the role of failure in success, grit, and so much more. I want to talk about and explore how people get unstuck, so to speak. If you have stories about overcoming adversity or personal growth, light bulb moments in your life, people or experiences that opened the door to breakthrough and change in your life I’d love to hear them. I’m reading and researching and listening. What I have learned: change is possible. But it is rarely quick or easy.
2. Carl Jensen - You remember my idea to write letters to all of the people I could find and ask them to share something about themselves. I wanted to explore how people with the same name are alike and different. It’s not going so well. There is just no way to send a stranger a letter and convey that you are not weird but also ask them to tell you about themselves. My first Carl Jensen letter happened to be to a Carl Jensen who was already my Facebook friend. He promptly unfriended me. Me second letter went unanswered. I took a break after that because I couldn’t think of a different way to say the same thing in a nonstalkerish way. However, I was watching a tv documentary and I saw a private investigator on the show named Carl Jensen! I found my self alone at 11pm on my couch yelling “Carl Jensen! It’s Carl Jensen! What I have learned: Most people are not as open and trusting as I assumed they would be. Everyone is not like me.
3. Welcome bags - so far three people have generously donated to my welcome bag project. Since the holidays are over I’m going to put the request out there again with help to fill 50 bags before September 28 2020. This is so doable. Stay tuned for pictures and updates. What I have learned: Helping feels good.
4. Home Improvement- With the help of my friend Steven I have been able to tackle a few jobs. But there is so much to do around here. So I decided to hire a handy man. I have a list of things for him to do, I made an appointment with him to come over and get started. Sad face- he never showed up. Turns out he quit working for the handy man service and I was left high and dry. I’m not giving up though. Monday morning I’m going to call the service and get someone else. Time to make this place shine. What I have learned: It takes time to undo years of neglect. To our homes, bodies, relationships. Also i need a boyfriend who can build and fix things
5. Weight loss- oh y'all. keto was not working for me. I just could not sustain it for very long. I was on it and off it every few weeks with very little results. When I went to my agency’s annual lunch I saw my friend Rachel looking all skinny and cute and I told her I wasn’t sure we could still be friends. She told me of a new diet that she was on called Bright line eating. No sugar, not even fake sugar. No flour. Not even nut flour. Three meals a day. No snacks. And weigh you food. I bought the book. I got myself a pressure cooker and a digital scale. It’s been 17 days and I have lost 10 pounds. It has not been easy. I miss my coffee with more sugar and cream than coffee. But I feel SO much better. More energy. Sleeping better at night. I’m hungry at meal times. Food tastes better. I have 40 more pounds to go before I’m back to my ideal weight. I’ll keep you posted. What I have learned: You can start over from where you are. You can start over as many times as it takes. Fall down 7 times. Get up 8
6. Shave my head- No one is on board with this idea. People keep trying to walk me back. “Maybe try a short hair cut first. Don’t do anything drastic” But by cracky it’s my head and I’ll be drastic if I want. I was so inspired by an article I read about Ricki Lake buzzing her hair and how freeing it was for her. It may not be attractive. But it’s hair. It will grow back. May 30. I’m doing it. What I have learned: Coloring outside the lines makes people uncomfortable.
7. Beach vacation- My friend Lorrie S. Recently returned from a trip exactly like the one I want to take with the kids. She said it was amazing. I only have three more summers with my big boys. Less than that when you think of jobs and cars and girls and activities. I am willing to invest my tax return to make some wonderful memories relaxing and having fun. Can’t wait until June, What I have learned: The days go slowly but the years go fast. Drink it up.
8. Save money every month - I feel like I’m going in reverse on this goal. Zero dollars have been saved so far. I need more help. It’s not that I’ve been impulsively spending. But shit costs money. And I suck at money management. I have made some strides. I set up all of my bills to be auto drafted from my account. I’m eating out less (not at all since I changed my diet). I’m tracking my spending. But dang it I always end up behind the eight ball. Time to re-evaluate. What I have learned: If it’s not in your wheel house there is no shame in asking for help.
9. Cards and letters - My goal is to send a letter a week to friends and loved ones. I love sitting down every Sunday night and giving special thought to the person who’s name is in front of me. My 50 favorite people make my life rich and beautiful. I love them. And it is a pleasure to put my love for them on paper and launch it across time and distance. If you haven’t gotten yours yet your turn is coming or else I don’t have your address. So far I’m on track with 17 letters. What I have learned: The post office doesn’t like shiny envelopes. People need to hear what they mean to you. Even if you think they already know.
10. Teeth - Dadgum y’all. Why is dental care so expensive. Even with dental insurance these dental bills are cleaning my clock. Worth it though. I like these teeth and I want to keep them. So far I’ve had six appointments to address my dental health. One more appointment and this goal Will be complete. In the books. Done like dinner. Here is what I learned from the dentist. I’m a gagger. Also sometimes things you have been really afraid of turn out to be not nearly as scary as you thought.
11. Train Walter- Walter is becoming more manageable the older he gets. But he’s still so territorial. And he can appear to be very scary. Even though he’s a giant baby. I signed him up for naughty dog class three times and had to reschedule because of a blizzard. I’m waiting until the spring to reschedule. But we will get it done. What I’ve learned: I never thought I could love a dog so much. I’ve never been good with pets. I never liked it (still don’t) when people call their pets children. But I understand it now. Walter is family.
12. Friend party- Guest list is complete. Invites go out next month. It’s going to be so fun y’all. What I have learned: Friends are the family you choose. We are all busy. We all have lives. But we must take time to tend the garden of friendship.
13. Take vitamins everyday- I cannot even tell you what a difference this has made in my life. Since I’ve started taking vitamins to address my low iron and low vitamin d and a few others, my mood has stabilized. I feel good. What I have learned. Little habits everyday add up to big changes over time.
14. Fix Legs - I had my leg surgery done on two different days. The first day the woman I call purple nurse was in charge. She was amazing. She told me everything that would happen. She gave me heated blankets and held my hand through the painful parts. She checked on me. She took care when she bandaged my leg (in purple gauze). She checked on me in every way and took care of me. The second day purple nurse was gone and blue nurse was in charge. She seemed distant and distracted. She forgot the blankets. She never asked me how I was or talked to me about what would happen. During the painful parts she seemed unconcerned. She quickly wrapped my legs up (in blue gauze) in a haphazard manner. She never told me of my follow up appointment and rushed me out the door. I don't know what was going on in blue nurses life. It was the day before thanksgiving. Maybe she was distracted. Maybe this wasn't her regular assignment. All I know is that my purple leg healed faster and better than my blue leg. They both healed and both legs are doing great. But the blue one took a lot longer. What I learned: Be like the purple nurse. Give it all you've got. Strive for excellence in everything you do. Little details make a difference.
15. Blog - I want to blog every week. Tuesday is my day. I want to practice writing and get better at it. But I struggle with finding time. Next week I am going to try some video blogging. I'm messing around with my other blog. I'll get it right. The important thing right now is to get back into a routine. What I have learned: I'm not sure. Except that these blog posts are too long. No one has time to read them but I am writing for myself right now. I'll revise and refine later. It's ok.
