Behind the Scenes

Hi y’all. These past few months have been a whirlwind. I haven’t been doing much blogging. But I’ve been busy behind the scenes kicking butt and taking names. Since I’m nearly 4 months in I thought I’d give you an update on how things are going. And next I’ll include a few pictures. I’ve started a new blog called jubilee. But I haven’t quit figured out what I want to do with it yet. The main thing for me right now is to get back into the habit of writing. And maybe do some video blogs in the future. I have a friend who started calling my list 50x50 and I love that. Here goes y’all.

1. Ted talk- The theme of my future Ted Talk is “Change Your Mind” I am so curious about resilience and retraining of the brain, the role of failure in success, grit, and so much more. I want to talk about and explore how people get unstuck, so to speak. If you have stories about overcoming adversity or personal growth, light bulb moments in your life, people or experiences that opened the door to breakthrough and change in your life I’d love to hear them. I’m reading and researching and listening. What I have learned: change is possible. But it is rarely quick or easy.

2. Carl Jensen - You remember my idea to write letters to all of the people I could find and ask them to share something about themselves. I wanted to explore how people with the same name are alike and different. It’s not going so well. There is just no way to send a stranger a letter and convey that you are not weird but also ask them to tell you about themselves. My first Carl Jensen letter happened to be to a Carl Jensen who was already my Facebook friend. He promptly unfriended me. Me second letter went unanswered. I took a break after that because I couldn’t think of a different way to say the same thing in a nonstalkerish way. However, I was watching a tv documentary and I saw a private investigator on the show named Carl Jensen! I found my self alone at 11pm on my couch yelling “Carl Jensen! It’s Carl Jensen! What I have learned: Most people are not as open and trusting as I assumed they would be. Everyone is not like me.

3. Welcome bags - so far three people have generously donated to my welcome bag project. Since the holidays are over I’m going to put the request out there again with help to fill 50 bags before September 28 2020. This is so doable. Stay tuned for pictures and updates. What I have learned: Helping feels good.

4. Home Improvement-  With the help of my friend Steven I have been able to tackle a few jobs. But there is so much to do around here. So I decided to hire a handy man. I have a list of things for him to do, I made an appointment with him to come over and get started. Sad face- he never showed up. Turns out he quit working for the handy man service and I was left high and dry. I’m not giving up though. Monday morning I’m going to call the service and get someone else. Time to make this place shine. What I have learned: It takes time to undo years of neglect. To our homes, bodies, relationships. Also i need a boyfriend who can build and fix things

5. Weight loss- oh y'all. keto was not working for me. I just could not sustain it for very long. I was on it and off it every few weeks with very little results. When I went to my agency’s annual lunch I saw my friend Rachel looking all skinny and cute and I told her I wasn’t sure we could still be friends. She told me of a new diet that she was on called Bright line eating. No sugar, not even fake sugar. No flour. Not even nut flour. Three meals a day. No snacks. And weigh you food. I bought the book. I got myself a pressure cooker and a digital scale. It’s been 17 days and I have lost 10 pounds. It has not been easy. I miss my coffee with more sugar and cream than coffee. But I feel SO much better. More energy. Sleeping better at night. I’m hungry at meal times. Food tastes better. I have 40 more pounds to go before I’m back to my ideal weight. I’ll keep you posted. What I have learned: You can start over from where you are. You can start over as many times as it takes. Fall down 7 times. Get up 8

6. Shave my head- No one is on board with this idea. People keep trying to walk me back. “Maybe try a short hair cut first. Don’t do anything drastic” But by cracky it’s my head and I’ll be drastic if I want. I was so inspired by an article I read about Ricki Lake buzzing her hair and how freeing it was for her. It may not be attractive. But it’s hair. It will grow back. May 30. I’m doing it. What I have learned: Coloring outside the lines makes people uncomfortable.

7. Beach vacation- My friend Lorrie S. Recently returned from a trip exactly like the one I want to take with the kids. She said it was amazing. I only have three more summers with my big boys. Less than that when you think of jobs and cars and girls and activities. I am willing to invest my tax return to make some wonderful memories relaxing and having fun. Can’t wait until June, What I have learned: The days go slowly but the years go fast. Drink it up.

8. Save money every month - I feel like I’m going in reverse on this goal. Zero dollars have been saved so far. I need more help. It’s not that I’ve been impulsively spending. But shit costs money. And I suck at money management. I have made some strides. I set up all of my bills to be auto drafted from my account. I’m eating out less (not at all since I changed my diet). I’m tracking my spending. But dang it I always end up behind the eight ball. Time to re-evaluate. What I have learned:  If it’s not in your wheel house there is no shame in asking for help.

9. Cards and letters - My goal is to send a letter a week to friends and loved ones. I love sitting down every Sunday night and giving special thought to the person who’s name is in front of me. My 50 favorite people make my life rich and beautiful. I love them. And it is a pleasure to put my love for them on paper and launch it across time and distance. If you haven’t gotten yours yet your turn is coming or else I don’t have your address. So far I’m on track with 17 letters. What I have learned: The post office doesn’t like shiny envelopes. People need to hear what they mean to you. Even if you think they already know.

10. Teeth - Dadgum y’all. Why is dental care so expensive. Even with dental insurance these dental bills are cleaning my clock. Worth it though. I like these teeth and I want to keep them. So far I’ve had six appointments to address my dental health. One more appointment and this goal Will be complete. In the books. Done like dinner. Here is what I learned from the dentist. I’m a gagger. Also sometimes things you have been really afraid of turn out to be not nearly as scary as you thought.

11. Train Walter- Walter is becoming more manageable the older he gets. But he’s still so territorial. And he can appear to be very scary. Even though he’s a giant baby. I signed him up for naughty dog class three times and had to reschedule because of a blizzard. I’m waiting until the spring to reschedule. But we will get it done. What I’ve learned: I never thought I could love a dog so much. I’ve never been good with pets. I never liked it (still don’t) when people call their pets children. But I understand it now. Walter is family.

12. Friend party- Guest list is complete. Invites go out next month. It’s going to be so fun y’all. What I have learned: Friends are the family you choose. We are all busy. We all have lives. But we must take time to tend the garden of friendship.

13. Take vitamins everyday- I cannot even tell you what a difference this has made in my life. Since I’ve started taking vitamins to address my low iron and low vitamin d and a few others, my mood has stabilized. I feel good. What I have learned. Little habits everyday add up to big changes over time.

