Day 430: Up In Smoke

Y'all I have been thinking about my younger years and it is true what they say. Youth is wasted on it's own. I was so dumb y'all. I know this may come as a shock but there was a day when I did not always have it together like I do now. Stop laughing. I mean it. No really. In fact my early adulthood could be characterized as a series of missteps, misadventures, and malfunctions (big words I know but stick with me) that seem quit humorous in hindsight, although at the time they were anything but. Make that butt,as in cigarette butt because many of my mishaps seem to center around my smoking habit. Now y'all smoking is not funny at all. If you do it quit it. You know you should. I started smoking on a dare y'all. When I was 23 years old. Who starts smoking at 23? My friend told me I was a prude and that I would not last one week smoking. I showed him I smoked for seven years. My step father always accused me of "hot boxing it". I don't know what that means but I do know that I caught my hair on fire a number of times trying to light up on my ELECTRIC stove. I had talent y'all. I can tell you this it sure made it easier to meet folks when riding the bus. Why I had to be taking the bus is a whole nother blog. One day at the bus stop I was wearing my Mickey Mouse tee shirt a pair of black stretch pants (not sweat pants Donna!) and my red cowboy boots. That's right. That was how I rolled back then. A fella came up to me and asked if I wanted to go on a date with him. Well having been on only one date with a drunk guy at the bowling alley I thought this might be my opportunity to break into the dating scene. With out ever making eye contact or getting a good look at the guy I said yes and arranged to meet at his stop in two days. That is right y'all I had no sense. I arranged to take a day off of work y'all just to meet this fella at his stop. The night before the big date I went over to my friend Donna's house and the boy paged me on my new and hip pager because I did not have a phone. Well y'all I called him back and right away my friend Donna (who had sense) caught on that this might not be a very nice person just from the questions he was asking me. I was a bit naive and stupid and just kept talking. Donna was cooking and burned the bread trying to get me to hang up the phone. Smoke pouring out of the oven and Donna saying "just give me that phone!" She was giving me ax signs and the finger across the throat thing and making all kinds of gestures, but no way was I going to miss my chance to start dating people. The next day I rode to his stop as planned. Well when I got there I saw him. Never having really looked at him I had created the image of this handsome ripped guy with sparkly eyes and a beautiful smile. Instead I saw a fella with a beer gut and dull eyes looking very disheveled (unlike me in my other Mickey Mouse shirt and boots). I started to think I should just stay on the bus and "miss" my stop. I hunkered down a bit and waited for the bus to pull away. No such luck. He got on the bus y'all and said "Well are you gonna get off or what?" Now I could not hurt his feelings y'all so I got off the bus. Right away he tells me that we have to ride the bus to the pawn shop before we can start our date. THE PAWN SHOP. Y'all I shoulda turned tale and run right then. When we arrive at his apartment we meet his roommate sweeping water out of his living room in bucket fulls. We slosh in through the water while his room mate explains that he put laundry soap in the dish washer because they were out of regular soap and the dishwasher has over flowed. I ponder this for a while while my date feeds his dog potato chips and then it occurs to me that this is much to much water to be coming from the dish washer. While my date is yelling his dog for eating his last chip I spy where the water is actually coming from and open the door to the hot water heater. "Hey man" I say because I really forgot his name. "Your hot water heater is leaking" Well, he leaned over to get a better look and y'all, I don't even make this up, his butt crack was hanging out of his pants and he had butt acne! Oh y'all if I had a lick of sense I would have just run screaming back to the bus stop and never looked back. So then we headed out to the pawn shop and the guy wants to hold my hand and put his arm around me. So I let him. The bus driver, who had actually witness our meeting two days before, looked at me with disdain and said "didn't you just meet him the other day? Why is he got his arm around you so tight?" Well y'all then he tried to kiss me. This is when my nu-uh kicked in. No way was I going to kiss Mr. butt acne. I turned my head away and said no thank you. Y'all he PINCHED me on the leg. Oh no he did not *takes off earrings*. He did not just pinch me *hold my purse* someone is fixin' to get a beatin'. That is what I thought in my head but really what I said "was this date is taking a long time and I really need to get home." I got off at the next stop and went home y'all. So you can see my big break into the dating scene did not happen as planned. Y'all I got a page from him a few days later. Being me I quick put on my flip flops and high tailed it to the 7-11 to call him back. I told him it was not going to work out between us. He said "don't you know what love is?" I said "Yes and this is not it" He said have a nice life and hung up on me. So I did y'all.