Day 937 : Just Keep Swimming

Here I am y'all. I know y'all been wondering where I am. I am here. First let me answer the burning questions. Yes I am still fat. Okay I am a little less fat. I have been working really hard to eat healthy food and plan my meals. Sometimes I do such a good job at it I think I should take my show on the road and shout it to the world. Hey world! I can cook healthy good tasting food and I am losing weight every week! Yipee y'all! Then other times like today I drag my tired butt to the fridge and just eat. I eat stuff that is not so good and I don't feel like shouting to the world any more. I have lost about 30 pounds in all and it feels really good that my pants are too big and my face is a little thinner. The difference now is when I mess up I seem to be able to recover faster and I have hope that I won't always be this way, that I am a work in progress, that if I keep at it I can make it a life style and not a passing trend. So y'all I am just going to keep trying. I fall down seven times, I get up eight times. Or something like that that I read on someones face book page. I know the other question that y'all are wanting to know. You do too. You want to know how the Wart is. Well first off I have decided not to call him a wart any more. Forgiveness has taken root in me y'all. Not lip service forgiveness y'all. Real deep down the past is gone and I don't hold it against you any more forgiveness. So I have decided not to name my cat after him and not to call him names and to extend kindness to him when ever possible. And y'all it has set me free from a prison of hate. It is a good feeling. And then something happened. His relationship ended with his girl friend. All of the sudden he is in a vulnerable place. He is saying he is sorry for things that happened in our divorce. He is emotional and lost. When I was all bound up in hate I would have been doing a happy dance and been so happy that karma finally bit him in the back side. But now I don't feel gleeful at all. I feel sad for him. Don't mistake me. We will never be together again. I have not taken leave of my senses. But y'all that feeling of "ha, ha, ha you get what you deserve and you can go to hell with gasoline underwear" is just gone. And I am glad ya'll. It frees me up to do other stuff with my life. Y'all if you have unforgiveness in your heart for someone it is time to let it go. Just drop it and leave it where it lands. You will feel so much better. I promise.

Day 792: Boys Day In

Hi y'all! Look at here. I have not blogged at all in 2012. I missed y'all. A lot of good stuff has been going on y'all. I will tell you all about it later. Right now I want to brag on my youngsters. Y'all some times being a single mom is hard. Sharing my kids with somebody I don't like is even harder. I have to do all the heavy lifting like correcting them when they disobey, taking off work when they are sick, making them do their home work and clean their room. And y'all he gets to have them for the whole summer. That dumb old judge said so. Not only that they are going to Canada. And every time he calls that Wart tells them of some new thing he is going to buy them. A new bike, a trampoline, new DS, ipods, a dvd player the list keeps getting longer and longer. All the while I have to beg him to pay his lousy $200 a month in child support. And he lives in Canada so they are unable to take it from his check. So y'all I have been wanting to take my kids on a super sized vacation before they go. We had plans to go to Lego Land and Sea World and the San Diego zoo and the beach. But I am STILL waiting for the money from my divorce settlement. The money did not come in time  and our plans fell through. Oh well I tell my self. We can go when they get home. Meanwhile  I am sure it will be here in time for us to take a staycation here in the Black Hills and have some fun. Did not happen. So now it is  a  week before they go and all the bills are paid and we have food to eat and gas in the car but until that money comes I don't have two nickels to rub together. And I am feeling a little down in the mouth because I can not compete with Disney Dad. I woke up in a rotten mood. Yesterday I dragged everything out of my room and my closet, determined to organized and sort through all of the junk getting in my way. So my living room is full of blankets, fishing poles, picture frames and all kinds of other junk. I was so cranky trying to keep the boys and babies from making an even bigger mess by messing with all of the stuff that they found interesting and to top all that off I was so busy organizing and sorting I neglected the rest of the house work and the kitchen was a wreck and the cat box smelled. Things were not going well.  We went to church this morning, Pentecost Sunday. What a blessing it was to my tender soul to sit with my boys and sing and worship with them. It was also communion Sunday. The boys and I have been talking about communion and what it means and why we do it and practicing it at home. Last week we took communion with popcorn and grape juice. Y'all I kept tearing up because I am a cry baby and I can't help it. We went home and had lunch and a rest time. My room and closet were totally clean and empty so naturally that is where every one congregated. Everyone on my bed watching a movie and all of the sudden a massive tickle/pillow fight erupted. Babies, big boys, mom all rolling around and laughing and sweating. Y'all it was the most fun I have had in a month of Sundays. We were covert. Hiding under blankets, peaking around corners, screaming and daring each other to cross the "chicken line" (thank you pastor Brent for that). After our fight we had dinner. For some reason as we ate our potato soup and homemade hummus Christopher started singing "I like big butts and I can not lie" I have no idea where he learned this song so I started a game and changed the words. I like big books and I can not lie, I like big boots and I can not lie, I like big buttons and I can not lie. Soon every one was cracking up and  falling out of chairs and just having the best time. After dinner the boys begged and begged for more tickle fights. Y'all vacations are fun and I sure would love to buy my kids everything in creation to put a smile on their faces. But that is not where it is at y'all. Today. That was the good stuff. Sure I have the tough job. And it does not seem fair that he gets to have them during the easy times when there is no school or home work. But y'all I am the lucky one. No vacation in the world or expensive toy  could ever mean more than days like today. I love those boys and it is going to be a hard summer with out them. But y'all I am not down in the mouth anymore. I don't have to compete. I got all the stuff that money can't buy.

