11 Days In

The fort

Hi y'all. This is the first of my weekly updates on my Project 50. I'm 11 days in and still going strong. It hasn't been all smooth sailing but I'm still swimming. Lordy Pete y'all. I must be the laziest sun of a gun you have ever run across. I just hate to exercise. I used to do it all of the time so I know I'll get used to it again. But man. The excuses I can come up with to put off climbing those stairs and getting on that treadmill. As far as self care goes I've been a rock star this week. I've made an appointment with my dentist and my primary care doctor. and I have taken my vitamins everyday. Been reading my Bible and my library book everyday. Y'all I organized my laundry room/pantry. I took everything out and started from scratch and it looks so pretty. My kids know I am serious because they haven't thrown one stitch of clothes on the floor for a week. Now I have started on my bathroom. We had our first family date night. Epic fort night. I used craft stick and wrote down all the date night ideas and let the kids draw a stick out of the jar to decide what we will do next. When I did it I imagined their eyes would sparkle and they would thank me for coming up with clever ways for us to enjoy spending time together. My 15 year old drew out his stick with a simple idea of taking a night time walk with flashlights. This was perfect for him because he loves flashlights and has bout a dozen of them. I thought he would be happy. Instead he dropped the stick and rolled his eyes and said "cant you come up with more age appropriate activities? I'm 15 years old. I don't want to take a walk. Its not what teen agers do." I tried to explain to him that every  idea does not have to be elaborate. Just look for ways for us to spend time together. Teen agers don't walk? He huffed to his room muttering things about baby stuff and being treated like an adult. okie dokie then. My nine year old seemed to understand that my feelings were bruised. So he sat by me at the table and rubbed my back mummering "I'll take a walk with you mom. I'll take a night walk"  I worked a little on home improvement. My friend Steven has been helping me because let's face it y'all, I'm not handy.  I'm clumsy and I break stuff. Home maintenance  and repair are not in my wheelhouse. So he has been replacing blinds and screens and fixing door knobs and hinges. Mostly I have been making lists and picking up supplies and following him around watching him while he does the work. But I feel like we (and by we I mean Steven) are making progress. I have written two letters and matched up 2 facebook friends. I started on my welcome bag project and my carl Jensen project. For the first time in years I put money in my savings account. I signed Walter up for naughty dog classes. All in all not a bad start. I am also keeping in mind that this is real life. Tonight we are waiting out a blizzard. School has been cancelled for tomorrow. So instead of working on my list We are drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream and squirting it in each others mouths. We are watching movies in blankets on the floor and talking about what fun stuff we could do tomorrow. Because I want to be consistent and meet my goals. But I also want to be present and enjoy the moments in front of me. I'll leave you with a list of 50 for the week. Not fifty ways to leave your lover. Fifty ways for you to discover ...
Fifty things I love:
1. The smell of sunscreen
2. When my very big boys come into my room to hang out and talk
3. Road trips
4. John Mayer (You knew that)
5. Seeing my favorite books on the shelf at the the library. Like meeting an old friend
6. When my dog lays his head on my chest to wake me up in the morning. I act annoyed but I like it.
7. Songs that remind me of childhood
8. Doing impressions of people
9. Public speaking
10. Making lists
11. The notes my children write me
12. Sitting in hot tubs
13. Announcing the first gift of Christmas on Christmas morning ( Like on the Polar Express)
14. Holy moments - When something happens and you know in the deepest part of you that it was a moment designed by God. A conversation, an event, a meeting, an occurrence that The Holy Spirit just breathed on. Even if you don't  believe in God you have had these moments that you know are bigger than you.
15. McDonald's coffee
16. Mayonaise
17. Forgivness
18. Best friends
19. Inside jokes
20. Learning from my mistakes
21. The smell of cigarette smoke - I don't smoke. I haven't for almost 19 years. I never will again. But I like the way cigarette smoke smells
22. Singing in my car really loud
23. Journals, note pads, stationary, pens, pencils
24. Being outside in the middle of the night when the world is asleep
25. Pinterest
26. A certain man
27. Parties
28. Google - always helping me with the spelling of words and the directions. Thanks Google
29. My friend Andrew who loves me even though I am a dork and always makes fun of John Mayer
30. The beach
31. Hotels
32. The pastors who have influences my faith and my life and made me want to go after God. Pastor Cleetus - Even though our paths have divided and we don't remotely believe the same things anymore. I am greatful for a time when I believe we did see eye to eye  and things were different. Pastor Aaron - who found me when I was broken. Pastor Jeff - Who uncovered my incredible stubborn streak and softened my need to always be right. And Pastors Brent and Tani - Who always believed in me.
33. Soft blankets
34. Hearts
35. The gift of a daughter
36. All of the people who were parents to me. Including Aunts and grandmothers and step parents and birth parents and mothers and fathers of my own choosing
37. The color yellow
38. Narnia
39. The gift of reading. It came very late for me. But oh the places I have been and the things I have learned from books
40. Facebook
41. John Oliver (Sorry my conservative friends. He's funny as heck and mostly right on point)
42. Christmas
43. The 4th of July
44. Work trips
45. Cool old houses
46. This really old show that used to come on PBS staring Sam Waterson called I'll Fly Away. Best show ever.
47. Cutting to the chase
48. Mercy and Grace
49. The river of souls (stole that from the one and only Randy Stonehill) running through my life who add to the beauty (stole that from the one and only Sara Groves) and make this life half as hard and twice as good (Sarah Groves again).
50. My children