16. Book - I intend to write a book. 50x50. Deep dives into the list and stories that from my experiences. Every day I have been writing down ideas and stories in what I call my red books. Notes thoughts, narrative about my life. What I have learned: There is a reason I never shut up. I have a lot to say.
17. Organize cabinets, drawers and closets. I have organized the kitchen, laundry room, my room and my closet and my bathroom. In a short amount of time all of the places that I have organized have become just as disorganized as they were before. The kitchen cabinets are the only thing that have stayed neat and organized. I find this frustrating. I live with little mess makers and I am also a mess maker. Our brains are not adapted to organization. We like it when we see it but we struggle to maintain it. What I have learned: Organization is not an event its a lifestyle. Also I have too much stuff.
18. Volksmarch- The fall Volksmarch for 2020 is in September near my birthday. I intend to be there. I have added stretches to my daily exercise routine. Exercise combined with weight loss and over all health should prepare me. I did it before. I can do it again. Go me. What I learned: Little habits yield big results ( I know that's a repeat but its true)
19. Buy a bike- I saw the bike I want to buy. I looked it up on line. I found the store that sells them. When nice weather arrives (that is really anybody's guess in South Dakota) I will have my bike. Funny story. I saw the bike chained up to the bike rack at the high school. Michael said the words I was thinking. Who rides a bike like that to school through the snow in the middle of winter in South Dakota to get to high school? A bad ass. That's who. What I have learned: You will find what you are looking for if you keep your eyes open.
20. One pin from pintrest posted on facebook everyday- When I started I thought about all of the pins I have posted on Pintrest and never looked at again or shared. I decide to pick one each day to share for a laugh or inspiration or instruction. Turns out most of my pins are not pinteresting to me anymore. So I have just been posting what I steal from other people. That works too. What I learned: People like to laugh.
21. Exercise 30 minutes everyday- This has been difficult. With the holidays and my leg surgery and me being lazy and everything. At first I was trying to run on my treadmill every night. But I just couldn't make myself want to do it. So I started jumping rope. In the kitchen. Its been going pretty good. I can jump about 150 times now instead of 4. That's a big improvement. What I have learned: Keep trying even if you suck. You will get better.
22. Print pictures and do something with them - But what? I want to have them off of my devices so I don't lose them. But I don't want to store them or put them in albums that take up so much room. I am not scrap bookey or crafty. I have started making photo books from walgreens. Super easy to do on line. Really easy to store and the kids love looking at them. What I have learned: Some day all our devices will be gone by the wayside. I don't want my memories to be gone with them.
23. Make over at a make up store- Y'all I went to the Ulta store down the street from my house and I paid $60 for a make over so I could watch the lady's tricks and see what she did. Oww wee y'all she was grouchy because I wouldn't let her "clean up" my eye brows. I was born with these eye brows and I am keeping them. Kiss my grits. She just would not let it go. And she was cranky. I don't think she liked it when my friend Heather made me laugh and made lipstick zip up my face. But bonus I found out Ulta sells Babyfeet, my favorite foot exfoliator. Later my friend Christon did my make up at her Mary Kay party and it looked 10 times better and she didn't even yell at me for not cleaning up my eye brows. What I learned: These eye brows are nobody's business.
24. Family Photos - I have scheduled to have this done on February 17th. I want it to be fun and wacky like my family and I want to include Walter. What I have learned: You are lucky in life if your best friend is a photographer.
25. Weekend get away- I am learning to enjoy my own company. I am discovering that I don't like to be alone. I am other focused to the detriment of myself. So in April I am going somewhere not to far but not tooo close (Maybe Minneapolis?) By myself. For reflection and retreat. What I have learned: Don't be scared to walk alone. Don't be scared to like it. (Those are John Mayer's words. But they apply)
26. Write down all my food and money every day- This has become an important morning routine for me. I write down every day what I commit to eating that day and I eat only those things and nothing else. I write down my bank balance every day and what I commit to spend every day. I haven't been so good at sticking to the commitment to spend only this amount and nothing more. But as I said shit is expensive. What I have learned: Planning makes all the difference.
27. Read 50 books- I love to read other peoples stories. So I printed off a list of every book in the Rapid City Public Library that has the word memoir in the title. Then I picked 50 that I want to read. So far I have read 14 books. I have read some amazing stories of hope and resilience. I read about Cupcake Brown who used to be a crack addict and is now an attorney and motivational speaker. I read about David Crow who lived through incredible abuse and poverty and is a lobbyist. I read about a man in prison who met people with leprosy that taught him lessons he would never have learned on the outside. I love books. I also read some books I hated. What I learned: Sometimes its not your book. Its not for you. And you know it doesn't speak to you. Don't waste another minute reading the wrong book. Find your kind of books. Don't waste another minute on the wrong relationship, job, interest whatever it is that does not light you on fire. you don't have to feel guilty for saying you are not for me.
28. Pay off all debt except the house- This is a kin to my other goal of saving every month. I've been spinning my wheels and it feels like I am backwards on this. But, I have a plan. Check me in September and see if it works What I have learned: Not a damn thing so far.
29. Free Garage sale- Of course I have to wait until the weather is nice. But I have a box of stuff going and some ideas of other stuff. If you want to donate to the free garage sale to get rid of some crap and help others out who need crap let me know. What I have learned: We are over burdened by our attachment to things. Its ok to let stuff go. Even if you have had it for a long time. Let it gooo.
30. Facebook match up- The other day my sister Julie called me and she said she was in bizzareo world. The pasture of her church, who lives in Texas, was Facebook friends with one of her high school classmates ,who lives in Washington DC and they were talking to each other. I squealed "it worked! Facebook introductions worked! Two people I introduced became friends!" My friend Andrew still thinks I'm weird. He is not wrong. But it is really fun to pick two random people who don't know each other and think about what they have in common. I'm going to keep it up. Who knows you might be next. What I learned: I am a uniter. Not a divider.
31. Family day once a month- I am so tired of week ends being house work days. So once a month we are blowing this popsicle stand and doing something away. We have been as close as the library and as far away as Sioux Falls. Who knows what adventure awaits us when the weather allows. What I have learned: House work can wait. Get outside.
32. Increase my retirement- I have done it. Paper work complete. Money being saved. What I have learned: If I can use the senior discount at burger king I can save for retirement.
33. Date night with each kid- This is the best idea I have ever had. We have had a dance party, arcade night, bowling, indoor camp out is coming up, minute to win it games, make your own pizza, snowball fight, giant fort, home movie theater with tickets and concessions. They look forward to it and plan for it all week. What I have learned: You don't have to spend a lot of money to be creative and have fun.
34. Shoot a gun- My friend Christy is going to go with me to the shooting range. It looks like Tuesday is ladys night. I'm kind of scared. But I think it will be fun. What I have learned: It's ok to try new things.