Day 632: Chewing The Fat

Well y'all I can not go to sleep yet. I have to wait for a car seat cover to finish washing so I can put it in the dryer. That boy was sick this week end and y'all don't want to know what ugly things went on in that car seat. The wind is howling outside and I could be using this time to clean my house but I just thought I would chew the fat a little bit. I was thinking that most of the people who follow my blog are my mom. But there may be a few of you out there who say hmm... I sure would like to know a bit more about this blogger. So let me clear a few things up and maybe tell a little about myself. First off you may wonder why I blog in this southern vernacular. I don't talk like this in every day life y'all. But it is my mother tongue. I was at Mt. Rushmore y'all. I heard some one saying "well we gonna head on back over at the hotel. What y'all want for lunch. It don't bother me none what we have" Y'all I swung my head around to get a good look because these folks were speaking my language. I am from Texas and although not every one in the great state of Texas uses bad grammar and talks like a hick some do. Add to that my father's people are from the deep south, well lets just say you got your self some back woods talking going on. And I like it. I don't use it in everyday conversation. Mercy no. But it feels comfortable to write like this. It is not just about the grammar or the dialect either. People from the south have special words for certain things and sayings that make me feel at home. My Mamaw always called hair spray hair net. She never said she was happy to see me she was always proud to see me. My uncle often yells out howdeey when he sees a loved one and instructs them to hug his neck. When asked to do something he would rather not my Dad always replied "Let's not and say we did" I love the southern dialect because it is comfort and hospitality and has such variety. It feels like home.
What else do y'all want to know about me? How about one of my pet peeves. If you go to the store and you only have one child and you use a cart with seats for two small children you will be on my last nerve. I need that cart y'all. I have two small children! You are messing up my shopping trip. Stop stealing carts you don't need. You don't either need the extra seat for you PURSE! I need it for a kid. Think people. Think. Oh sorry. I got a little carried away.
What was that? What kinds of stuff do I like? Well if y'all think I am going to say puppys and kittys and rainbow and lotions that smell good you are wrong. I like comfortable clothes. I like the way my baby's hair feels so velvety soft. I like talking on the phone with my sister for a long time. I like seeing my ex husband squirm. I like food. I like thinking I could win the publishers clearing house and thinking of all the fun things I would do with my winnings. I like the taste of grape juice because it reminds me of communion and the smell of vinegar because it reminds me of easter. I like a million other things like the way that Randy Stonehill says well, well and calls people baby in many of his songs and how if you watch Robin Williams movies he often call people cheif. I like lots of sugar in my coffee and I like the lady that gives me my coffee at McDonalds every morning. She is nice.
Well y'all it is time to put that car seat cover in the dryer. Y'all have a good night now.