Exercising

Laundry room before

Laindry room after

Project 50

Hi y'all. It has been almost 10 years since I started this blog. Back then I was  staring down the barrel of forty and my life was a mess. So I resolved to make some changes. Here I am ten years later chasing fifty. Everything has changed and nothing has changed. I got a divorce. Adopted three more kids. Lost 106 pounds. Gained 50 of it back. I bought a house, got a job. I loved and lost. Got a dog. I've been a lot of places. Had a lot of laughs. Shed a lot of tears. Lost some rally good friends. Gained a ton of really great ones too. But after all this time I'm still me y'all. I'm still messy and unorganized. I'm still funny and creative. I'm still really bad with money. I still have a heart as big as Texas. I still want to get my shit together. It's been my goal for as long as I can remember. I want to balance work and home. I want to be the best mom and still take care of myself. I want manage things better. Don't we all. So here I am. 49 years old. Lacking in so many areas. Feeling like time is slipping thru my fingers. And once again I find myself reflective. I have decided to make a list of 50 things to do before I'm 50. A bucket list of sorts. But I don't like to call it that because it sounds too cheesy and over played. So for now I'm calling it project 50. Fifty ordinary and extraordinary things that I hope to accomplish in 52 weeks. Some of them are year long projects. Some of them are things to do everyday. Some of them are one time events. Some of them you wont understand because they are personal. So I'll do my best to explain. I'm sitting here at my computer with the stuck letter -I cant even type it because its stuck- last letter of the alphabet. In my coffee cup pajamas. with all of these ideas floating around in my head. Who knows how this all plays out.  Do I know if this will be life changing? No idea. Do I think it will be interesting? You bet. So here is the list. Let's go. Y'all. Times a wasting.

1. Apply to give a Ted Talk - The Subject? Get Your Shit Together.

2. Carl Jensen project - This is a complicated idea. Bear with me. A long time ago my kids were bugging me about what my boyfriends name was. I don't have a boyfriend so I made up a name- Carl Jensen. It's become a family thing. I even now have three FB friends named Carl Jensen. Thru the years I have wondered about all the random people in the world named Carl Jensen. How different and similar are their lives? What are they like. Not in a stalkerish way, just with curiosity and interest, I plan to write to as many Carl Jensens as I can find and see if they will write back and tell me about their lives. We will see where this cra y idea goes. I think people genuinely like to share about themselves if they trust that the person asking means them no harm.

3. Welcome bag project - Kids coming into foster care often have nothing but the clothes they are wearing and the few things they can grab on the way out the door. It might be a day or so before the foster family can assemble the things a child needs. Its nice for kids to get a welcome bag with a tooth brush, maybe a stuffed animal, clean under wear. Something to call their own. My kids still have the blankets that came in their welcome bags and they are a real connection to the before in their lives. Michael still sleeps with his (don't tell him I told you) and he is 14. The foster parent association usually provides these bags. I would like to help collect supplies, assemble bags and store items.