35. No TV except on Saturday- I was doing so good. And then I started bing watching reruns of How I met Your Mother on Hulu. Dang it. When I went back to only watching on Saturday I noticed what a difference it made in my time management and my sleep. TV is a time sucker. Even if I tell myself I will only watch it at the end of the day it still steals time away from other things. And I stay up too late and fall asleep in front of the tv and wake up exhausted the next day. When I only watch on Saturday night I am more selective about what I watch and I enjoy it more. With todays tv on demand and streaming services your shows will be there for you later. There is no reason to be a slave to the tv. What I learned: Once again little habits make a big difference.
36. Celebrate international mud day- Find us in June covered in mud. More to come. What have I learned: Make your own fun.
37. Christmas in July- I have started to buy a few things at the dollar store every week to make it fun. Michael mentioned the other day how much fun it was a few years ago when we did it. Making memories. What I learned:
38. Lemonade project- This idea for a parent mentoring program has been on my heart for a long time. I have wanted to start a nonprofit organization. Sometimes you have to bloom where you are planted and practice and hone your skills. I have been reading and researching. Yesterday I sent my big boss an email saying that I would love to see our agency launch a specialized parent mentoring program. That it is my belief that addressing challenges in the home leads to better behavior outcomes in the classroom and that the keys to resilience and change are rooted in relationship and community. I told him that I would love to brain storm with him and I would welcome to opportunity to be involved. Who knows if that ever becomes a reality. But its worth a shot. What I have learned: Taking a risk is scary. But the only fail is a no try.
39. Redecorate the house- If you have ever seen my house you know I have a lot of pictures. I am just ready for a change. I took all the pictures down and boxed them up. Its like looking at a blank canvas. The word kitchy keeps coming to mind. What I have learned: Its ok to be different than you used to be.
40. Go to the primary care doctor- I did. Got my blood work and my referrals. All good. What I learned: I am worth taking care of.
41. Hire a maid- I got the job. i'm hired. Seriously I cant spend the money on a maid. I'm working on being better at it myself. I don't like it but I'm the only one who can take care of my house work problem. So I'm reading about house cleaning hacks and trying my best. And I am trying to teach my kids. The dish washer is broken and I don't mind letting it stay broken for now because washing dishes builds character. What I learned: The windows in my house pop out for easy cleaning. I learned this after I have lived here ten years.
42. Have Melissa paint Walter- My cousins daughter, Melissa lives in New Orleans and she is a fabulous artist. She paints pet portraits. originally I wanted her to paint a picture of Walter. Eventually I still want to do that. But my sister Julie has this great old dog named Sam. He is a hound dog near the end of his life. When I told Julie about Walter's picture she said she wished she could do something like that for Sam before he died. My sister is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. She always puts herself at the back of the line. Husband, kids, grand kids, family, friends always come first. She is the kind of lady that you can be sure is always hitting her knees praying for you and your family. Julie is one of a kind. I decided to ask Mellissa to paint Sam right now instead of Walter. I'm sending the money on Friday so let the painting begin. What I have learned: Nobody loves you like a sister.
43. Moving on and Getting over- That is the title of a John Mayer song But it is also something I have needed to do for a long time. If you know me you know. But its complicated. Matters of the heart often are. In the words of Forest Gump That's all I have to say about that. What I have learned: So many things that I could write an entire book just about this by itself.
44. Weekend trip with Sam- My friend Sam is the kind of person that takes a week to return a phone call but will drop everything and come when you need her. And when she does return that call she will listen to all your whining and complaining and never judge you for your stupid mistakes. She showed up when my son tried to kill himself and sat with me in the hospital. His own dad wasn't there but my faithful friend Sam was there. She is the best kind of friend. Our birthdays are in September so we are going away for the week end. Maybe Denver? Plans in the works. What I have learned: Pay attention to who is there for you when the chips are down and you are not your best self. Those are your people.
45. Fabulous Christmas- Did I over spend for Christmas? You bet your butt I did. Was everything perfect? No it was not. But it was still one of the best Christmases in recent memory. We had fun. Minutes before we were to leave for the Polar Express we had a major bathroom flood. I'm talking water poring thru the down stairs light fixture bad kind of flood. But we still made it to the Polar Express train and had an amazing time. Christmas Morning the little girl announces her head really, really itches and on the most joyous day of the year when all the stores are closed It was discovered that she had head lice. These things are unavoidable. But they did not steal out joy. What I learned Happy does not mean perfect.
46. Read My One Year Bible Every day- One day you might come to a place where you question everything you ever knew about God. I hope if this happens to you that you go back to square one. Start over at the beginning. Read that Bible all over again with fresh eyes. Ask God tough questions. I hope you read even if you think you are the worst sinner. Even if you don't get it all. I read at the kitchen table. Sometimes the kids ask me to read aloud and we talk about it. Sometimes I read alone in the quiet predawn hours. I don't have all the answers but I notice somethings I didn't notice before. and I find comfort in the words. What I have learned: Even the biggest heroes in the Faith are screw ups. They mess up all the time. All is not lost.
47. Take a walk once a week- No walks have been taken. It is January in South Dakota. But we have had nice days. Still no walks. I even thought about walking at the mall. No go. I don't know why I hate to walk. What I have learned: Sometimes you just aren't going to do it.
48. Random act of Kindness- Every week I cant think of one kind thing to do and every week an unexpected opportunity presents itself. Pay someone's water bill, give a homeless guy food. Go out of your way to give someone a ride. Answer anger with kindness. Chances are all around us to be kind. We just need to be aware. What I have learned: If you look for opportunities to be kind you will find them.
49. Take a picture everyday- Some days I do not feel like taking my picture at all. I feel gross or tired. I take the picture anyway. Some days I feel silly. Some days todays picture looks exactly like yesterdays picture and it reminds me how mundane and dull life can seem. But I take the picture every day. What I have learned: I spend most of my time in my chair at work, in the car, or laying down on the couch.
50. 50th birthday party- I plan to begin really planning the party at the half way point of 50x50. March 28th. You are all invited. I'll send you an invitation. Even you who lives so far away. You better start saving for your plane ticket because I want you here. Music, food, fun, games. Lets do it.
1. Ted talk- The theme of my future Ted Talk is “Change Your Mind” I am so curious about resilience and retraining of the brain, the role of failure in success, grit, and so much more. I want to talk about and explore how people get unstuck, so to speak. If you have stories about overcoming adversity or personal growth, light bulb moments in your life, people or experiences that opened the door to breakthrough and change in your life I’d love to hear them. I’m reading and researching and listening. What I have learned: change is possible. But it is rarely quick or easy.