Day: 632 Shiny Threads

A few months back I had a birthday. My sweet friend came to my office and put silver metallic streamers all over my office. They were everywhere y'all. After a while I got sick of them. By a while I mean after a half of an hour. They got everywhere y'all. I have trouble throwing away things that I might use later so naturally I put them in my car so I could take them home. They sat in a walmart bag in my front seat and eventually got moved to the back seat floor. Well y'all my kids started stepping on them and meddling with them and got a hole in the bag and before you know it those durn things were everywhere. Every time the door opened some flew out or they stuck to our feet and clothes and traveled with us where ever we went. I got fed up with that and scooped them up and threw them away. Then I started to notice something y'all. When I went to drop the kids at day care I looked down and there was a streamer or two stuck on the fence. At school when I dropped the boys off there was one stuck in the automatic door. I found on on the ground at the bank y'all. In the gutter by my neighbors house, at little ceasers pizza. I am not kidding y'all. Everywhere I travel frequently I keep seeing these little silver streamers. Then I thought of something. We leave little streamers where ever we go in life. Only life streamers are not visible. We leave them by the words that we speak and the things that we do. Just a little remnant to say we were here and we left something. We don't even mean to or sometimes know that we have done it. But they stick to us and we deposit them to the people and places we frequent often. I know it is not profound but next time I see a silver streamer I will be reminded that I am leaving my mark on this world weather I want to or not. So let my mark add beauty and let my mark point to the truth. Let my mark, be it ever so humble, be a blessing to someone else. Just a little something to chew on y'all.

Day 627: Full Speed Ahead

Y'all know I am so happy right now. Things are finally going well. Things are good with work, finances, kids, home. Things are just good. But there is something that has just been bugging me. Y'all I know you just been waiting for me to spill the beans about the wart and all the trouble he caused me and his deep dark secrets. I been wanting to do that to y'all. And I have told some of y'all in private all about it. I've been thinking when this divorce is over I am going to tell every rotten thing about him. and believe me y'all it's a jaw dropper. But, I can't. I have been trying. I keep writing blogs and face book updates only to take them down because it does not feel right. I know that would not honor God. I hear it in my spirit. I want to argue that it is not fair because he has been meaner than a snake and he deserves for everybody to know all about his nasty self. But there is that uneasiness that tells me no. Don't do it. I was not understanding but willing to obey. Then I went to church on Sunday and y'all know the preacher was preaching on putting your hand to the plow and not looking back. Y'all I know that is what is required right now. I got stuff to do in front of me. I can't be looking back and trying to punish him or live in regret because things did not turn out how I planned. Come what may I got a life to lead and the future is in front, not behind. Maybe some day God will give me the go ahead to tell my story. When it can helps someone, when it is a blessing and not a curse. It is a story to tell but it will have to wait because I am going y'all. Come on now.

Day 621: Momma Bird

Y'all. I am fixin to become a momma for the third time. It is going to happen real soon y'all. That precious baby is going to be mine. We are just waiting for a court date. I know some a y'all said I was crazy when i said I was taking another foster kid last year. Y'all were all like "she has got enough on her plate. What is she thinking" Right from the get go I felt the green light from God. I had no idea that he would stay, but I knew what ever happened it would be okay. And I am over the moon y'all. Join me in giving thanks to the God of the universe for this amazing baby. *Happy Dance* So here I am a single mom with four young boys. All with some type of special need or another. How in the world did I get here. One time my Grand mommy sent me a card that said life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. It's true y'all. I have a special journal that I keep. I only write in it on new years eve. I started when I was 19years old. When I look back over the course of my life one year at a time I am amazed at the things that I prayed and hoped for that came to fruition and so thankful for the things that I wanted that I never got. Life is beautiful and messy and scary and breath taking. Let's go y'all

