Day 16: Step by Step

Hi y'all. When I started this thing I thought my desire to change might make this process easy as sliding off a greasy log backwards (that is to say, not too hard). But as my good friend Randy says "Change it don't come easy and it don't come fast." So I am creeping along. Last week I decided that I wanted to move to a new house. Y'all I saw these cute, cute houses and I decided I had to have one. My hubby is not keen on moving out of a perfectly good house just because the one acroos town suits my fancy better. He is not really interested in building a new house. I seem to have become obsessed with it because even my kids were like "MOM! we don't want to look at your favorite house again!"

Day Ten: Son shine

Hi y'all. As you can tell I was a little down in the mouth last week. I tried to buy healthy food and the fridge broke. I tried to work out and the child care was full. I tried to used my machine and it would not turn on. I was starting to feel sorry for myself. Then my husband got sick and stayed home from work for two day. Y'all, I was fit to be tied. Then I went to church with out the kids on Sunday. Well the preacher started to talk and I started to cry. Bawl really. If y'all know me that is not to much of a stretch. He was talking about freedom from discontent and other words that start with letter d. Like depression and divorce. He even used the word discombobulated. I love that word. I know God is working in me y'all. I am still struggling with food and sleep and order in my crazy life. But, I feel the peace of God and that has been missing for a while.

Day Four: I'll have a side of guilt with that

Hi y'all. Things ain't going so well in my neck of the woods. With all my fridge troubles I have not been sticking to my meal plan at all. The guilt is creeping in. My house is a mess and that hurts my heart y'all. I always wanted to have a yummy smelling house that was inviting and organized. I know I should not base my ideas about who I am on house work, but I can't help it y'all. I feel like a failure when my house is dirty. I do know that I have to start using my machine and my resolve is strong. I actually feel asleep today sitting in the car waiting for my boys to get out of preschool. One second I was listening to the radio and the next second I heard my self snore and D, strapped in his car seat, yelled wake up mom. I snapped awake but I hate the idea that I feel asleep in public not of my own will. I have to use that machine no matter what. The day was not a total wash even though I have not been eating well I have been getting a few things done. Monday I resolved to get moving so I took the kids to the Y. It was crowded and the child care was closed so I took the kids to the park instead. Yesterday I made an appointment for my husband and I to start marriage counseling (big step), and for my son to be tested for ADHD (really big step. ) Although I have not started on a regular reading schedule I did take advantage of some time on my hands. I found a Gideon Bible on the table at the therapy center and read the book of James while waiting for D to finish speech therapy. I realize I am never going to fix everything all at once. So Baby steps y'all. Like I read in James " Let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." Sounds good to me y'all.

Day Two: Appointments to keep

Hi y'all. Where do I start with day two? I ate junk all day because my ice box is broken. I did not do much house work today and my house is a mess. I did make an appointment for my son to get tested for ADD and an appoin

Day one: What's for Dinner?