2. Carl Jensen - You remember my idea to write letters to all of the people I could find and ask them to share something about themselves. I wanted to explore how people with the same name are alike and different. It’s not going so well. There is just no way to send a stranger a letter and convey that you are not weird but also ask them to tell you about themselves. My first Carl Jensen letter happened to be to a Carl Jensen who was already my Facebook friend. He promptly unfriended me. Me second letter went unanswered. I took a break after that because I couldn’t think of a different way to say the same thing in a nonstalkerish way. However, I was watching a tv documentary and I saw a private investigator on the show named Carl Jensen! I found my self alone at 11pm on my couch yelling “Carl Jensen! It’s Carl Jensen! What I have learned: Most people are not as open and trusting as I assumed they would be. Everyone is not like me.
3. Welcome bags - so far three people have generously donated to my welcome bag project. Since the holidays are over I’m going to put the request out there again with help to fill 50 bags before September 28 2020. This is so doable. Stay tuned for pictures and updates. What I have learned: Helping feels good.
4. Home Improvement- With the help of my friend Steven I have been able to tackle a few jobs. But there is so much to do around here. So I decided to hire a handy man. I have a list of things for him to do, I made an appointment with him to come over and get started. Sad face- he never showed up. Turns out he quit working for the handy man service and I was left high and dry. I’m not giving up though. Monday morning I’m going to call the service and get someone else. Time to make this place shine. What I have learned: It takes time to undo years of neglect. To our homes, bodies, relationships. Also i need a boyfriend who can build and fix things
5. Weight loss- oh y'all. keto was not working for me. I just could not sustain it for very long. I was on it and off it every few weeks with very little results. When I went to my agency’s annual lunch I saw my friend Rachel looking all skinny and cute and I told her I wasn’t sure we could still be friends. She told me of a new diet that she was on called Bright line eating. No sugar, not even fake sugar. No flour. Not even nut flour. Three meals a day. No snacks. And weigh you food. I bought the book. I got myself a pressure cooker and a digital scale. It’s been 17 days and I have lost 10 pounds. It has not been easy. I miss my coffee with more sugar and cream than coffee. But I feel SO much better. More energy. Sleeping better at night. I’m hungry at meal times. Food tastes better. I have 40 more pounds to go before I’m back to my ideal weight. I’ll keep you posted. What I have learned: You can start over from where you are. You can start over as many times as it takes. Fall down 7 times. Get up 8
6. Shave my head- No one is on board with this idea. People keep trying to walk me back. “Maybe try a short hair cut first. Don’t do anything drastic” But by cracky it’s my head and I’ll be drastic if I want. I was so inspired by an article I read about Ricki Lake buzzing her hair and how freeing it was for her. It may not be attractive. But it’s hair. It will grow back. May 30. I’m doing it. What I have learned: Coloring outside the lines makes people uncomfortable.
7. Beach vacation- My friend Lorrie S. Recently returned from a trip exactly like the one I want to take with the kids. She said it was amazing. I only have three more summers with my big boys. Less than that when you think of jobs and cars and girls and activities. I am willing to invest my tax return to make some wonderful memories relaxing and having fun. Can’t wait until June, What I have learned: The days go slowly but the years go fast. Drink it up.
8. Save money every month - I feel like I’m going in reverse on this goal. Zero dollars have been saved so far. I need more help. It’s not that I’ve been impulsively spending. But shit costs money. And I suck at money management. I have made some strides. I set up all of my bills to be auto drafted from my account. I’m eating out less (not at all since I changed my diet). I’m tracking my spending. But dang it I always end up behind the eight ball. Time to re-evaluate. What I have learned: If it’s not in your wheel house there is no shame in asking for help.
9. Cards and letters - My goal is to send a letter a week to friends and loved ones. I love sitting down every Sunday night and giving special thought to the person who’s name is in front of me. My 50 favorite people make my life rich and beautiful. I love them. And it is a pleasure to put my love for them on paper and launch it across time and distance. If you haven’t gotten yours yet your turn is coming or else I don’t have your address. So far I’m on track with 17 letters. What I have learned: The post office doesn’t like shiny envelopes. People need to hear what they mean to you. Even if you think they already know.
10. Teeth - Dadgum y’all. Why is dental care so expensive. Even with dental insurance these dental bills are cleaning my clock. Worth it though. I like these teeth and I want to keep them. So far I’ve had six appointments to address my dental health. One more appointment and this goal Will be complete. In the books. Done like dinner. Here is what I learned from the dentist. I’m a gagger. Also sometimes things you have been really afraid of turn out to be not nearly as scary as you thought.
11. Train Walter- Walter is becoming more manageable the older he gets. But he’s still so territorial. And he can appear to be very scary. Even though he’s a giant baby. I signed him up for naughty dog class three times and had to reschedule because of a blizzard. I’m waiting until the spring to reschedule. But we will get it done. What I’ve learned: I never thought I could love a dog so much. I’ve never been good with pets. I never liked it (still don’t) when people call their pets children. But I understand it now. Walter is family.
12. Friend party- Guest list is complete. Invites go out next month. It’s going to be so fun y’all. What I have learned: Friends are the family you choose. We are all busy. We all have lives. But we must take time to tend the garden of friendship.
13. Take vitamins everyday- I cannot even tell you what a difference this has made in my life. Since I’ve started taking vitamins to address my low iron and low vitamin d and a few others, my mood has stabilized. I feel good. What I have learned. Little habits everyday add up to big changes over time.
14. Fix Legs - I had my leg surgery done on two different days. The first day the woman I call purple nurse was in charge. She was amazing. She told me everything that would happen. She gave me heated blankets and held my hand through the painful parts. She checked on me. She took care when she bandaged my leg (in purple gauze). She checked on me in every way and took care of me. The second day purple nurse was gone and blue nurse was in charge. She seemed distant and distracted. She forgot the blankets. She never asked me how I was or talked to me about what would happen. During the painful parts she seemed unconcerned. She quickly wrapped my legs up (in blue gauze) in a haphazard manner. She never told me of my follow up appointment and rushed me out the door. I don't know what was going on in blue nurses life. It was the day before thanksgiving. Maybe she was distracted. Maybe this wasn't her regular assignment. All I know is that my purple leg healed faster and better than my blue leg. They both healed and both legs are doing great. But the blue one took a lot longer. What I learned: Be like the purple nurse. Give it all you've got. Strive for excellence in everything you do. Little details make a difference.
15. Blog - I want to blog every week. Tuesday is my day. I want to practice writing and get better at it. But I struggle with finding time. Next week I am going to try some video blogging. I'm messing around with my other blog. I'll get it right. The important thing right now is to get back into a routine. What I have learned: I'm not sure. Except that these blog posts are too long. No one has time to read them but I am writing for myself right now. I'll revise and refine later. It's ok.
16. Book - I intend to write a book. 50x50. Deep dives into the list and stories that from my experiences. Every day I have been writing down ideas and stories in what I call my red books. Notes thoughts, narrative about my life. What I have learned: There is a reason I never shut up. I have a lot to say.