4. Lose 50 pounds - I can do this. I have 28 pairs of pants I can not wear. Keto diet works best for our family. Hard work and dedication. I can do this.

5. Home improvement - I have lived here 9 years. My kids are rowdy. My dog is cra y.  I am messy. There are a lot of broken, worn out things here.

6. Shave my head- I have always said I wish it was socially acceptable for women to  shave their heads. I hate my hair.Maybe it will grow back better. Will it look good? Maybe not. Who am I trying to impress? May 30th. I'm doing it.

7. Beach vacation - May 31 - June 6th I am renting a beach house in Florida and the kids and I are going.

8. Save money every month - I have a specific amount in mind to save every month. I have never been able to save money. Ever. I am paying myself first every pay check and determined to save.

9.Send a letter a week to a friend (Snail mail) - I love to write letters. I love to get letters. If you get a letter from me this year its because you are on the list of the top 52 most important people in my life. Feel special.

10. Train Walter - Walter is a great dog. But like his master he lacks self control. I have signed him up for a class for difficult dogs. My goal is to be able to take him for a walk with out him yanking my arm off. And to teach him to stop barking at strangers.

11. Fix my teeth - I havent been to the dentist in 10 years and my teeth need attention

12. Have a friend party- I am having a party and inviting all my closest friends.

13. Take all of my vitamins every day - I have anemia and a vitamin D deficiency. I am supposed to take a lot of vitamins since my gastric surgery. I need my vitamins. Every day.

14. Fix my legs - Have vein disease in my legs. The blood pools in my legs and does not circulate properly. I was supposed to have surgery to help fix this a long time ago. But I blew it off. Time to take care of me.

15. Blog every week - hi Y'all

16. Write a book - I am documenting and writing everyday. I hope to take the end result of Project 50 and turn it into a book.

17. Organi e all the cabinets, drawers and closets in my house - Just because someone is messy and unorgani ed does not mean that they don't hate clutter and mess and wish they could be different. I hate my closets, drawers and cabinets.

18. Complete the fall 2020 Volksmarch - in 2017, when I was 50 pounds lighter, I completed the Volks march with my friend Bob. I went right up to Cra y Horses head. I want to do it again.

19. Buy a bike - I have not been on a bike since 2005. I want to enjoy bike riding with my kids.

20. Post one interesting thing from my pinterest  board everyday - I have a lot of interesting shit on pinterest that I never look at. If I share something new everyday it makes me look at my ideas.

21. Exercise 30 minutes every day - I think this is the hardest thing for me. I hate exercise. And finding the time to do it is difficult. Last week I was trying to run on my tread mill. Walter was barking, Tori was talking non stop. Dante was having a tantrum, Michael was sulking because I yelled at him and Evan was having poop issues.Christopher was watching tv with the sound so loud I'm surprised his ears were not bleeding. Impossible I said. So I quit. But I know its important and its on the list. So get er done.

22. Print all the pictures from my phone and do something with them - I have a bout 1500 pluse pictures that need to be printed and organi ed. Baby steps. A little at a time.

23. Learn to wear make up -I am almost 50 and have not mastered this. I feel like if I am going to be bald at least My make up should be on point.

24. Family photo shoot - Tori has been adopted two and a half years and we have no professional photos of all of us.

25. Take a week end trip by myself first class - Mamma needs to go away alone and refill her cup.

26. Write down everything I eat and all of the money I spend everyday. If I write it down I will be more aware.

27. Read 50 books in a year - That's one book a week. The library is my friend.

28. Pay off all debt except my house - This is actually one of the more doable things on the list. I just have to stop wasting money and be consistent.

29. Have a free garage sale- I have a lot of stuff I never use. There are people who dont have anything. I am going to have a free garage sale and give away items I dont want. I will collect donations from others as well to give away.

30. Make a Facebook match up game - I have friends on Facebook who I know would get along smashingly. My idea is to introduce these friends.

31.Have a family day one Saturday a month - One Saturday a moth have an outing with all the kids.

32. Increase my retirement - I am getting old. I need to contribute more than 1% to my retirement.

33. Have a date night with each kid once a month - An at home date night. Like make a giant fort night or glow in the dark night. Everyone can participate. But who evers night it is can help plan and organi e it.