14. Fix Legs - I had my leg surgery done on two different days. The first day the woman I call purple nurse was in charge. She was amazing. She told me everything that would happen. She gave me heated blankets and held my hand through the painful parts. She checked on me. She took care when she bandaged my leg (in purple gauze). She checked on me in every way and took care of me. The second day purple nurse was gone and blue nurse was in charge. She seemed distant and distracted. She forgot the blankets. She never asked me how I was or talked to me about what would happen. During the painful parts she seemed unconcerned. She quickly wrapped my legs up (in blue gauze) in a haphazard manner. She never told me of my follow up appointment and rushed me out the door. I don't know what was going on in blue nurses life. It was the day before thanksgiving. Maybe she was distracted. Maybe this wasn't her regular assignment. All I know is that my purple leg healed faster and better than my blue leg. They both healed and both legs are doing great. But the blue one took a lot longer. What I learned: Be like the purple nurse. Give it all you've got. Strive for excellence in everything you do. Little details make a difference.

15. Blog - I want to blog every week. Tuesday is my day. I want to practice writing and get better at it. But I struggle with finding time. Next week I am going to try some video blogging. I'm messing around with my other blog. I'll get it right. The important thing right now is to get back into a routine. What I have learned: I'm not sure. Except that these blog posts are too long. No one has time to read them but I am writing for myself right now. I'll revise and refine later. It's ok.

16. Book - I intend to write a book. 50x50. Deep dives into the list and stories that from my experiences. Every day I have been writing down ideas and stories in what I call my red books. Notes thoughts, narrative about my life. What I have learned: There is a reason I never shut up. I have a lot to say.

17. Organize cabinets, drawers and closets. I have organized the kitchen, laundry room, my room and my closet and my bathroom. In a short amount of time all of the places that I have organized have become just as disorganized as they were before. The kitchen cabinets are the only thing that have stayed neat and organized. I find this frustrating. I live with little mess makers and I am also a mess maker. Our brains are not adapted to organization. We like it when we see it but we struggle to maintain it. What I have learned: Organization is not an event its a lifestyle. Also I have too much stuff.

18. Volksmarch- The fall Volksmarch for 2020 is in September near my birthday. I intend to be there. I have added stretches to my daily exercise routine. Exercise combined with weight loss and over all health should prepare me. I did it before. I can do it again. Go me. What I learned: Little habits yield big results ( I know that's a repeat but its true)

19. Buy a bike- I saw the bike I want to buy. I looked it up on line. I found the store that sells them. When nice weather arrives (that is really anybody's guess in South Dakota) I will have my bike. Funny story. I saw the bike chained up to the bike rack at the high school. Michael said the words I was thinking. Who rides a bike like that to school through the snow in the middle of winter in South Dakota to get to high school? A bad ass. That's who. What I have learned: You will find what you are looking for if you keep your eyes open.

20. One pin from pintrest posted on facebook everyday- When I started I thought about all of the pins I have posted on Pintrest and never looked at again or shared. I decide to pick one each day to share for a laugh or inspiration or instruction. Turns out most of my pins are not pinteresting to me anymore. So I have just been posting what I steal from other people. That works too. What I learned: People like to laugh.

21. Exercise 30 minutes everyday- This has been difficult. With the holidays and my leg surgery and me being lazy and everything. At first I was trying to run on my treadmill every night. But I just couldn't make myself want to do it. So I started jumping rope. In the kitchen. Its been going pretty good. I can jump about 150 times now instead of 4. That's a big improvement. What I have learned: Keep trying even if you suck. You will get better.

22. Print pictures and do something with them - But what? I want to have them off of my devices so I don't lose them. But I don't want to store them or put them in albums that take up so much room. I am not scrap bookey or crafty.  I have started making photo books from walgreens. Super easy to do on line. Really easy to store and the kids love looking at them. What I have learned: Some day all our devices will be gone by the wayside. I don't want my memories to be gone with them.

23. Make over at a make up store- Y'all I went to the Ulta store down the street from my house and I paid $60 for a make over so I could watch the lady's tricks and see what she did. Oww wee y'all she was grouchy because I wouldn't let her "clean up" my eye brows. I was born with these eye brows and I am keeping them. Kiss my grits. She just would not let it go. And she was cranky. I don't think she liked it when my friend Heather made me laugh and made lipstick zip up my face. But bonus I found out Ulta sells Babyfeet, my favorite foot exfoliator. Later my friend Christon did my make up at her Mary Kay party and it looked 10 times better and she didn't even yell at me for not cleaning up my eye brows. What I learned: These eye brows are nobody's business.

24. Family Photos - I have scheduled to have this done on February 17th. I want it to be fun and wacky like my family and I want to include Walter. What I have learned: You are lucky in life if your best friend is a photographer.

25. Weekend get away- I am learning to enjoy my own company. I am discovering that I don't like to be alone. I am other focused to the detriment of myself. So in April I am going somewhere not to far but not tooo close (Maybe Minneapolis?) By myself. For reflection and retreat. What I have learned: Don't be scared to walk alone. Don't be scared to like it. (Those are John Mayer's words. But they apply)

26. Write down all my food and money every day- This has become an important morning routine for me. I write down every day what I commit to eating that day and I eat only those things and nothing else. I write down my bank balance every day and what I commit to spend every day. I haven't been so good at sticking to the commitment to spend only this amount and nothing more. But as I said shit is expensive. What I have learned: Planning makes all the difference.

27. Read 50 books- I love to read other peoples stories. So I printed off a list of every book in the Rapid City Public Library that has the word memoir in the title. Then I picked 50 that I want to read. So far I have read 14 books. I have read some amazing stories of hope and resilience. I read about Cupcake Brown who used to be a crack addict and is now an attorney and motivational speaker. I read about David Crow who lived through incredible abuse and poverty and is a lobbyist. I read about a man in prison who met people with leprosy that taught him lessons he would never have learned on the outside. I love books. I also read some books I hated. What I learned: Sometimes its not your book. Its not for you. And you know it doesn't speak to you. Don't waste another minute reading the wrong book. Find your kind of books. Don't waste another minute on the wrong relationship, job, interest whatever it is that does not light you on fire. you don't have to feel guilty for saying you are not for me.

28. Pay off all debt except the house- This is a kin to my other goal of saving every month. I've been spinning my wheels and it feels like I am backwards on this. But, I have a plan. Check me in September and see if it works What I have learned: Not a damn thing so far.

29. Free Garage sale- Of course I have to wait until the weather is nice. But I have a box of stuff going and some ideas of other stuff. If you want to donate to the free garage sale to get rid of some crap and help others out who need crap let me know. What I have learned: We are over burdened by our attachment to things. Its ok to let stuff go. Even if you have had it for a long time. Let it gooo.