17. Organize cabinets, drawers and closets. I have organized the kitchen, laundry room, my room and my closet and my bathroom. In a short amount of time all of the places that I have organized have become just as disorganized as they were before. The kitchen cabinets are the only thing that have stayed neat and organized. I find this frustrating. I live with little mess makers and I am also a mess maker. Our brains are not adapted to organization. We like it when we see it but we struggle to maintain it. What I have learned: Organization is not an event its a lifestyle. Also I have too much stuff.
18. Volksmarch- The fall Volksmarch for 2020 is in September near my birthday. I intend to be there. I have added stretches to my daily exercise routine. Exercise combined with weight loss and over all health should prepare me. I did it before. I can do it again. Go me. What I learned: Little habits yield big results ( I know that's a repeat but its true)
19. Buy a bike- I saw the bike I want to buy. I looked it up on line. I found the store that sells them. When nice weather arrives (that is really anybody's guess in South Dakota) I will have my bike. Funny story. I saw the bike chained up to the bike rack at the high school. Michael said the words I was thinking. Who rides a bike like that to school through the snow in the middle of winter in South Dakota to get to high school? A bad ass. That's who. What I have learned: You will find what you are looking for if you keep your eyes open.
20. One pin from pintrest posted on facebook everyday- When I started I thought about all of the pins I have posted on Pintrest and never looked at again or shared. I decide to pick one each day to share for a laugh or inspiration or instruction. Turns out most of my pins are not pinteresting to me anymore. So I have just been posting what I steal from other people. That works too. What I learned: People like to laugh.
21. Exercise 30 minutes everyday- This has been difficult. With the holidays and my leg surgery and me being lazy and everything. At first I was trying to run on my treadmill every night. But I just couldn't make myself want to do it. So I started jumping rope. In the kitchen. Its been going pretty good. I can jump about 150 times now instead of 4. That's a big improvement. What I have learned: Keep trying even if you suck. You will get better.
22. Print pictures and do something with them - But what? I want to have them off of my devices so I don't lose them. But I don't want to store them or put them in albums that take up so much room. I am not scrap bookey or crafty. I have started making photo books from walgreens. Super easy to do on line. Really easy to store and the kids love looking at them. What I have learned: Some day all our devices will be gone by the wayside. I don't want my memories to be gone with them.
23. Make over at a make up store- Y'all I went to the Ulta store down the street from my house and I paid $60 for a make over so I could watch the lady's tricks and see what she did. Oww wee y'all she was grouchy because I wouldn't let her "clean up" my eye brows. I was born with these eye brows and I am keeping them. Kiss my grits. She just would not let it go. And she was cranky. I don't think she liked it when my friend Heather made me laugh and made lipstick zip up my face. But bonus I found out Ulta sells Babyfeet, my favorite foot exfoliator. Later my friend Christon did my make up at her Mary Kay party and it looked 10 times better and she didn't even yell at me for not cleaning up my eye brows. What I learned: These eye brows are nobody's business.
24. Family Photos - I have scheduled to have this done on February 17th. I want it to be fun and wacky like my family and I want to include Walter. What I have learned: You are lucky in life if your best friend is a photographer.
25. Weekend get away- I am learning to enjoy my own company. I am discovering that I don't like to be alone. I am other focused to the detriment of myself. So in April I am going somewhere not to far but not tooo close (Maybe Minneapolis?) By myself. For reflection and retreat. What I have learned: Don't be scared to walk alone. Don't be scared to like it. (Those are John Mayer's words. But they apply)
26. Write down all my food and money every day- This has become an important morning routine for me. I write down every day what I commit to eating that day and I eat only those things and nothing else. I write down my bank balance every day and what I commit to spend every day. I haven't been so good at sticking to the commitment to spend only this amount and nothing more. But as I said shit is expensive. What I have learned: Planning makes all the difference.
27. Read 50 books- I love to read other peoples stories. So I printed off a list of every book in the Rapid City Public Library that has the word memoir in the title. Then I picked 50 that I want to read. So far I have read 14 books. I have read some amazing stories of hope and resilience. I read about Cupcake Brown who used to be a crack addict and is now an attorney and motivational speaker. I read about David Crow who lived through incredible abuse and poverty and is a lobbyist. I read about a man in prison who met people with leprosy that taught him lessons he would never have learned on the outside. I love books. I also read some books I hated. What I learned: Sometimes its not your book. Its not for you. And you know it doesn't speak to you. Don't waste another minute reading the wrong book. Find your kind of books. Don't waste another minute on the wrong relationship, job, interest whatever it is that does not light you on fire. you don't have to feel guilty for saying you are not for me.
28. Pay off all debt except the house- This is a kin to my other goal of saving every month. I've been spinning my wheels and it feels like I am backwards on this. But, I have a plan. Check me in September and see if it works What I have learned: Not a damn thing so far.
29. Free Garage sale- Of course I have to wait until the weather is nice. But I have a box of stuff going and some ideas of other stuff. If you want to donate to the free garage sale to get rid of some crap and help others out who need crap let me know. What I have learned: We are over burdened by our attachment to things. Its ok to let stuff go. Even if you have had it for a long time. Let it gooo.
30. Facebook match up- The other day my sister Julie called me and she said she was in bizzareo world. The pasture of her church, who lives in Texas, was Facebook friends with one of her high school classmates ,who lives in Washington DC and they were talking to each other. I squealed "it worked! Facebook introductions worked! Two people I introduced became friends!" My friend Andrew still thinks I'm weird. He is not wrong. But it is really fun to pick two random people who don't know each other and think about what they have in common. I'm going to keep it up. Who knows you might be next. What I learned: I am a uniter. Not a divider.
31. Family day once a month- I am so tired of week ends being house work days. So once a month we are blowing this popsicle stand and doing something away. We have been as close as the library and as far away as Sioux Falls. Who knows what adventure awaits us when the weather allows. What I have learned: House work can wait. Get outside.
32. Increase my retirement- I have done it. Paper work complete. Money being saved. What I have learned: If I can use the senior discount at burger king I can save for retirement.
33. Date night with each kid- This is the best idea I have ever had. We have had a dance party, arcade night, bowling, indoor camp out is coming up, minute to win it games, make your own pizza, snowball fight, giant fort, home movie theater with tickets and concessions. They look forward to it and plan for it all week. What I have learned: You don't have to spend a lot of money to be creative and have fun.
34. Shoot a gun- My friend Christy is going to go with me to the shooting range. It looks like Tuesday is ladys night. I'm kind of scared. But I think it will be fun. What I have learned: It's ok to try new things.
35. No TV except on Saturday- I was doing so good. And then I started bing watching reruns of How I met Your Mother on Hulu. Dang it. When I went back to only watching on Saturday I noticed what a difference it made in my time management and my sleep. TV is a time sucker. Even if I tell myself I will only watch it at the end of the day it still steals time away from other things. And I stay up too late and fall asleep in front of the tv and wake up exhausted the next day. When I only watch on Saturday night I am more selective about what I watch and I enjoy it more. With todays tv on demand and streaming services your shows will be there for you later. There is no reason to be a slave to the tv. What I learned: Once again little habits make a big difference.