34. Shoot a gun - I am not a gun enthusiast.I don't want to own one. My friend Christy tells me that shooting a gun is better than sex. I'd like to see for myself.

35. Watch no tv except on Sundays- I waste too much time binge watching shows on netflix. I can watch tv on Sunday night.

36. Celebrate international mud day - Come to my house on international  mud day in June and find us painting with mud, sliding in mud. Having mud fights. Wear your old clothes though. We plan to get messy.

37. Celebrate Christmas in July - July 25, 2020. Dollar store gifts. Turkey and dressing, Christmas music, news paper snow balls.

38. Lemonade Project - If you know me at all you know this project is close to my heart. I want to start a non profit organi ation called the Lemonade Project. The goal is to mentor parents in the foster care system. I have stopped and started this a lot of time. Mainly because I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. But it is always on my mind. The time is ripe.

39. Redecorate my house - I have decorated my home the same way for the past 30 years. lots of antique pictures. I love them. But I want a change. I want more kitchy stuff. Things that reflect me.

40. Go to my primary care doctor - I havent been to the doctor in a long time. need blood work and a referral for that leg thing.

 41. Hire a maid - Just twice a month or so. To do the things I never do. Like mop and stuff and make my trash can all shiny.

42. Hire my cousin to paint a portrait of my dog - My cousin's daughter is a wonderful artist and paints portraits of dogs. I need a painting of Walter.

43. Special project - This one is too personal to share

44. Plan a week end trip with my friend Sam for our birthday - My friend Sam is ama ing. She listens to me whine. She loans me a few bucks when I am poor. She never jusdges me for my poor decisions and she laughes at my cra y stories. Our birthdays are in September. So we should go on a week end get away.

45. Have a fabulous Christmas- Christmas stresses me out as a mom. I like the 4th of July. Nobody ever has to take out a second job for the 4th of July. You just show up at your uncle Jimmy's house and eat hot dogs and watch fire works and go home. No stress. This year I will not stress about making Christmas perfect. I want to enjoy my family this year instead of worry that its not good enough.

46. Read the entire Bible in a year - I have a one year Bible divided into days. Each day a passage from Old testament, new Testament, Psalms, Proverbs. Once I read the whole bible in a month. I can do it in a year.

47. Take a walk once a week - One day a week lace up my shoes and take a walk with my kids ( and eventually my dog if he learns to behave)

48. Random act of kindness once a week - Sound so cheesy but its not hard to do something nice for someone once a week.

49. Take a picture of myself everyday for a year - Just an interesting idea.

50. Have a fabulous 50th birthday party Saturday September 25th, 2020 - You are all invited. I love parties. I'm going to do it up big y'all.