30. Facebook match up- The other day my sister Julie called me and she said she was in bizzareo world. The pasture of her church, who lives in Texas, was Facebook friends with one of her high school classmates ,who lives in Washington DC and they were talking to each other. I squealed "it worked! Facebook introductions worked! Two people I introduced became friends!" My friend Andrew still thinks I'm weird. He is not wrong. But it is really fun to pick two random people who don't know each other and think about what they have in common. I'm going to keep it up. Who knows you might be next. What I learned: I am a uniter. Not a divider.

31. Family day once a month- I am so tired of week ends being house work days. So once a month we are blowing this popsicle stand and doing something away. We have been as close as the library and as far away as Sioux Falls. Who knows what adventure awaits us when the weather allows. What I have learned: House work can wait. Get outside.

32. Increase my retirement- I have done it. Paper work complete. Money being saved. What I have learned: If I can use the senior discount at burger king I can save for retirement.

33. Date night with each kid- This is the best idea I have ever had. We have had a dance party, arcade night, bowling, indoor camp out is coming up, minute to win it games, make your own pizza, snowball fight, giant fort, home movie theater with tickets and concessions. They look forward to it and plan for it all week. What I have learned: You don't have to spend a lot of money to be creative and have fun.

34. Shoot a gun- My friend Christy is going to go with me to the shooting range. It looks like Tuesday is ladys night. I'm kind of scared. But I think it will be fun. What I have learned: It's ok to try new things.

35. No TV except on Saturday- I was doing so good. And then I started bing watching reruns of How I met Your Mother on Hulu. Dang it. When I went back to only watching on Saturday I noticed what a difference it made in my time management and my sleep. TV is a time sucker. Even if I tell myself I will only watch it at the end of the day it still steals time away from other things. And I stay up too late and fall asleep in front of the tv and wake up exhausted the next day. When I only watch on Saturday night I am more selective about what I watch and I enjoy it more. With todays tv on demand and streaming services your shows will be there for you later. There is no reason to be a slave to the tv. What I learned: Once again little habits make a big difference.

36. Celebrate international mud day- Find us in June covered in mud. More to come. What have I learned: Make your own fun.

37. Christmas in July- I have started to buy a few things at the dollar store every week to make it fun. Michael mentioned the other day how much fun it was a few years ago when we did it. Making memories. What I learned:

38. Lemonade project- This idea for a parent mentoring program has been on my heart for a long time. I have wanted to start a nonprofit organization. Sometimes you have to bloom where you are planted and practice and hone your skills. I have been reading and researching. Yesterday I sent my big boss an email saying that I would love to see our agency launch a specialized parent mentoring program. That it is my belief that addressing challenges in the home leads to better behavior outcomes in the classroom and that the keys to resilience and change are rooted in relationship and community. I told him that I would love to brain storm with him and I would welcome to opportunity to be involved. Who knows if that ever becomes a reality. But its worth a shot. What I have learned: Taking a risk is scary. But the only fail is a no try.

39. Redecorate the house- If you have ever seen my house you know I have a lot of pictures. I am just ready for a change. I took all the pictures down and boxed them up. Its like looking at a blank canvas. The word kitchy keeps coming to mind. What I have learned: Its ok to be different than you used to be.

40. Go to the primary care doctor- I did. Got my blood work and my referrals. All good. What I learned: I am worth taking care of.

41. Hire a maid- I got the job. i'm hired. Seriously I cant spend the money on a maid. I'm working on being better at it myself. I don't like it but I'm the only one who can take care of my house work problem. So I'm reading about house cleaning hacks and trying my best. And I am trying to teach my kids. The dish washer is broken and I don't mind letting it stay broken for now because washing dishes builds character. What I learned: The windows in my house pop out for easy cleaning. I learned this after I have lived here ten years.

42. Have Melissa paint Walter- My cousins daughter, Melissa lives in New Orleans and she is a fabulous artist. She paints pet portraits. originally I wanted her to paint a picture of Walter. Eventually I still want to do that. But my sister Julie has this great old dog named Sam. He is a hound dog near the end of his life. When I told Julie about Walter's picture she said she wished she could do something like that for Sam before he died. My sister is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. She always puts herself at the back of the line. Husband, kids, grand kids, family, friends always come first. She is the kind of lady that you can be sure is always hitting her knees praying for you and your family. Julie is one of a kind. I decided to ask Mellissa to paint Sam right now instead of Walter. I'm sending the money on Friday so let the painting begin. What I have learned: Nobody loves you like a sister.

43. Moving on and Getting over- That is the title of a John Mayer song But it is also something I have needed to do for a long time. If you know me you know. But its complicated. Matters of the heart often are. In the words of Forest Gump That's all I have to say about that. What I have learned: So many things that I could write an entire book just about this by itself.

44. Weekend trip with Sam- My friend Sam is the kind of person that takes a week to return a phone call but will drop everything and come when you need her. And when she does return that call she will listen to all your whining and complaining and never judge you for your stupid mistakes. She showed up when my son tried to kill himself and sat with me in the hospital. His own dad wasn't there but my faithful friend Sam was there. She is the best kind of friend. Our birthdays are in September so we are going away for the week end. Maybe Denver? Plans in the works. What I have learned: Pay attention to who is there for you when the chips are down and you are not your best self. Those are your people.

45. Fabulous Christmas- Did I over spend for Christmas? You bet your butt I did. Was everything perfect? No it was not. But it was still one of the best Christmases in recent memory. We had fun. Minutes before we were to leave for the Polar Express we had a major bathroom flood. I'm  talking water poring thru the down stairs light fixture bad kind of flood. But we still made it to the Polar Express train and had an amazing time. Christmas Morning the little girl announces her head really, really itches and on the most joyous day of the year when all the stores are closed It was discovered that she had head lice. These things are unavoidable. But they did not steal out joy. What I learned Happy does not mean perfect.

46. Read My One Year Bible Every day- One day you might come to a place where you question everything you ever knew about God. I hope if this happens to you that you go back to square one. Start over at the beginning. Read that Bible all over again with fresh eyes. Ask God tough questions. I hope you read even if you think you are the worst sinner. Even if you don't get it all. I read at the kitchen table. Sometimes the kids ask me to read aloud and we talk about it. Sometimes I read alone in the quiet predawn hours. I don't have all the answers but I notice somethings I didn't notice before. and I find comfort in the words. What I have learned: Even the biggest heroes in the Faith are screw ups. They mess up all the time. All is not lost.

47. Take a walk once a week- No walks have been taken. It is January in South Dakota. But we have had nice days. Still no walks. I even thought about walking at the mall. No go. I don't know why I hate to walk. What I have learned: Sometimes you just aren't going to do it.

48. Random act of Kindness- Every week I cant think of one kind thing to do and every week an unexpected opportunity presents itself. Pay someone's water bill, give a homeless guy food. Go out of your way to give someone a ride. Answer anger with kindness. Chances are all around us to be kind. We just need to be aware. What I have learned: If you look for opportunities to be kind you will find them.

