Oh My

Oh my word y'all I wrote this post last year and never published it because its embarrassing but it is funny so I just have to share. Don't judge.
Y'all my kids are funny. I know every Mamma thinks her kids hung the moon but my kids are really hilarious. Laugh out loud funny. If you follow me on face book you might have a glimpse of their antics. One of the things about our family is that we value honesty. I always tell my kids the truth when they ask me questions. I mean yes I lie bout Santa and the Easter Bunny. But if they ask me for information I want them to know they can trust me. But sometimes it back fires y'all.   The other day I was riding with my five year old when he sweetly said "Mom, Mom, Mom you know what?" I absent mindedly said "What is it honey" expecting to hear for the 100th time that he likes the missing dog poster that we pass every day. Instead he said "Garfield likes to eat vagina. His owner John does NOT like to eat vagina. But Garfield does." My head jerked around. WHAT? Then my brain caught up with what he was actually trying to say. I said very loudly in an over exaggerated voice. "LASAGNA! Garfield likes to eat LASAGNA! Say it with me son LA- SA- GNA. Lets practice. He just smiled sweetly and said " I can't say that word so I just call it vagina and Garfield likes to eat vagina but John does NOT like to eat vagina" Lord help me this boy is going to kindergarten next year. What are those teachers going to think. This got me thinking about a conversation I had with my older son when he was in second grade. I worked hard to teach my children the proper names for their body parts. No cute little names. So I was dismayed when my son got in the car after school and said "a boy kicked me in the ding dong" I told him that he knew the proper names for his body and I wondered why he was using slang. He said "mom if I say penis at school I am going to get in trouble. They will send me to time out"  I assured him this is not the case and if that happened he could come to me for help. Still he insisted on ding dong. Fast forward three years and my six year old comes home from school with a slip that he has been to time out. "What did you do? I demanded. "I was not wrong" he said. "All I said was vagina. That is not wrong. Girls do have a vagina" Sure enough I looked at the slip and it said "Dante said vagina at school. He said he learned it from his mom. He was told to keep that kind of talk at home. Other parents might not want their kids to know what a vagina is" Oh my Good Lord! If other parents don't want to teach their kids proper names for their body parts how is that my problem! As I pondered these happenings I thought about my parent teacher conference for my other son when he was in second grade. My older boys had been asking me questions about how babies are made. I have always believed that the truth is always the best way to go. Giving my children real, age appropriate answers to their questions so they will know they can ask me anything and they can get correct information always seemed to me the best approach. They asked me how babies were made. With out going into specifics I told them the dad brings the sperm and the mom brings the egg and when they unite the baby is made and grows in the moms tummy. Sitting across from my son's teacher she could hardly contain her laughter as she related something that happened at the Christmas celebration. The children were eating cookies when someone mentioned Mary and Joseph and Baby Jesus. Another child puzzled about how Mary could even have a baby if she was not married. Shy quiet Michael piped up. "Actually you have the sperm and the egg and what happens..." The teacher intervened  "Coookies! Who wants Cookies!" Goodness me. Then there is the granddaddy of all school stories. I only tell this story because its to funny to keep to myself. When my older boys were in kindergarten I purchased an adult toy.*Hangs head in shame* Don't judge me y'all.  I shoved it in the back of my top dresser drawer along with a hodge poge of other stuff. A rock someone gave me. A lock of hair from my son's first hair cut. A list of books I want to read and the book Twas the Night Before Christmas. It sat their for a year collecting dust and forgotten. Christmas time rolled around and I said to my oldest son "Go in my dresser and get the book so we can read the night before Christmas". A few days later I was driving the kids home from school. One of the boys said "He took your lip stick to school today" What was he talking about? I don't even have any lip stick. "What are you saying" Then the realization came over me. Oh No. No. No. No. "BOY!" I said, my voice dripping with horror "WHAT DID YOU DO?" He looked confused. "What mom? I just took your lip stick to school. My fiends and I played with it. We like the way it vibrates and shakes. I am sorry I know its not mine." With that he pulled it out of his back pack and handed it to me. "Did any of your teachers see you" I asked. "No way. We hid under the slide. We aren't allowed to bring toys to school." Darn right boy. Oh y'all. I guess I have some good black mail stories for the future but I am sure if these teachers ever compare notes they will wonder what the heck is going on at my house. Lord help me.