Day 2750 Proverbs 31 Lady

Oh hi y'all. How is every little thing? I know I have been away a long time. I have been busy y'all, Raising my family and looking after things,  Y'all know I read my Bible and I take it serious. But I don't think it hurts God's feelings too know there are some things that I just don't understand. Most times I'm reading along going yep, yep. But sometimes I come to a spot and I'm like what now? Come again? And I really think God is ok with that. One of those things is this awesome chick in Proverbs 31. If you are a woman who has been to church you probably heard about her. Y'all I'm not being mean but I don't think I like her too much. She is making the rest of us look real bad. She is getting up early and staying up late. Her husband just thinks she hung the moon. She has her own business and she runs the house and stuff. Y'all she a'int even afraid when winter comes because her kids are clothed in scarlet. She is buying fields bringing food from far away. She is a wife of noble character and that is hard to find y'all. Her children rise up and call her blessed. How is she doing all this stuff? I mean I'm over here making nachos out of taco shells and cheese sticks because I haven't had time to run to the store and she is burning the midnight oil and up at dawn. One time my aunt told me this was this woman over a life time. This all didn't just happen on a Monday that she was doing all this stuff. I really don't know. But when I read all the crap she is pulling off I seem to fall way short. I mean her children rise up and call her blessed. I guess her 8 year old didn't write "Mom is a dick fuck shit captian" with side walk chalk on the front walk. Granted my son has some special challenges but still. I get the feeling this proverbs 31 chick has her poop in a group and I am not like her. I mean when it snows she is unfazed. I am looking all around trying to make sure everybody has boots and gloves, freaking out about my car not having good tires. And don't get me started on that husband of hers respected so well at the city gate. Uh uh y'all that ain't happening over here. I think about my messy house and my messy life and all the ways I fall short as a mother and a woman. And I don't get why God wants me to know about this super woman. Ill never be her. Then I back up a few verses and I read this Before King Lemuel's mom tells him to find an awesome wife like this woman of noble character she tells him this "Speak up for those who can not speak for themselves for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly. Defend the rights of the poor and needy". Maybe I'll never understand the wife of noble character until I get to glory. Maybe someday I will. Right now she just really annoys me. Like one of those awesome pintrest moms who has it all together. You know the kind who make paper chains with their kids when they go on road trips and cut off a loop for every hour they travel so they can see the progress of their trip and predict how long until their destination. Meanwhile I'm tossing fruit snacks in the back seat like a mad woman and shouting "quit your whining. We'll be there when we get there! Jimminy!" But here is what I do know. Old Lemuel's mom didn't say to him speak up for those who cant speak for themselves when you have your shit together. Defend the poor and needy if you think its not too much for you. She just said do it. With no condition. In fact all thru the bible God always seems to pick from the back of the line. Moses be my spokes person. But God don't you know I have this speech problem. Jesse where is your youngest littlest son David. I want him to be king. Peter I am going to build my church on you. You are the rock. But Jesus didn't you see me cut off that guys ear? Didn't you hear me deny I even knew you? Then I think about my own life. People tend to tell me lately that I have more on my plate than I can handle. Five kids is a lot for a single mom, These kids really need a dad. What you are getting a dog? You cant do that. Its too much. And lately our family has been thru some very tough times. Some people tell me I'm in over my head. And a lot of days I feel like that. I picked this life and you will never hear me complaining.But raising 5 children all with a trauma history most exposed to drugs and alcohol pre birth was never going to be easy.  So why do I do it? I could stay in the shallow end for sure. But way out here in the deep end, in over my head. That's where the needy are. That's where the ones who cant speak  for themselves are. In school IEP meetings and hospital emergency rooms and medication management meetings on football fields and at school dances. Laughing over silly things, cooking  meals, making  up funny jokes, temper tantrums and melt downs in the front yard for all the neighbors to see. Singing songs at bedtime, playing with our puppy this is the deep end of life and that is where I was called to be. And not when I am finished being  hot mess and I have my financial situation under control and I get a hnndel  on this house work or find a husband who is respected at the city gate. Right now. Today. When I don't always know what I am doing or how its all going to play out. What's your deep end. It's probally not like mine but you have one. Stop waiting until you can get it all right before you jump in. That day will never come. Lets go y'all.

Day 1534: A Day in the Life of a Sleep Deprived, Streached too Thin, Crazy, Blessed Mamma

This was from a while back and I never finished it. But not bad stuff.
Hi y'all! My lands it has been a long time. I missed y'all so I thought I would stop by and check in. How ya'll doing? Me about the same same I guess. It has been a long time and I can't remember.
I was just thinking that I would share with you a  small peek into my crazy life, People always say they don't know how or why I do it. Raise 5 boys by myself, some of them with special needs. People either think I am a saint or crazy. Neither is true. I picked this life and I love it. Sometimes it is comical, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes so sweet, sometimes it makes me tired and kicks my butt. Just like your life. So here it goes.

I opened my eyes as he was climbing into my bed. I had no idea what time it was because my phone went dead from my 9 year old playing dragonville and my alarm clock was unplugged by someone and lay useless in the middle of the floor. Better that he get in bed with me than wander the house getting into trouble and waking everybody up. My 4 yr old, Dante, had FAS and one of the problems that comes with it are sleep issues. He slept peacfully with me for about 30 minutes and then we were joined by my 3 yr old , Evan. By this time baby ( and by baby I mean my 2 yr old foster son. He is a baby to me y'all.) He sleeps in a crib at the foot of my bed like he has since he was a new born. He has long since been ready to transition to a toddler bed and share a room with his (foster) brothers, But he is leaving us soon for his adoptive home so why rock the boat. It is Sunday morning in our house. That used to mean church for us. Rain or snow unless someone was sick we were there. These days not so much. I am not mad at church or God or anything. Maybe my not so secret sin is keeping me home or maybe I am just dragging my behind tired and I just don't want to go. Maybe both. I am determined to get back to regular church attendance, but not this Sunday. Three days until Ian comes to take the big boys to Cananda for the summer