49. Take a picture everyday- Some days I do not feel like taking my picture at all. I feel gross or tired. I take the picture anyway. Some days I feel silly. Some days todays picture looks exactly like yesterdays picture and it reminds me how mundane and dull life can seem. But I take the picture every day. What I have learned: I spend most of my time in my chair at work, in the car, or laying down on the couch.

50. 50th birthday party- I plan to begin really planning the party at the half way point of 50x50. March 28th. You are all invited. I'll send you an invitation. Even you who lives so far away. You better start saving for your plane ticket because I want you here. Music, food, fun, games. Lets do it.

Day 60 Why It Matters

Michael and his frog blanket

I was on my way to Pierre, having been invited by DSS to give my input on how to improve foster parent training in my state. I sat in the back seat listening to the workers talk about the heart break they deal with everyday. "I wish we had some welcome bags" One said. "I had to drop those girls off in dirty clothes and underwear in the middle of the night. With nothing at all. I felt so bad." My mind wandered back thru some of the kids I'd cared for and how important welcome bags are. The spinning wheel of kids in my head stopped on a little boy, maybe three years old. He came with his infant sister in the middle of the night. She slept soundly while I tried to comfort him. Wide eyed and hyper-vigilant, it was clear we would not be sleeping tonight. So I sat with him. Earlier I had taken off his urine soaked shorts, no diaper or underwear, and his dirty tee shirt and dressed him in clean Pjs. He had lice but I wouldn't discover this until tomorrow. We just sat he and I. A little refugee from the war torn country of his family. When he arrived I took the things out of his welcome bag and put them in a clear container with his name on it. "Your things" I said as I showed him. I put his bucket on the shelf next to the other kids buckets. I spread his welcome blanket over his bed, although it would be weeks before he felt comfortable enough to sleep in it instead of collapsing on the floor in a heap when he became exhausted. "Your bed" I said as I motioned.  In the coming weeks he blossomed. He talked more. We conquered  the lice. He learned to sleep in his own bed at bed time and not wander the house if he awoke in the middle of the night. Several times everyday he went to his bucket and looked inside. "Mine stuff" he would say to himself. He put the winter hat on his head. He took out the little cars and looked at each one. Rolling them on the floor and then carefully placing them back in the bucket. He put the socks on his feet and took them off again. All the while muttering "mine stuff." After a few more weeks the call came. A relative placement had been found. He would be moving tomorrow. That is the way it goes sometimes. We said our good byes. My heart was sad as I wrote a little note to put with his new clothes and his welcome blanket and toys and a few books I would send with him. Just a little information about his likes and dislikes and his routine. A month later I got the call. He was back in foster care. Just the boy this time. Not the baby.  Could I take him? Of course I would. He arrived with nothing again. Clutching the lone thing he had left in the world, one of the cars from his welcome bag. Where did his other stuff go? I don't know. What happened to him while he was away? I have no idea. Where was baby sister? She was with a different family member. As soon as he arrived he went and sat on his bed. I spread out his new welcome blanket. He went to the shelf and looked in his bucket. I filled it with his welcome bag toys and items. "mine stuff" He said, this time with out the wild hyper-vigilant look in his eyes. He didn't stay with us long. I don't know what became of him. Many years later I got a call saying his sister, now 7, was back in foster care and could I take her? I could not. My house was bursting at the seams and I was now a single work outside the home foster mom. Where was the boy I asked. The worker did not know there was a brother and did not have any information about him. They had different fathers. Perhaps He had been placed with his fathers relatives. My heart was broken. But I never forgot how much that welcome bag meant for that little boy. When you have lost everything even the simplest things mean something. This is why I knew I wanted to help when I heard there were no welcome bags. I called the people I know at the department and asked if I could help. There is a beautiful soul in the foster parent association who has been fostering kids for 45 years. She is amazing and she has been lovingly assembling welcome bags for kids for years. The problem is storage. The foster parent association used to have a storage unit that was donated. The property was sold and the unit was lost. Right now the supplies are stacked high in a garage and they are difficult to get to. A new storage area will hopefully be available soon. So my kids and I spent a few hours on a Saturday helping Susan, from the Black Hills Foster Parent Association, moving some things around and talking about foster care and welcome bags. I decided, as my contribution, I will collect and assemble 50 welcome bags. I have 645 Facebook friends. If each person donated one or two items this would be more than possible. I would need to clean out my own garage to store the items. My minions and I could do that. So I made some lists. And I put it out there. So far two generous ladies have donated some items for infants, toddler and teens. And one beautiful lady included the information in her agency newsletter to spread the word. I am hoping that after the holidays people will pitch in and we can do this. These kids belong to all of us. Not everyone can foster. But everyone can do something.

Wrong things made right day 55

Listen here. I don't much like this blog anymore. If I'm honest it feels dull and lack luster. I'm loving Project 50. Just not writing about it. And I just couldn't pin point why. I was at church and the pastor kept talking abou the story of the gospel unfolding. He kept saying story. And Then I understood.  I've  been writing about it like its a list of things to be done. A progress report. I love lists. I find them very satisfying. But this is not a list. Its a story. My story. The every day details and grand ideas of my life. The narrative is what is missing. So let me start again. Let me tell you my story. 

It started in the 8th grade. Miss Williams public speaking class at Dillingham Middle school. I hadn't meant to take the class and don't know for sure how I ended up there. But I remember the first time I connected with an audience. I was giving a speech about funny things that happen when I babysit. I hadn't thought people would respond so well. I never knew I was funny. But kids were literally falling out of there chairs laughing. A few days later someone I didn't know stopped me in the library and asked me if I was that speech girl who told funny stories. And I was off and running. Over the years I have had the chance to speak in public many times on a variety of topics. Some times I have absolutely flopped. Nobody was picking up what I was laying down. Maybe it was a topic I didn't know enough about. Or maybe something the audience was not interested in. These times keep me humble. We all need humility in our lives. Failure is a part of learning. I always start out thinking how did I get myself into this? I wish I had not said yes. But then I start to talk and it is magic. The connection that I make with people feeds my soul. The stories that people come up and tell me when I'm done. The people who encourage me and tell me how much they enjoyed listening to me. This is the spark that makes me love public speaking. There are a few things in this world that I know in my soul I was made to do. I hear it whispered to me in the twilight between waking and sleeping. Speak. Write. You were made to do this. So when I started watching TED talks I knew someday in some venue I would be doing this. Ideas worth sharing. I have ideas. I watched my heroes Dr. Nadine Burke Harris and Brene' Brown speak so passionately about things that stir my soul and I knew in my bones that I should pursue this idea. The problem was I could just never pin point the right topic. I have spoken about foster parenting, adverse childhood experiences, child development, resilience, home visiting and a variety of other topics. None of them were right for this. I applied to give a TEDX talk last year and was turned down because my topic was to broad. But I finally have an idea. An idea worth sharing. I am going to apply again this summer and I am going to apply for a national TED talk fellowship later next year. Maybe I don't get picked. But maybe I do.  A guest speaker at our church once preached a sermon and pretty much the only thing I remember from the whole thing is that is dad always told him the only fail is a no try. So I'm going to keep trying until its right. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? 