Day 430: Up In Smoke

Y'all I have been thinking about my younger years and it is true what they say. Youth is wasted on it's own. I was so dumb y'all. I know this may come as a shock but there was a day when I did not always have it together like I do now. Stop laughing. I mean it. No really. In fact my early adulthood could be characterized as a series of missteps, misadventures, and malfunctions (big words I know but stick with me) that seem quit humorous in hindsight, although at the time they were anything but. Make that butt,as in cigarette butt because many of my mishaps seem to center around my smoking habit. Now y'all smoking is not funny at all. If you do it quit it. You know you should. I started smoking on a dare y'all. When I was 23 years old. Who starts smoking at 23? My friend told me I was a prude and that I would not last one week smoking. I showed him I smoked for seven years. My step father always accused me of "hot boxing it". I don't know what that means but I do know that I caught my hair on fire a number of times trying to light up on my ELECTRIC stove. I had talent y'all. I can tell you this it sure made it easier to meet folks when riding the bus. Why I had to be taking the bus is a whole nother blog. One day at the bus stop I was wearing my Mickey Mouse tee shirt a pair of black stretch pants (not sweat pants Donna!) and my red cowboy boots. That's right. That was how I rolled back then. A fella came up to me and asked if I wanted to go on a date with him. Well having been on only one date with a drunk guy at the bowling alley I thought this might be my opportunity to break into the dating scene. With out ever making eye contact or getting a good look at the guy I said yes and arranged to meet at his stop in two days. That is right y'all I had no sense. I arranged to take a day off of work y'all just to meet this fella at his stop. The night before the big date I went over to my friend Donna's house and the boy paged me on my new and hip pager because I did not have a phone. Well y'all I called him back and right away my friend Donna (who had sense) caught on that this might not be a very nice person just from the questions he was asking me. I was a bit naive and stupid and just kept talking. Donna was cooking and burned the bread trying to get me to hang up the phone. Smoke pouring out of the oven and Donna saying "just give me that phone!" She was giving me ax signs and the finger across the throat thing and making all kinds of gestures, but no way was I going to miss my chance to start dating people. The next day I rode to his stop as planned. Well when I got there I saw him. Never having really looked at him I had created the image of this handsome ripped guy with sparkly eyes and a beautiful smile. Instead I saw a fella with a beer gut and dull eyes looking very disheveled (unlike me in my other Mickey Mouse shirt and boots). I started to think I should just stay on the bus and "miss" my stop. I hunkered down a bit and waited for the bus to pull away. No such luck. He got on the bus y'all and said "Well are you gonna get off or what?" Now I could not hurt his feelings y'all so I got off the bus. Right away he tells me that we have to ride the bus to the pawn shop before we can start our date. THE PAWN SHOP. Y'all I shoulda turned tale and run right then. When we arrive at his apartment we meet his roommate sweeping water out of his living room in bucket fulls. We slosh in through the water while his room mate explains that he put laundry soap in the dish washer because they were out of regular soap and the dishwasher has over flowed. I ponder this for a while while my date feeds his dog potato chips and then it occurs to me that this is much to much water to be coming from the dish washer. While my date is yelling his dog for eating his last chip I spy where the water is actually coming from and open the door to the hot water heater. "Hey man" I say because I really forgot his name. "Your hot water heater is leaking" Well, he leaned over to get a better look and y'all, I don't even make this up, his butt crack was hanging out of his pants and he had butt acne! Oh y'all if I had a lick of sense I would have just run screaming back to the bus stop and never looked back. So then we headed out to the pawn shop and the guy wants to hold my hand and put his arm around me. So I let him. The bus driver, who had actually witness our meeting two days before, looked at me with disdain and said "didn't you just meet him the other day? Why is he got his arm around you so tight?" Well y'all then he tried to kiss me. This is when my nu-uh kicked in. No way was I going to kiss Mr. butt acne. I turned my head away and said no thank you. Y'all he PINCHED me on the leg. Oh no he did not *takes off earrings*. He did not just pinch me *hold my purse* someone is fixin' to get a beatin'. That is what I thought in my head but really what I said "was this date is taking a long time and I really need to get home." I got off at the next stop and went home y'all. So you can see my big break into the dating scene did not happen as planned. Y'all I got a page from him a few days later. Being me I quick put on my flip flops and high tailed it to the 7-11 to call him back. I told him it was not going to work out between us. He said "don't you know what love is?" I said "Yes and this is not it" He said have a nice life and hung up on me. So I did y'all.