Oh My

Oh my word y'all I wrote this post last year and never published it because its embarrassing but it is funny so I just have to share. Don't judge.
Y'all my kids are funny. I know every Mamma thinks her kids hung the moon but my kids are really hilarious. Laugh out loud funny. If you follow me on face book you might have a glimpse of their antics. One of the things about our family is that we value honesty. I always tell my kids the truth when they ask me questions. I mean yes I lie bout Santa and the Easter Bunny. But if they ask me for information I want them to know they can trust me. But sometimes it back fires y'all.   The other day I was riding with my five year old when he sweetly said "Mom, Mom, Mom you know what?" I absent mindedly said "What is it honey" expecting to hear for the 100th time that he likes the missing dog poster that we pass every day. Instead he said "Garfield likes to eat vagina. His owner John does NOT like to eat vagina. But Garfield does." My head jerked around. WHAT? Then my brain caught up with what he was actually trying to say. I said very loudly in an over exaggerated voice. "LASAGNA! Garfield likes to eat LASAGNA! Say it with me son LA- SA- GNA. Lets practice. He just smiled sweetly and said " I can't say that word so I just call it vagina and Garfield likes to eat vagina but John does NOT like to eat vagina" Lord help me this boy is going to kindergarten next year. What are those teachers going to think. This got me thinking about a conversation I had with my older son when he was in second grade. I worked hard to teach my children the proper names for their body parts. No cute little names. So I was dismayed when my son got in the car after school and said "a boy kicked me in the ding dong" I told him that he knew the proper names for his body and I wondered why he was using slang. He said "mom if I say penis at school I am going to get in trouble. They will send me to time out"  I assured him this is not the case and if that happened he could come to me for help. Still he insisted on ding dong. Fast forward three years and my six year old comes home from school with a slip that he has been to time out. "What did you do? I demanded. "I was not wrong" he said. "All I said was vagina. That is not wrong. Girls do have a vagina" Sure enough I looked at the slip and it said "Dante said vagina at school. He said he learned it from his mom. He was told to keep that kind of talk at home. Other parents might not want their kids to know what a vagina is" Oh my Good Lord! If other parents don't want to teach their kids proper names for their body parts how is that my problem! As I pondered these happenings I thought about my parent teacher conference for my other son when he was in second grade. My older boys had been asking me questions about how babies are made. I have always believed that the truth is always the best way to go. Giving my children real, age appropriate answers to their questions so they will know they can ask me anything and they can get correct information always seemed to me the best approach. They asked me how babies were made. With out going into specifics I told them the dad brings the sperm and the mom brings the egg and when they unite the baby is made and grows in the moms tummy. Sitting across from my son's teacher she could hardly contain her laughter as she related something that happened at the Christmas celebration. The children were eating cookies when someone mentioned Mary and Joseph and Baby Jesus. Another child puzzled about how Mary could even have a baby if she was not married. Shy quiet Michael piped up. "Actually you have the sperm and the egg and what happens..." The teacher intervened  "Coookies! Who wants Cookies!" Goodness me. Then there is the granddaddy of all school stories. I only tell this story because its to funny to keep to myself. When my older boys were in kindergarten I purchased an adult toy.*Hangs head in shame* Don't judge me y'all.  I shoved it in the back of my top dresser drawer along with a hodge poge of other stuff. A rock someone gave me. A lock of hair from my son's first hair cut. A list of books I want to read and the book Twas the Night Before Christmas. It sat their for a year collecting dust and forgotten. Christmas time rolled around and I said to my oldest son "Go in my dresser and get the book so we can read the night before Christmas". A few days later I was driving the kids home from school. One of the boys said "He took your lip stick to school today" What was he talking about? I don't even have any lip stick. "What are you saying" Then the realization came over me. Oh No. No. No. No. "BOY!" I said, my voice dripping with horror "WHAT DID YOU DO?" He looked confused. "What mom? I just took your lip stick to school. My fiends and I played with it. We like the way it vibrates and shakes. I am sorry I know its not mine." With that he pulled it out of his back pack and handed it to me. "Did any of your teachers see you" I asked. "No way. We hid under the slide. We aren't allowed to bring toys to school." Darn right boy. Oh y'all. I guess I have some good black mail stories for the future but I am sure if these teachers ever compare notes they will wonder what the heck is going on at my house. Lord help me.