We were finishing up dinner and Christopher brought up the question again. "When are you going to get a boyfriend?" This need for me to be paired up ran deep for him. It had been five years since his father and I had divorced. His dad had girlfriends. He had even been engaged. But here I sat uncoupled. So on the spot I playfully made up a name. Pulled it out of thin air. I was lying. He knew I was playing. Just lightening the mood. "I have a boyfriend!" I declared "His name is Carl Jensen." He paused and studied my face. "Nuh uh. you do not! Show me his profile on Facebook. It happened to be the profile of a dog puppet named Carl Jensen. He went to Cheese university in Ho Chi Minh and he worked for the post office. Perfect. We all busted out laughing. But I insisted that Carl Jensen was my boy friend. "No way! He is a puppet!" They insisted. Over the years Carl Jensen has become a house hold name. When I, briefly, got a real boy friend the kids couldn't wait to come at me with comments like "What about Carl? He's going to be so mad" and When it didn't work out. "At least you will always have Carl." One day we started talking about all the Carl Jensens in the world. How does your name influence who you turn out to be? How were they the same and different. Michael dared me to send friend requests to as many Carl Jensens as I could find on Face book. Challenge accepted. I friend requested so many people on Facebook named Carl Jensen that Facebook had to remind me only to send friend requests to people I know. Out of all of those Carls I got three new Facebook friends. And thus the Carl Jensen project was born. Wouldn't it be neat to send letters to as many people named Carl Jensen as I could find? I love writing letters and I love hearing peoples stories. So I got on the internet and looked on the white pages. There are a lot of people named Carl Jensen. So I decided only to focus on the ones spelled Carl Jensen. No Karl with a k. No Jenson with an o. I started with ten addresses. Then I waited because there is no way to say hi I'm a stranger but I'm not crazy. I am just curious about you and what your life is like. I promise I'm not a stalker. Finally I just did it. I wrote my first clumsy awkward letter to a Carl in RuthHaven, Iowa. I stamped it and threw it in the mail. That same day I noticed that the Carl whose name I picked from literally hundreds of Carl Jensens was one of my three Face book friends named Carl Jensen. What are the odds. And Carl, if you are reading this now I am really not a crazy stalker lady. I'm just curious and interested in people and how they are different and alike and what their story is. Next week I will write another Carl letter and we will see what becomes of this project. 

50 Days and 50 things

Hi Y'all. I'm a little behind this week. And frankly I'm not in the mood to be funny or inspiring. So here is a list of 50 questions and some pictures for the week. More to come on Tuesday.

1. Do you prefer to write in blue or black pen? I prefer to write in pencil. I like to erase my mistakes.
2. Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? The city for sure. But not the big city. The middle sized city.
3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? learn to drive a bus. People always need bus drivers.
4. Do  you drink your tea or coffee with sugar? Do you know me but at all? Sweet sugary goodness. Of course I do.
5. What was your favorite book as a child? The Bunny Twins or Nurse Nancy. My Aunt had these tiny Golden books that I was fascinated with. I think one of them had a duck smoking a cigarette. They were the most interesting little books.
6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I take showers to get clean and baths to relax.
7. If you could be a mythical creature which would you choose? For sure something Narnian.
8. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books? Paper for sure. Nothing can replace the sensory experience of reading a book.
9. What is your favorite item of clothing? My John Mayer Where the Light is t-shirt. Its really soft. It fits just right and it has John Mayer on it.
10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? I often tell my children that my actual real name is Henrietta Pickles. I really do like my first name. For reasons you can imagine I am not fond of my last name. But its the name I share with my children. So I'll keep it. Unless someone gives me another one.
11. Who is a mentor to you? I have had so many wonderful mentors. The one that comes to mind is my old boss Karen Long. She encouraged me to go back to school and taught me so much about the way children learn and grow. She used to tell me that I was the little engine that could.
12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so what for? I would like to be famous. But not famous famous. Like famous in certain circles. But not so famous that I couldn't go to the store without being mobbed. I would like to be famous for writing a book or giving a Ted talk.
13. Are you a restless sleeper? Because of my sleep apnea I never sleep deeply. I am always having some crazy ass dream. So I would say I'm a restless sleeper.
14. Do you consider yourself a romantic? No. I'm not very romantic. I'm thoughtful. But not romantic.
15. Which element best represents you? It would be tin. Because it has an atomic number of 50. Also because the tin man needed a heart. Hearts are my favorite shape.
16. Who do you want to be closer to? I wish I was physically closer to my family. They all just need to move here.
17. Do you miss someone at the moment? My friend Ernie passed away 20 years ago this Christmas. His birthday is coming up this week. I really miss him. Especially this time of year.
18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. Once when my sister were taking a bath a baby mouse came up the drain.
19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? An armadillo.
20. What can you see outside your bedroom window? My front porch.
21. What are you most thankful for? Without a doubt my children. They have caused me to learn things about myself. They know me better than anyone else. They are the light of my life.
22. Do you like spicy food? No. Heartburn. Besides. yuck.
23. Have you ever met someone famous? One time I saw Howie Mandel on the street in LA. Besides that no.
24. Do you keep a diary or a journal? I have a diary that I only write in on New years eve. I started it when I was 19. Once a year I make predictions, record world events, life updates. include pictures. Its pretty interesting.
25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? I already said pencil. This year for Christmas I'm getting myself a food processor, a 360 mop and an electric pencil sharpener.
26. What is your star sign? I don't do that.
27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Who likes soggy cereal. Gross. Crunchy.
28. What would you want your legacy to be? Extravagant love. Love that doesn't even make sense. that is the way God loves me. So big. I don't ever have to earn it. It goes beyond logic.
29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read? I love to read. I didn't learn to read until I was 9. I have a learning disability. Learning to read was tough. I remember sitting in a reading circle in first grade crying because I put so much effort into trying to read and I still couldn't do it. I never take reading for granted. I am in the middle of a book now called "Bad with Money"
30. How do you show someone you love them? I tell them right out. other than that I give them a note or a card or buy them a gift.
31. Do you like ice in your drinks? I am an ice cruncher. I chew my ice up. My ex husband used to yell at me that I was going to break all my teeth if I didn't stop. But I haven't broken a tooth yet.
32. What are you afraid of? Mice and rats. So afraid. Phobic.
33. What is your favorite scent? Lavender. New baby smell. New car smell. Sun screen.
34. Do you address older people by their first name or their last name. Depends. How older are they and what is the relationship? How were they introduced to me? I'm from the south. So maybe Miss so and so or mister so and so. Play it by ear.
35. If money was not a factor how would you live your life? Near all the people I love. I would have a compound for sure. My table would be long.
36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? In the pool please. The ocean is grand. I love a beach vaca. I'll stick my feet in but I don't want to swim.
37. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? Look around to see who might have lost it. If no one then pay a bill or put gas in my car or take my family out to dinner.
38. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish. I did and I did. I suppose you want to know what I wished. It was a matter of the heart.
39. What is one thing you would always want to teach your children? Don't run from the cops. They will catch you. They have more resources than you.
40. If you had to have a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it. I have two tattoos and I am never getting anymore. The first one means so much to me. Courage Dear Heart is my life motto. Its on my wrist. The second one is a small shark on my rib cage. I hate it. It was a mistake. I am glad other people cant see it.
41. What can you hear right now? My teen aged sons laughing from the other room while they are watching tv. It is music to my ears.
42. Where do you feel the safest? Here at home with my dog. He will eat you if you try to bother me. Not really. He's a big baby. But he barks a good game.
43. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Codependency. The habit of taking care of other peoples needs to the detriment of my own needs. Always being the fixer.
44. If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose? You know I'm going back to March 1932 so I can see who stole the Lindbergh baby.
45. What is your most used emoji? I think it's the laughing face with the tears streaming out.
46. What is your favorite season and why? I like summer. I am a hot weather girl. I like it hot. Flip flops and sunscreen. Sweet iced tea. Air conditioning. Summer all the way.
47. How would you spend your ideal day? Taking a nap. Eating really good food. Sleeping.  Any of those things would brighten up my day. Ha, ha I said sleeping twice.
48. Describe yourself using one word. Weird
49. What do you regret the most? Wasting five years of my life on someone who could never love me.
50. Invent your own word. What does it mean? fliggityfloo. A whimsical word that describes a carefree feeling.