36. Celebrate international mud day- Find us in June covered in mud. More to come. What have I learned: Make your own fun.
37. Christmas in July- I have started to buy a few things at the dollar store every week to make it fun. Michael mentioned the other day how much fun it was a few years ago when we did it. Making memories. What I learned:
38. Lemonade project- This idea for a parent mentoring program has been on my heart for a long time. I have wanted to start a nonprofit organization. Sometimes you have to bloom where you are planted and practice and hone your skills. I have been reading and researching. Yesterday I sent my big boss an email saying that I would love to see our agency launch a specialized parent mentoring program. That it is my belief that addressing challenges in the home leads to better behavior outcomes in the classroom and that the keys to resilience and change are rooted in relationship and community. I told him that I would love to brain storm with him and I would welcome to opportunity to be involved. Who knows if that ever becomes a reality. But its worth a shot. What I have learned: Taking a risk is scary. But the only fail is a no try.
39. Redecorate the house- If you have ever seen my house you know I have a lot of pictures. I am just ready for a change. I took all the pictures down and boxed them up. Its like looking at a blank canvas. The word kitchy keeps coming to mind. What I have learned: Its ok to be different than you used to be.
40. Go to the primary care doctor- I did. Got my blood work and my referrals. All good. What I learned: I am worth taking care of.
41. Hire a maid- I got the job. i'm hired. Seriously I cant spend the money on a maid. I'm working on being better at it myself. I don't like it but I'm the only one who can take care of my house work problem. So I'm reading about house cleaning hacks and trying my best. And I am trying to teach my kids. The dish washer is broken and I don't mind letting it stay broken for now because washing dishes builds character. What I learned: The windows in my house pop out for easy cleaning. I learned this after I have lived here ten years.
42. Have Melissa paint Walter- My cousins daughter, Melissa lives in New Orleans and she is a fabulous artist. She paints pet portraits. originally I wanted her to paint a picture of Walter. Eventually I still want to do that. But my sister Julie has this great old dog named Sam. He is a hound dog near the end of his life. When I told Julie about Walter's picture she said she wished she could do something like that for Sam before he died. My sister is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. She always puts herself at the back of the line. Husband, kids, grand kids, family, friends always come first. She is the kind of lady that you can be sure is always hitting her knees praying for you and your family. Julie is one of a kind. I decided to ask Mellissa to paint Sam right now instead of Walter. I'm sending the money on Friday so let the painting begin. What I have learned: Nobody loves you like a sister.
43. Moving on and Getting over- That is the title of a John Mayer song But it is also something I have needed to do for a long time. If you know me you know. But its complicated. Matters of the heart often are. In the words of Forest Gump That's all I have to say about that. What I have learned: So many things that I could write an entire book just about this by itself.
44. Weekend trip with Sam- My friend Sam is the kind of person that takes a week to return a phone call but will drop everything and come when you need her. And when she does return that call she will listen to all your whining and complaining and never judge you for your stupid mistakes. She showed up when my son tried to kill himself and sat with me in the hospital. His own dad wasn't there but my faithful friend Sam was there. She is the best kind of friend. Our birthdays are in September so we are going away for the week end. Maybe Denver? Plans in the works. What I have learned: Pay attention to who is there for you when the chips are down and you are not your best self. Those are your people.
45. Fabulous Christmas- Did I over spend for Christmas? You bet your butt I did. Was everything perfect? No it was not. But it was still one of the best Christmases in recent memory. We had fun. Minutes before we were to leave for the Polar Express we had a major bathroom flood. I'm talking water poring thru the down stairs light fixture bad kind of flood. But we still made it to the Polar Express train and had an amazing time. Christmas Morning the little girl announces her head really, really itches and on the most joyous day of the year when all the stores are closed It was discovered that she had head lice. These things are unavoidable. But they did not steal out joy. What I learned Happy does not mean perfect.
46. Read My One Year Bible Every day- One day you might come to a place where you question everything you ever knew about God. I hope if this happens to you that you go back to square one. Start over at the beginning. Read that Bible all over again with fresh eyes. Ask God tough questions. I hope you read even if you think you are the worst sinner. Even if you don't get it all. I read at the kitchen table. Sometimes the kids ask me to read aloud and we talk about it. Sometimes I read alone in the quiet predawn hours. I don't have all the answers but I notice somethings I didn't notice before. and I find comfort in the words. What I have learned: Even the biggest heroes in the Faith are screw ups. They mess up all the time. All is not lost.
47. Take a walk once a week- No walks have been taken. It is January in South Dakota. But we have had nice days. Still no walks. I even thought about walking at the mall. No go. I don't know why I hate to walk. What I have learned: Sometimes you just aren't going to do it.
48. Random act of Kindness- Every week I cant think of one kind thing to do and every week an unexpected opportunity presents itself. Pay someone's water bill, give a homeless guy food. Go out of your way to give someone a ride. Answer anger with kindness. Chances are all around us to be kind. We just need to be aware. What I have learned: If you look for opportunities to be kind you will find them.
49. Take a picture everyday- Some days I do not feel like taking my picture at all. I feel gross or tired. I take the picture anyway. Some days I feel silly. Some days todays picture looks exactly like yesterdays picture and it reminds me how mundane and dull life can seem. But I take the picture every day. What I have learned: I spend most of my time in my chair at work, in the car, or laying down on the couch.
50. 50th birthday party- I plan to begin really planning the party at the half way point of 50x50. March 28th. You are all invited. I'll send you an invitation. Even you who lives so far away. You better start saving for your plane ticket because I want you here. Music, food, fun, games. Lets do it.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Day 60 Why It Matters
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Michael and his frog blanket
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Thursday, November 21, 2019
Wrong things made right day 55
Listen here. I don't much like this blog anymore. If I'm honest it feels dull and lack luster. I'm loving Project 50. Just not writing about it. And I just couldn't pin point why. I was at church and the pastor kept talking abou the story of the gospel unfolding. He kept saying story. And Then I understood. I've been writing about it like its a list of things to be done. A progress report. I love lists. I find them very satisfying. But this is not a list. Its a story. My story. The every day details and grand ideas of my life. The narrative is what is missing. So let me start again. Let me tell you my story.