Hi y'all. The thing I am going to focus on this week is eating . Both physical and spiritual. I am starting here because I think it effects every area of my life. In the physical world of food I feel like a hamster on a treadmill. Y'all I have sleep apnea. Not just because I am fat, although that does not help. No, it's those dang old genetics that I got from my dad that makes the structure of my throat and jaw all out of whack. I have struggled with this since I was a teen ager. But the fatter I get the worse it gets and the more times I wake in the night because I am not breathing and the tireder (yes that is a word too!) I get. The more tired I am the less energy I have to get moving and the less motivated I am to shop and cook healthy foods. And then I get fatter and my mood suffers and I feel depressed so I eat more and get fatter. I don't mean to say that I am a victim in any way. I have a cpap machine that I should use every night. That dang thing keeps me awake(ironic, I know.) It is important because people with sleep apnea are at a much higher risk for stroke and heart attack than the average bear. On top of that I have GERD. That stands for nasty food coming back up into your throat and burning the tar out of it while you sleep. Yes, yes there is a treatment for that too. I have some marvie pills that work very well but only if you take them. You see a pattern here y'all. I don't know why but I don't take good care of me. If I lose some weight, use my machine, and take my pills I might not be walking around here like a zombie and have some energy to enjoy life. So job one is food. I am addicted to it. Fast food is my weakness. I love food. I love it like a junkie love crack. Most of the stuff in the food I eat is not even real food. High fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, white flour. My body does not even know what to do with this stuff. So my plan is to follow Dr. Oz and use his book "You on a Diet" I have had success with this in the past. My down fall is that when my clothes are a little looser and I am feeling good I start to think that I am okay and I can relax a little here and there and them I am back where I started. But I am back on the wagon. And wouldn't ya know it! Just when I go to the store and stock up on good food (I even went to the health food store y'all) The fridge dies and they can't deliver a new on until Tuesday! Almost all of that food gone to waste! What is a girl to do? Well, I guess we will live out of ice chests for a few days. But I am plunging ahead. While I was cleaning out the fridge y'all I started thinking about my spiritual food. I used to be a consumer of the word y'all. I mean I read the Bible all of the time. Once I even read the whole Bible in one month. Y'all I even fasted. I don't do that anymore. Not since I got cable tv with DVR. Are you kiddin'? there is ALWAYS something on tv. I don't watch during the day but come 7pm and those boys are in bed My fanny is parked in that chair with a snack and a drink and my love (Toshiba) and I have three hours to spend together before I drag my butt to bed. That used to be God's time y'all. I used to study the word and write notes to myself to keep in the car and ponder it through out the day. Now I am hooked on spiritual junk food. "God give me a verse" I pray as I flip my Bible open. God is faithful I usually land on a verse that seems to meet my need for the day. I go to Bible studies and never do the home work. I catch a tidbit while tuning the radio and say "oh that was so good!" I like my God like I like my food. Quick, easy to digest, tastes good going down. And then I never burn off what I take in because it is not enough to sustain me. I have gotten spiritually fat y'all. That is the honest truth. I used to dig for the spiritual food and savor it. Now I just gulp it down and move on. But costs me y'all. And I don't want to be like that. Because just like the physical food I eat effects my whole being , so does my spiritual food. So this week I am eating and I am reading and I will be sharing. Thanks y'all.

Here we go y'all!

Hi Y'all. It's house cleaning time. Not the literal house. Although that could use a good scrub and shine as well. No, I mean my life house. Things are getting pretty messy up in here and my affairs need some attention. You know how it is. A milestone birthday approaches. You start thinking about where you thought you would be in life and suddenly you get reflective. Y'all, I am going to be forty in six months! Now I am not talking mid life crisis. I had that at twenty-five. I am secure in who I am and who God is and where I stand in this world. I have two beautiful boys that are everything to me. I have allot of good stuff going on but some things are askew. I would be less than honest if I said my life was on track. In fact some days it seems I am in the ditch. I have learned from years past that when things are not going according to plan sometimes it is time to change the plan. I am also not so vain as to think lasting, deep change is possible for me with out God. I need him every step. Sometimes when I say I am going to clean up what I mean is I am going to straighten up. I am going to move things around and put stuff back where it goes (or at least where no one else can see it). I am going to make it look better. Nothing wrong with that. It serves it's purpose and makes me feel better. But it is not the same and real deep cleaning. I mean elbow grease and getting behind the furniture and stepping into the closet from hell and shining the light on all the crap you forgot was in there. Thowin' out the trash and restoring things that have been lost. I am ready to work y'all and to let God work in me. If you are anything like me you make these grand resolutions to change and then you get lazy. On day one it seems like such a great idea. By the end of the week you start thinking "are things really that bad? This seems like a lot of effort." By week two you are back to your old habits. So I am trying to keep myself motivated. I like to read other peoples blogs. I tend to read blogs of others who are interested in the same things that I am. Foster care and adoption, Jesus music, great books, healthy eating etc. What I usually end up reading are the blogs of Christian foster mom's who home school, have several children, run a business from home, have a huge organic garden, have a loving relationship with someone who could qualify as spouse of the year, feed there kids only the best foods, seem very organized and have the cutest blogs ever. I like to read these blogs because I like to think it is possible to balance all of the things that you are passionate about and look great doing it. This however is not one of those blogs. I am a regular girl who is over weight, with a struggling marriage, a home to keep, and lots of ideas about what I want to do with my life but not much motivation or confidence to get it done. Like so many, I feel a little stuck. So here begins a chronicle of my journey to live life and not just hang on for another day and hope for the best. My rules: 1. Total honesty. I'm not holding back y'all. I'm gonna' tell the truth and shame the Devil. 2. Write everyday. This will keep me from forgetting about my resolutions and falling back. 3. Forget about what others think. I have trouble with spelling and punctuation and grammar. That is the way my dyslexic mind works. In the past when people have pointed out my errors I quit. Not this time. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind a little ribbing if some mistake strikes you funny but don't send me corrected versions of my blog. I don't care. So here we go y'all. Buckle up. You never know where adventure might take you.