Movie theater date night

Bowling alley date night

Holy cups batman 

Organizing the kitchen

Dentist

Helping out with Black Hills Foster Parent Association and welcome bags

Library day

40 Days of Weird

Don't be a hater. Christmas is fun

I don't mind telling you that I go to therapy once a month. I don't think that should be any more surprising than telling you that I go to the doctor when I have a sore throat. I am single mom of 5 kids with varying degrees of need and I have a trauma history of my own that leads me to a high ACE score and a propensity to fall in love with alcoholics. Of course I need caring competent adult to bounce things off of. Help me expose the stigma of getting treatment for mental illness for what it is. I remember many years ago sitting in a foster parent meeting. One of the CPS workers was  explaining that she had just discovered that one of the foster parents she worked with was in therapy. Gasp! She stated that if any of us were attending counseling or receiving mental health services the department would need to know about it. I understand that if a foster parent had a serious mental illness the department would need to know. Just as if they would need to know if you had a serious physical illness and you were caring for vulnerable children. But I wonder why it is necessary to shame people for reaching out. I long for the day when people feel as comfortable saying I have a counseling appointment today as they do saying I have a dentist appointment today. Mental illness is not like fight club. We can talk about it. So I have a wonderful therapist. She listens to my hair brained ideas and usually is on board with my crazy schemes. She hardly ever says I told you so. We can spend the whole hour talking about how something is a really bad idea and I shouldn't do it. And at the end of the hour she doesn't even act surprised when I say I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. But seriously y'all. Her insight and listening ear have been invaluable. And, truth be told, she usually lets me talk until I come to my own conclusion about what is healthy or right or helpful for my life. So imagine my surprise when she seemed unimpressed when I explained my project 50 idea. As I talked she slowly started typing on her lap top. She does that when I say something weird or noteworthy. She peered at me over her computer and asked me if I was doing this as a way to stay busy so I don't have to deal with that other thing we were talking about. Wait. What? Was she really not getting this. She is usually so tuned into my ideas. This is not a time filler idea. I have plenty of crap to keep me busy for decades. I'm trying to get my shit together here. Why was she not as excited about this as I was. Then it dawned on me that not everybody is going to get it. To some people this might seem like a strange idea. Then it also occurred to me that I really don't care. Because the more I talk about my ideas and put my goals in front of my face the more achievable they become. Because my kids are watching. They see my list up on the wall. They see me get out my notebook every night and check off the things that I have accomplished. They are invested in helping me plan family date nights and being a part of helping make welcome bags for kids. They are sitting at the table with me when I write letters to friends and loved ones and they are writing their own letters right along with me. My teenagers are helping me make the monthly budget and seeing where our money is going. They are watching me when I fail. They are seeing me say "well that didn't work. let me try again" They are in this. And a lot of my friends and family do get it. I have cheerleaders that I never expected. I am only 40 days into this project and I am having fun. My 15 year old and I found an app for my phone that shows what I would look like bald. We were sitting on my bed downloading pictures and laughing until we were gasping for air. And its inspiring. Last week we went thru the drive thru at McDonalds and I got one too many fries. We saw a homeless guy sitting on the curb with a sign. I thought here was a chance to do a random act of kindness. I tell you this not to toot my own horn. Usually when we see a homeless person my kids ask me to give them money and I explain that the best way we can help homeless people is to give to organizations that help homeless people like the Hope Center or the Cornerstone Mission. I always explain that even if we can not give money we can always give respect by looking people in the eye and not turning away. We can always say good morning or hello because often homeless people feel over looked or invisible. But this day I said "Michael. Hop out and give this guy these fries" My 14 year old ran over to the guy and handed him the food. As we pulled away my son said "Look at that mom. He's digging in!" From the back seat my 8 year old yelled "We helped a guy!" My 15 year old asked "What if he is not even homeless. What if he is a faker?" I explained that it's not even our job to decide. We just gave a hungry guy some fries and that all we need to worry about. I don't think they will forget it. I may be odd. That's ok. But stay tuned. This journey has just begun. Wait until you see my bald head riding down the street on my new bike with my make up on point and my well trained dog running along side of me on the way to some fun family outing with my crazy kids. I do it my way y'all. I'm getting my shit together.

The gang 

At the doctor for my leg appointment

Family trip to Sioux Falls

Carving our Scary Steve Pumpkins

Month in Review

Y'all I have been at this for a month now! And I haven't even quit. I thought I would take a minute and update my list. I made myself a goal sheet for each one of the 50 things on my list. Then I broke the goal down into steps with target dates and tasks to be complete in order to meet the goal. How is it going you ask? I know you didn't ask but you know me well enough to you you don't have to ask for me to tell you. I think its been a pretty good month y'all. So here it goes.

