Hope Healing and Resilience

I've been reading this book called Grit by Angela Duckworth. I have thought a lot about resilience and grit the past few years. What makes one person seemingly overcome obstacle and adversity and trauma and another person, with similar experiences be over come by the trials of life? Why do some thrive and some drown? We know so much now about how adverse childhood experiences change your brain. Literally, physically change the way your brain is wired and how it functions. We also know that the brain is an amazing thing. Your brains number one job is to keep you alive by adapting. If trauma can change the brain so can healing. But how?  The how is the hard part. How do you heal? How do you move forward and become resilient? I have trouble spelling resilience most days, much less achieving it. And yet, in some ways,  I am a walking example of resilience in the face of adversity. Most days I feel that way. Other days I feel like who am I kidding? I'll never get my shit together. Self doubt takes over.  Years ago when my big boys were small Ian bought me Oprah's 20th anniversary dvd box set. Over the years Oprah interviewed this one woman who struggled with anorexia and eventually died from it. Oprah was passionate about helping this woman. But lasting change was never achieved. At one point someone told the woman she needed to love herself and get better. The woman's answer was "but how?" No one could give her an answer. That but how has stayed with me all of these years. How do you love yourself when you don't? How do you have self esteem when that flower doesn't grow in your garden? People always say you cant love someone else unless you love yourself? Is that even true? Love and attachment grow in the context of relationship. You cant self love in a vacuum. And yet.. People who don't love themselves are hard to love. It's true. You know them. They are your friends or family or maybe you. Those people who are needy and clingy because they fear abandonment. Or they might be the person who wont let you in. They wont accept your love for fear of the same thing. They isolate. Trying to connect with them on a deeper level is like pouring water on concrete. But both of those kinds of people crave connection and belonging. I believe that people can change. Healing is possible. But I don't think it's easy or simple. When I look at my own life I see a person with a learning disability who didn't read until she was almost 9. A student who was in special ed most of her school career. A survivor of domestic violence and poverty and family dysfunction on many levels. But I also see how certain pivotal people in my life influenced me and cheered me on and told me I could do things and never gave up on me. In every story of resilience you will find these people. I also see God's hand. I could not have even survived with out God, much less thrived. Could not. I don't know what your faith situation is but I know if you are trying to go it alone you just cant. I am the chief of sinners and often times don't even feel like I have a place at the table. But unending grace invites me in every time. Then there is my family. My crazy, imperfect family. I see resilience and healing in them too. My mother is the first person to say she is so sorry that she had a part in my trauma history. I appreciate all the great things my mom has given me. My love of music, reading, my curiosity about the world around me. She taught me to think about things and not accept things at face value. Dig deeper. After years of struggling with domestic violence and substance abuse and poverty and struggling to raise three willful daughters my mom is in a healthy marriage. She is clean and sober for many, many year. She spent the past few decades protecting the rights of children and vulnerable adults. She has three amazing adult daughters and many grandchildren who love and adore her. She has a variety of interests and abilities like rock collecting and jewelry making. She is the first person I call when I have a problem. If you asked her how she did it she would probably tell you years of therapy and self reflection and hard work. I think it was just a dogged determination to pull her head out of her ass and live a different life. Not a perfect life. Just a healthier one. So how do you do it? First of all it starts in you. Self-efficacy is what I'm talking about. How do you view the world? Do you have a growth mind set? Are you able to see failure as a part of growth? Are you willing to try hard things and take risks? Or do you have a fixed mind set? Do you believe change is possible and are you willing to do the work to achieve it. Or do you give up when things are challenging? Do you think you are the way you are and there is nothing you can do about it? Persistence and consistency are a huge part of success. Do yo have an internal locus of control or external. Do you believe stuff just happens to you and you have no control. You have heard it before. "I'm cursed" "If it weren't for bad luck i'd have no luck at all" Or do you think that your thoughts and actions have a huge impact on the things that happen to you in life? You are in the drivers seat of your own life? Secondly you need at least one caring competent adult in your life. Someone who will give it to you straight but not give up on you. Go find your person. A counselor, neighbor, friend. Lots of people are caring and lots of people are competent but you need someone who is both. And if you are already on the path to healing and self  love consider being that person for someone else. Someone who says to the person with depression "hey, lets get out and take a walk and get some fresh air." or that guy who models to another guy that its okay to be vulnerable and talk about emotions. Not an enabler. Not  judger. A competent, caring adult. Lastly you need community. You need places of faith and fellowship. You need belonging. You need other people. You need to be part of something. Your church, the Humane Society,  a book club, Whatever you are passionate about find those people. It will be hard at first because you won't feel like you fit in. But it's ok if you stand out. Be you. Find people who share your passion and interests. Belong. Make connections. Before I wrap this up and land this plane lets talk a little about self love. People are always going on about loving your self and self love. It always felt a little wrong to be loving on myself because I never wanted to be one of those lovers of self mentioned in the Bible. I admire humility in people and arrogance is a huge turn off to me. Yet the Bible does tell us to love our neighbor as much as we love ourselves. That sounds like Jesus thinks we should love ourselves. Love as I have loved you he says. Those are powerful words. His love is extravagant. I think self love is so much deeper than bubble baths and spa days. Those are nice and refreshing. But deeper self love is doing the things you know are right for you. Eating the right foods, getting enough sleep. Taking chances by being vulnerable. Putting up boundaries in your life. Laughing. Singing. Letting joy in. Doing the hard things that you want to quit on. Reframing situations in your life. Your brain only listens to you. So rethink the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what is possible. Find your passion. What lights a fire in you and excites you? Follow that path. These are the things of self love. Lastly lets think about your actual brain. When you are born you have the capacity to learn an infinite amount of things. You have so many brain cells, so many more than you will ever need. Through experiences you brain builds neuronal connections. Pathways between brain cells. The more you do something the stronger the connections get. The ones that are not used as often become weaker. If you love to bowl and that's one of your passions and you practice and think about it all the time and read books about bowling and connect with other bowlers those neuronal pathways related to bowling become like super highways. But maybe you are not very interested in gardening but you know a little about it. You don't put it into practice very often. Those connections are like old dirt roads. As you get older first at about age three and again when you are a teen ager your brain goes through what is called neuronal pruning. It knows you need more room to develop those specialize interests that you have. So it gets rid of the connections that you don't use. Your brain adapts and becomes more specialized. But here is the thing. Your brain is not fully developed until you are about 25! Think of all those young adults figuring out life and their brain is still growing. Another thing. Your brain continues to be adaptive through out your life time. Neuroplasticity is what it is called. Through consistent patterns of thought and behavior you can build new and strong neuronal connections and change the function of your brain. You are adaptable. Its hard work. You cant do it alone but you can do it. Going back to my own story. I am not fully healed. I still struggle in areas. But a girl who used to check out a huge stack of books from the library and pretend she read them because she was embarrassed that she couldn't read is planning to write a book. She dares to write a blog even though she still struggles with spelling and punctuation. A girl who witnessed violence and lived in fight or flight mode for years is able to bring hope and comfort to children who have experienced trauma and violence. A girl who was called retard most of her school life is writing and speaking about brain development. A woman who has every reason to feel like God is against her because she has experiences adversity and hard ship knows the loving grace and open arms of her creator. And its not because I'm special. Its because of the school counselor who said I could go to college. Its because of the Auntie who introduced me to Jesus. It's because of the family friend who talked to me about healthy eating and God's plan for my life. It's the friends who listen to me without judgement. It's the family member who believed in me so much she supported me my last year in college so that I could be single focused. It's the boss who called me the little engine that could and told me never to quit. It's the caring competent adults in my life who never went easy on me but also never gave up on me. Its the community I belong to. Foster parents, Church folk, ACE fellows, coworkers. Its the role models I have found for myself. Authors, speakers, fellow travelers. It's my faith. The hope of Glory, Christ in me. And it is because I decided to never quit. Fall down 7 times. Get up 8. If the super highway is not working you might have to take the bumpy back road until the super highway in your brain is repaired. But you will get there. Practice reading until you can read 50 books in a year. Finish college even if it takes you 12 years instead of 4. Live with an open heart and take a chance on people even when your brain tells you that people cant be trusted and everyone will let you down. Your brain only listens to you. Make up your mind today that healing is possible. You can't do it alone and it certainly wont be easy. But you can do it.