It started in the 8th grade. Miss Williams public speaking class at Dillingham Middle school. I hadn't meant to take the class and don't know for sure how I ended up there. But I remember the first time I connected with an audience. I was giving a speech about funny things that happen when I babysit. I hadn't thought people would respond so well. I never knew I was funny. But kids were literally falling out of there chairs laughing. A few days later someone I didn't know stopped me in the library and asked me if I was that speech girl who told funny stories. And I was off and running. Over the years I have had the chance to speak in public many times on a variety of topics. Some times I have absolutely flopped. Nobody was picking up what I was laying down. Maybe it was a topic I didn't know enough about. Or maybe something the audience was not interested in. These times keep me humble. We all need humility in our lives. Failure is a part of learning. I always start out thinking how did I get myself into this? I wish I had not said yes. But then I start to talk and it is magic. The connection that I make with people feeds my soul. The stories that people come up and tell me when I'm done. The people who encourage me and tell me how much they enjoyed listening to me. This is the spark that makes me love public speaking. There are a few things in this world that I know in my soul I was made to do. I hear it whispered to me in the twilight between waking and sleeping. Speak. Write. You were made to do this. So when I started watching TED talks I knew someday in some venue I would be doing this. Ideas worth sharing. I have ideas. I watched my heroes Dr. Nadine Burke Harris and Brene' Brown speak so passionately about things that stir my soul and I knew in my bones that I should pursue this idea. The problem was I could just never pin point the right topic. I have spoken about foster parenting, adverse childhood experiences, child development, resilience, home visiting and a variety of other topics. None of them were right for this. I applied to give a TEDX talk last year and was turned down because my topic was to broad. But I finally have an idea. An idea worth sharing. I am going to apply again this summer and I am going to apply for a national TED talk fellowship later next year. Maybe I don't get picked. But maybe I do. A guest speaker at our church once preached a sermon and pretty much the only thing I remember from the whole thing is that is dad always told him the only fail is a no try. So I'm going to keep trying until its right. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
We were finishing up dinner and Christopher brought up the question again. "When are you going to get a boyfriend?" This need for me to be paired up ran deep for him. It had been five years since his father and I had divorced. His dad had girlfriends. He had even been engaged. But here I sat uncoupled. So on the spot I playfully made up a name. Pulled it out of thin air. I was lying. He knew I was playing. Just lightening the mood. "I have a boyfriend!" I declared "His name is Carl Jensen." He paused and studied my face. "Nuh uh. you do not! Show me his profile on Facebook. It happened to be the profile of a dog puppet named Carl Jensen. He went to Cheese university in Ho Chi Minh and he worked for the post office. Perfect. We all busted out laughing. But I insisted that Carl Jensen was my boy friend. "No way! He is a puppet!" They insisted. Over the years Carl Jensen has become a house hold name. When I, briefly, got a real boy friend the kids couldn't wait to come at me with comments like "What about Carl? He's going to be so mad" and When it didn't work out. "At least you will always have Carl." One day we started talking about all the Carl Jensens in the world. How does your name influence who you turn out to be? How were they the same and different. Michael dared me to send friend requests to as many Carl Jensens as I could find on Face book. Challenge accepted. I friend requested so many people on Facebook named Carl Jensen that Facebook had to remind me only to send friend requests to people I know. Out of all of those Carls I got three new Facebook friends. And thus the Carl Jensen project was born. Wouldn't it be neat to send letters to as many people named Carl Jensen as I could find? I love writing letters and I love hearing peoples stories. So I got on the internet and looked on the white pages. There are a lot of people named Carl Jensen. So I decided only to focus on the ones spelled Carl Jensen. No Karl with a k. No Jenson with an o. I started with ten addresses. Then I waited because there is no way to say hi I'm a stranger but I'm not crazy. I am just curious about you and what your life is like. I promise I'm not a stalker. Finally I just did it. I wrote my first clumsy awkward letter to a Carl in RuthHaven, Iowa. I stamped it and threw it in the mail. That same day I noticed that the Carl whose name I picked from literally hundreds of Carl Jensens was one of my three Face book friends named Carl Jensen. What are the odds. And Carl, if you are reading this now I am really not a crazy stalker lady. I'm just curious and interested in people and how they are different and alike and what their story is. Next week I will write another Carl letter and we will see what becomes of this project.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
50 Days and 50 things
Hi Y'all. I'm a little behind this week. And frankly I'm not in the mood to be funny or inspiring. So here is a list of 50 questions and some pictures for the week. More to come on Tuesday.
1. Do you prefer to write in blue or black pen? I prefer to write in pencil. I like to erase my mistakes.
2. Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? The city for sure. But not the big city. The middle sized city.
3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? learn to drive a bus. People always need bus drivers.
4. Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar? Do you know me but at all? Sweet sugary goodness. Of course I do.
5. What was your favorite book as a child? The Bunny Twins or Nurse Nancy. My Aunt had these tiny Golden books that I was fascinated with. I think one of them had a duck smoking a cigarette. They were the most interesting little books.
6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I take showers to get clean and baths to relax.
7. If you could be a mythical creature which would you choose? For sure something Narnian.
8. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books? Paper for sure. Nothing can replace the sensory experience of reading a book.
9. What is your favorite item of clothing? My John Mayer Where the Light is t-shirt. Its really soft. It fits just right and it has John Mayer on it.
10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? I often tell my children that my actual real name is Henrietta Pickles. I really do like my first name. For reasons you can imagine I am not fond of my last name. But its the name I share with my children. So I'll keep it. Unless someone gives me another one.
11. Who is a mentor to you? I have had so many wonderful mentors. The one that comes to mind is my old boss Karen Long. She encouraged me to go back to school and taught me so much about the way children learn and grow. She used to tell me that I was the little engine that could.
12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so what for? I would like to be famous. But not famous famous. Like famous in certain circles. But not so famous that I couldn't go to the store without being mobbed. I would like to be famous for writing a book or giving a Ted talk.
13. Are you a restless sleeper? Because of my sleep apnea I never sleep deeply. I am always having some crazy ass dream. So I would say I'm a restless sleeper.
14. Do you consider yourself a romantic? No. I'm not very romantic. I'm thoughtful. But not romantic.
15. Which element best represents you? It would be tin. Because it has an atomic number of 50. Also because the tin man needed a heart. Hearts are my favorite shape.
16. Who do you want to be closer to? I wish I was physically closer to my family. They all just need to move here.
17. Do you miss someone at the moment? My friend Ernie passed away 20 years ago this Christmas. His birthday is coming up this week. I really miss him. Especially this time of year.
18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. Once when my sister were taking a bath a baby mouse came up the drain.
19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? An armadillo.
20. What can you see outside your bedroom window? My front porch.
21. What are you most thankful for? Without a doubt my children. They have caused me to learn things about myself. They know me better than anyone else. They are the light of my life.
22. Do you like spicy food? No. Heartburn. Besides. yuck.
23. Have you ever met someone famous? One time I saw Howie Mandel on the street in LA. Besides that no.
24. Do you keep a diary or a journal? I have a diary that I only write in on New years eve. I started it when I was 19. Once a year I make predictions, record world events, life updates. include pictures. Its pretty interesting.
25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? I already said pencil. This year for Christmas I'm getting myself a food processor, a 360 mop and an electric pencil sharpener.
26. What is your star sign? I don't do that.
27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Who likes soggy cereal. Gross. Crunchy.
28. What would you want your legacy to be? Extravagant love. Love that doesn't even make sense. that is the way God loves me. So big. I don't ever have to earn it. It goes beyond logic.