1. Ted Talk - No progress at all.

2. Carl Jensen Project -. I have collected 10 Carl Jensen names from the white pages and purchased some nice stationary to write letters. I have not written any letters because I don't know how to  sound like a curious and interested person and not a creepy stalker.

3. Welcome bags - I have worked hard on this goal. I talked to the president of the foster parent association. She told me that the problem is not putting the bags together for kids but finding storage for the supplies. We have made plans to meet together and transfer some of the supplies to a new location. She mentioned that it would helpful if people wanted to donate personal items for the welcome bags. I created an Amazon wish list and as soon as I remember my password I will share it. My hope is to make 50 welcome bags. 8 infant bags, 8 toddler bags, 8 preschool bags. 9 school aged bags. 8 preteen bags and 9 teenage bags. If you can donate one item that is terrific. If you can donate multiple items even better. If you are in a position to fill a whole bag that is amazing. If you can't afford to buy anything but want to donate man power that is great too. I will be posting the wish list soon on my Facebook page.

4. Home improvement- There is still a lot to be done around this house. But I'm starting to make a little head way. I took some broken screens to the hardware store and had them repaired. I priced some new tile for my entry way and bathroom. I bought a sturdy baby gate for the stairs so Walter can't go upstairs when I'm not home and be naughty. Most important I called a handy man service. It's been so nice of my friend Steven to help me. He does excellent work. But He has a busy life. So I'm supposed to get a call from the handy man this week.

5. Weight loss - Oh y'all. I'm really falling down on this one. I have not been following my eating plan. I lose three pounds and then gain it back. Its the cooking that does me in. I really like to cook. But I don't have time. Piano lessons, doctors appointments, church. Seems like there is some activity everyday of the week.And maybe I need to simplify my menu. Work in progress y'all.

6. Shave my head - Y'all I really want to do this. But I'm scared. My target day is May 30th. When people hear that I plan to do this the squench up their face and say why. Because I think it would be very liberating and I have always wanted to do it. But I have been afraid of peoples reaction. But y'all I looked up pictures of chubby bald women and then I got scared. Lord help me I'm still going to do it.

7. Beach vacation - No progress.

8. Save money every month - I started off so strong y'all. I felt so big and tall putting money in my savings account. What a grown up thing to do. But y'all, my hand to Gods ear I don't know what happened. Pretty soon I needed a little here and a little there and all of the sudden I had ten stinking dollars in my savings account. I have had some really large, unavoidable expenses this month. But I decided to comb over my bank statement with a fine tooth comb. I got out the highlighters y'all. Know what I found out? I waste a lot of money on fast food and target runs. I plan well but I don't stick with the plan. I'm going to keep on keeping.

9. Write a letter every week - So far I have written a letter to my friend Amy Dunn, Andrew, Ariel. my Auntie Kathy and my sister Julie. It did start off rocky when I forgot to put postage on Amy's letter and it was returned. So I threw a stamp on it and tossed it back in the mail only to have it returned again because the envelope was shiny and the post office dosen't like that so they wanted 15 more cents. So I slapped another stamp on there and away she went. Ain't nothin going to slow my roll.

10. Train Walter - I signed Walter up with a trainer that work with dogs who are not puppies and have learned bad habits. Next Saturday is our big day. I dream of the day I can take Walter to the dog park and he doesn't freak out on all the people and other dogs. The class cost $187! Holy Hannah! But I think its worth it. And the teacher is available for follow up if things are not going well. did it y'all.

11. Teeth - I did it y'all. I went to the dentist for the first time in ten years. This is the one that scared me the most. I don't like the dentist. Who does. Its going to cost a crap ton of money. But I like my teeth and I want to keep them forever.

12.Friend Party - I made a guest list.

13. Take my vitamins every day - Y'all. I am doing it. Have not missed a day. So proud. Then my doctor told me i'm doing it wrong. Not enough iron and it needs to be taken with vitamin c for absorbtion  and Also not enough Vitamin D. So I fixed that y'all and also I am taking a slew of other vitamins that my weight loss doctor recommended. Michael was smelling all my vitamins the other day and he took a big wiff of fish oil and gagged. It was comic.

14. Fix my legs -  Well y'all I feel like an 80 year old woman wearing those dang compression stockings. Not at all like the beautiful, sexy lady on the box. And if another well meaning lady tells me she had to wear those when she was pregnant I might scream. Not really. Because y'all are nice and just trying to help me. But I'm going to have my vein study done on Friday and make a plan for treatment for these old lady legs of mine. Likely it will include surgery and a crap ton of money. But that's ok. Because I like my legs and I want to keep them.

15. Blog every week - Here I am Y'all.

16. Write a book - I'm journaling and taking notes and pictures. Collecting stories.

17. Organize - So far I have organized my laundry room, bathroom and my closet and bedroom. I hoped to have the kitchen and the garage done by now. But sigh. Life happens.

18. Volksmarch 2020 - No progress.

19. Buy a bike - No Progress

20. Post one thing from Pintrest everyday - This has been kind of fun. Haven't missed a day.

21. Exercise 30 minutes every day - Oh Y'all. Just no. I gave up running on the treadmill and picked up the jump rope. I went to a training a while ago that included how jumping rope was very good for your brain health. Especially if you are not a neurotypical person. I really suck at jump roping. No I mean  I am really bad. Starting out I could not jump four times in a row with out tripping or missing. If I count out loud it goes better. After two weeks I can jump 20 times with out missing. Its not much but I'm improving. It gets my heart rate up and makes me sweat. And my kids love it.They love to see their mom active and trying new things. They want to be involved and cheer me on and they want to try it too. And I keep trying and trying and trying.

22. Print 50 pictures every month - No pictures printed.

23. Make over - I called that make up store, Ulta. I have never set foot in there but I assume they sell nice make up. I called and asked about a make over. $60 for a full make over. I'm mulling it over. If I'm going to be bald I better learn this stuff. Then the perky lady who sounded about 12 said I really should also have my lashes done for 10 extra dollars because the look would not be complete with out it. Honey no. Leave my eye lashes and my eye brows alone.

24. Family photo shoot - no progress

25. Solo week end get away - No progress

26. Write down all my food and spending - I need to do better about this. I have been writing down my weight and how much money I actually have in the bank every morning. But it would be better if I wrote what I actually consumed and what I actually spent each day.

27. Read 50 books - So far I have read 3 books. Magical Thinking by Augustine Burroughs, Dead End Gene Pool by I cant remember the author and Girl Was Your Face by Rachel Hollis.