Day 2423: Still Kicking Y'all

Oh y'all. I have been gone a long time. Four years and twenty six days to be exact. Y'all missed me. Say you did. Y'all I am not fat anymore. I went and got skinny. I had some help. I was gonna make a blog about that but I got a little lazy and never got around to it. So longish story short I had gastric surgery and lost 106 pounds. Now I can sit in chairs with arms, I can wrap a towel around me after a shower. I am free from disease. I can run and play with my kids. I can ride in an airplane and not sweat about if the seat belt will fit. It has been two years now y'all and so many things have changed for the good. Some times my boys observe. You used to be fat and now you are not. I always ask them am I a better mom now that I am skinny? They tell me no. I am exactly the same. Its true. I am still just as me as I have always been. But if you think I am not still a hot mess. Well, I am. We all are and its ok. So what has kept me away all this long while? Well for one thing this whirl wind life I am living. You know. Four sons and a bonus kid have been keeping me on my toes. But more then that its my promise to you. I promised on day one that I would speak the truth and shame the devil. I made a commitment to honesty. The past few years I have been distracted. If you know me you know by what. I let myself fall in a hole. And keep making the same mistake time after time. I dose not really matter what it is because we all have our thing. An addiction, a habit, an unhealthy relationship, a way of thinking or acting. Something we just think we will never be free of. And some of us just end up in a never ending loop that keeps spinning us around. Look at here. You can get out. There are people that can help. There is a God who cares. And you can finally decide that its enough and you want something else. So that is where I am right now y'all. I am out of the hole. I see the light of day and the beauty that this life brings. I feel happy again. And y'all I am ready. I am ready to do the things that make me strong. I am ready to use the gifts that I have been given. I love to write and I love to talk and I love to share my winding journey. I have a powerful message of hope and healing and I am ready to share it. Stay tuned y'all. I am just getting started.

Day 937 : Just Keep Swimming

Here I am y'all. I know y'all been wondering where I am. I am here. First let me answer the burning questions. Yes I am still fat. Okay I am a little less fat. I have been working really hard to eat healthy food and plan my meals. Sometimes I do such a good job at it I think I should take my show on the road and shout it to the world. Hey world! I can cook healthy good tasting food and I am losing weight every week! Yipee y'all! Then other times like today I drag my tired butt to the fridge and just eat. I eat stuff that is not so good and I don't feel like shouting to the world any more. I have lost about 30 pounds in all and it feels really good that my pants are too big and my face is a little thinner. The difference now is when I mess up I seem to be able to recover faster and I have hope that I won't always be this way, that I am a work in progress, that if I keep at it I can make it a life style and not a passing trend. So y'all I am just going to keep trying. I fall down seven times, I get up eight times. Or something like that that I read on someones face book page. I know the other question that y'all are wanting to know. You do too. You want to know how the Wart is. Well first off I have decided not to call him a wart any more. Forgiveness has taken root in me y'all. Not lip service forgiveness y'all. Real deep down the past is gone and I don't hold it against you any more forgiveness. So I have decided not to name my cat after him and not to call him names and to extend kindness to him when ever possible. And y'all it has set me free from a prison of hate. It is a good feeling. And then something happened. His relationship ended with his girl friend. All of the sudden he is in a vulnerable place. He is saying he is sorry for things that happened in our divorce. He is emotional and lost. When I was all bound up in hate I would have been doing a happy dance and been so happy that karma finally bit him in the back side. But now I don't feel gleeful at all. I feel sad for him. Don't mistake me. We will never be together again. I have not taken leave of my senses. But y'all that feeling of "ha, ha, ha you get what you deserve and you can go to hell with gasoline underwear" is just gone. And I am glad ya'll. It frees me up to do other stuff with my life. Y'all if you have unforgiveness in your heart for someone it is time to let it go. Just drop it and leave it where it lands. You will feel so much better. I promise.