29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read? I love to read. I didn't learn to read until I was 9. I have a learning disability. Learning to read was tough. I remember sitting in a reading circle in first grade crying because I put so much effort into trying to read and I still couldn't do it. I never take reading for granted. I am in the middle of a book now called "Bad with Money"
30. How do you show someone you love them? I tell them right out. other than that I give them a note or a card or buy them a gift.
31. Do you like ice in your drinks? I am an ice cruncher. I chew my ice up. My ex husband used to yell at me that I was going to break all my teeth if I didn't stop. But I haven't broken a tooth yet.
32. What are you afraid of? Mice and rats. So afraid. Phobic.
33. What is your favorite scent? Lavender. New baby smell. New car smell. Sun screen.
34. Do you address older people by their first name or their last name. Depends. How older are they and what is the relationship? How were they introduced to me? I'm from the south. So maybe Miss so and so or mister so and so. Play it by ear.
35. If money was not a factor how would you live your life? Near all the people I love. I would have a compound for sure. My table would be long.
36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? In the pool please. The ocean is grand. I love a beach vaca. I'll stick my feet in but I don't want to swim.
37. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? Look around to see who might have lost it. If no one then pay a bill or put gas in my car or take my family out to dinner.
38. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish. I did and I did. I suppose you want to know what I wished. It was a matter of the heart.
39. What is one thing you would always want to teach your children? Don't run from the cops. They will catch you. They have more resources than you.
40. If you had to have a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it. I have two tattoos and I am never getting anymore. The first one means so much to me. Courage Dear Heart is my life motto. Its on my wrist. The second one is a small shark on my rib cage. I hate it. It was a mistake. I am glad other people cant see it.
41. What can you hear right now? My teen aged sons laughing from the other room while they are watching tv. It is music to my ears.
42. Where do you feel the safest? Here at home with my dog. He will eat you if you try to bother me. Not really. He's a big baby. But he barks a good game.
43. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Codependency. The habit of taking care of other peoples needs to the detriment of my own needs. Always being the fixer.
44. If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose? You know I'm going back to March 1932 so I can see who stole the Lindbergh baby.
45. What is your most used emoji? I think it's the laughing face with the tears streaming out.
46. What is your favorite season and why? I like summer. I am a hot weather girl. I like it hot. Flip flops and sunscreen. Sweet iced tea. Air conditioning. Summer all the way.
47. How would you spend your ideal day? Taking a nap. Eating really good food. Sleeping. Any of those things would brighten up my day. Ha, ha I said sleeping twice.
48. Describe yourself using one word. Weird
49. What do you regret the most? Wasting five years of my life on someone who could never love me.
50. Invent your own word. What does it mean? fliggityfloo. A whimsical word that describes a carefree feeling.
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Movie theater date night
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Bowling alley date night
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Holy cups batman
Organizing the kitchen
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Dentist
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| Helping out with Black Hills Foster Parent Association and welcome bags |
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| Library day |
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
40 Days of Weird
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| Don't be a hater. Christmas is fun |
I don't mind telling you that I go to therapy once a month. I don't think that should be any more surprising than telling you that I go to the doctor when I have a sore throat. I am single mom of 5 kids with varying degrees of need and I have a trauma history of my own that leads me to a high ACE score and a propensity to fall in love with alcoholics. Of course I need caring competent adult to bounce things off of. Help me expose the stigma of getting treatment for mental illness for what it is. I remember many years ago sitting in a foster parent meeting. One of the CPS workers was explaining that she had just discovered that one of the foster parents she worked with was in therapy. Gasp! She stated that if any of us were attending counseling or receiving mental health services the department would need to know about it. I understand that if a foster parent had a serious mental illness the department would need to know. Just as if they would need to know if you had a serious physical illness and you were caring for vulnerable children. But I wonder why it is necessary to shame people for reaching out. I long for the day when people feel as comfortable saying I have a counseling appointment today as they do saying I have a dentist appointment today. Mental illness is not like fight club. We can talk about it. So I have a wonderful therapist. She listens to my hair brained ideas and usually is on board with my crazy schemes. She hardly ever says I told you so. We can spend the whole hour talking about how something is a really bad idea and I shouldn't do it. And at the end of the hour she doesn't even act surprised when I say I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. But seriously y'all. Her insight and listening ear have been invaluable. And, truth be told, she usually lets me talk until I come to my own conclusion about what is healthy or right or helpful for my life. So imagine my surprise when she seemed unimpressed when I explained my project 50 idea. As I talked she slowly started typing on her lap top. She does that when I say something weird or noteworthy. She peered at me over her computer and asked me if I was doing this as a way to stay busy so I don't have to deal with that other thing we were talking about. Wait. What? Was she really not getting this. She is usually so tuned into my ideas. This is not a time filler idea. I have plenty of crap to keep me busy for decades. I'm trying to get my shit together here. Why was she not as excited about this as I was. Then it dawned on me that not everybody is going to get it. To some people this might seem like a strange idea. Then it also occurred to me that I really don't care. Because the more I talk about my ideas and put my goals in front of my face the more achievable they become. Because my kids are watching. They see my list up on the wall. They see me get out my notebook every night and check off the things that I have accomplished. They are invested in helping me plan family date nights and being a part of helping make welcome bags for kids. They are sitting at the table with me when I write letters to friends and loved ones and they are writing their own letters right along with me. My teenagers are helping me make the monthly budget and seeing where our money is going. They are watching me when I fail. They are seeing me say "well that didn't work. let me try again" They are in this. And a lot of my friends and family do get it. I have cheerleaders that I never expected. I am only 40 days into this project and I am having fun. My 15 year old and I found an app for my phone that shows what I would look like bald. We were sitting on my bed downloading pictures and laughing until we were gasping for air. And its inspiring. Last week we went thru the drive thru at McDonalds and I got one too many fries. We saw a homeless guy sitting on the curb with a sign. I thought here was a chance to do a random act of kindness. I tell you this not to toot my own horn. Usually when we see a homeless person my kids ask me to give them money and I explain that the best way we can help homeless people is to give to organizations that help homeless people like the Hope Center or the Cornerstone Mission. I always explain that even if we can not give money we can always give respect by looking people in the eye and not turning away. We can always say good morning or hello because often homeless people feel over looked or invisible. But this day I said "Michael. Hop out and give this guy these fries" My 14 year old ran over to the guy and handed him the food. As we pulled away my son said "Look at that mom. He's digging in!" From the back seat my 8 year old yelled "We helped a guy!" My 15 year old asked "What if he is not even homeless. What if he is a faker?" I explained that it's not even our job to decide. We just gave a hungry guy some fries and that all we need to worry about. I don't think they will forget it. I may be odd. That's ok. But stay tuned. This journey has just begun. Wait until you see my bald head riding down the street on my new bike with my make up on point and my well trained dog running along side of me on the way to some fun family outing with my crazy kids. I do it my way y'all. I'm getting my shit together.
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| The gang |
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| At the doctor for my leg appointment |
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| Family trip to Sioux Falls |
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| Carving our Scary Steve Pumpkins |
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