28. Pay off all debt except the house - No progress

29. Free garage sale - No progress

30. Facebook introductions - My friend Andrew sent me a text after the first on saying I was a very weird lady. You better watch it man. You know I'll get a ladder and climb up there and throat punch you. So far I have introduced 4 sets of people.

31. Family day once a month - Last month we went to the library. I admit that wasn't very exciting. Tomorrow we have to go to Sioux Falls for some medical appointments so we are staying at a hotel with a water park. woot.

32. Increase retirement - Talked to my boss and I have to wait until open enrollemt in January.

33. Family date night- Of all my ideas this one has been the absolute best. Every Friday one kid gets to be in charge of planning and executing family date night. We have had fort night, snow ball night and make your own pizza night.

34. Shoot a gun - No progress

35. No tv except on Sundays - I changed the day to Saturday but I have been very faithful and only watched tv once a week. It has freed up a lot of time I didn't know that I had. Also has made me realize how much time my kids spend watching tv.

36. Celebrate international mud day - No progress

37. Christmas in July - No progress

38.Lemonade Project - No progress

39. Redecorate the house - No progress

40. Go to my primary care doctor - Goal met! I went to the doctor, got my lab work done, got my referral for my legs, got a prescription for the dreaded compression stockings and I was out of there. I followed up on the labs and I am still anemic and still have a vitamin D problem.

41. Hire a maid - I hired her. She is me. I got the job. No seriously. This sounded like a good idea at the time. I am so embarrassed about the way my house looks most of the time. I just can not keep up. I know I have a tribe of children to help me. They don't help me. But I called around about maid services and I just cant justify spending that amount of money when I am trying to get out of debt entirely. Its too much.I have to do it myself. Have too.

42. Ask my cousin to paint my dog - No progress

43. That personal goal I didn't want to talk about - If you know me you know this goal was about a person and not a thing.I don't know if you have ever been in a situation like mine. Chances are you are smarter than me and you haven't. But is there someone in your life who was not right for you. And you knew it. But you just could.not get over it. You just could not let this person go. Moving on is the toughest thing. All my friends are rolling their eyes right now because they have heard more times than they can count that I was going to change. That I'm too old for this crap. That this was really it. But here is the thing. This is really it. I'm done with this unhealthy shell of an empty non relationship. Letting go is not the same as giving up.

44. Weekend trip with my pal Sam - No progress. Except to tell Sam she is going on a trip with me for our birthday.

45. Fabulous Christmas - I made an Amazon list and a pintrest board

46. Read my Bible everyday- I have been reading my one year Bible everyday. Seems like every time I sit down to read a ruckus starts up between my children and I have to yell "Jesus be near me! If you don't shut up that racket while I am reading my Bible I'm going to thump you!" But i'm getting it done. I have to admit rereading Jeremiah has been a little frightening.

47. Take one walk per week - No walks taken. I moved the day from Friday to Sunday. But i still don't take the walk. In my defense it is cold and windy.

48. Random Act of kindness - I have done three acts.



49. Take a picture of myself everyday. I never realized how much nicer I look when I smile.

50. 50th party - No progress

Evan

Tori's pumpkin

The annual carving of Scary Steve

Evan and Walter

All of the clothes I can't wear unless I lose weight

Pizza date night

Pizza date night

Pizza date night

Day 25 The Wall

Oh y'all. It's been a heavy week. You knew it would happen. Not everyday is roses and not every week brings progress. But Lord y'all. Yesterday I had it. I recently went away for a few days for a work training in Montana. My children don't adjust well to me being gone. Especially the younger ones. They wonder down deep in their bones if I am really coming back. They know loss. Its not so bad when I'm gone. I have great support (thank you from the bottom of my heart Ariel) But the coming home. Boy Howdy. The behavior is over the top. But sometimes I must go. And we always find our way back to our brand of normal. But yesterday I just hit the wall. Tired. The kids had yet another day off of school. Dante wanted to make hot chocolate in the Keurig. Only he likes his with milk. So he filled the Keurig with milk. The dishwasher is still broken and probably will be for a while. Then Walter ate the dinner off the table when I wasn't looking and I tripped when I was jumping rope and despite my best efforts I messed up my checking account. I did go to the doctor and got my blood work done. And was told I have to wear the dreaded compression stockings. But I got a referral for my legs. I went to the dentist and found I, after a life time of no cavities, I now have four. And I need about $1200 worth of dental work done. So much for my savings. So I was feeling quit sorry for myself. I wanted to throw my jump rope down and storm off to my room and slam the door like a dramatic teenager. Then I looked over at my 14 year old son eating pop corn and watching tv on the couch. And it dawned on me what day it was. Two years ago to the day. My son tried to take his life. Tears filled my eyes as I recalled the worst day of my life. I called my son over to me and told him that I was thinking about that day. I told him that I was so proud of him and how hard he had worked to come back from that place. And although the road has not been smooth I am so thankful to have him with me. He kissed me on the head and swiped my hot chocolate off of the table and went back to watching tv. Suddenly all the inconveniences seemed trivial. I'll get it done. Little by little. Hug your babies y'all and appreciate what you have. Until next week. Over and out.

Dentist

Doctor

Somehow I don't think they will look this sexy on me

Can't forget John Mayer's birthday

Fifty things I don't like. Fight me.
1. Katchup
2. Grammar Nazis (Sorry mom. I love you.)
3. Dog hair
4. Itchy skin
5. Salsa
6. Cold feet
7. Wind
8. People who don't say what they mean
9. People who say what they mean, but rude
10. broken pencils
11. Things over my face
12. Rats, mice and rodents
13. Music with no words
14. Pictures with no people
15. Being woken up from a nap for no good reason
16. Churches with out grace
17. Chewing on a sucker stick or a popsicle stick
18. Arrogance
19. Being bossed
20. Clothes that shrink in the dryer
21. Adult coloring books
22. Daylight savings time
23. Car repairs
24. Fancy shoes
25. Online dating
26. These movies: All dogs go to heaven, The Mask, Unforgiven, The Crying game
27. These songs: Old Town Road, Any song by Drake
28. Exercising
29. Being licked by my dog
30. Mean girls
31. Emotionally unavailable men (Who am I kidding. I love those guys. Lol)
32. Junk mail
33. Scary Movies
34. Tight pants
35. Underwear
36. Socks
37. Cold sores
38. People who talk during church, movies
39. Coats
40. Getting up early
41. Songs that get stuck in your head
42. When people flake
43. Being lost
44. Make up
45. Fake finger nails ( On me. They look pretty on you.)
46. Missing people
47. People who are not flexable
48. Neck pain
49. Sleep Apnea
50. injustice